I don’t know what to do with myself (17M).

This is kind of a long story but I live in X state and she lives in Y, I’m a virgin and have never been in a relationship.

So there’s this job fair at this university I live near in X, it’s a co-op program, and the idea is you can go in and interview with a bunch of companies and hopefully one will take you on as an intern and you can gain work experience that corresponds with your major at the university.

I meet this girl the day before and I really like her, she’s quiet, sweet and super smart. We hang out and partner up for all the training they put us through for the interviews, how to shake their hand, eye contact, tone of voice, how to sell yourself, resumes etc.

By the end of the day I get her number and we start talking, she’s staying in a neighboring city at a hotel. She asks me to come to the hotel after the job fair and I can kind of guess what she wants. I have zero experience or confidence so I say we should go to a restaurant with all the other incoming freshmen instead, but she insists that I come to the hotel alone. I agree and eventually she mentions that she has a boyfriend back home at Y, she glosses over it like it doesn’t even matter.

At this point I try to force myself to just ignore it and go anyways. I have zero self-esteem, have always seen myself as ugly and again have no confidence so I figured this was gonna be one of my only chances to have something close to a relationship.

I get there, she opens the door wearing a towel, things happen and we are on the bed, she goes for my pants and I have a panic attack like the giga-virgin I am and throw her off because she went way too fast and I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t describe what I felt, it was guilt to a level I’d never experienced before, my stomach dropped and I felt physically sick. I rush out and go to a McDonald’s nearby and call my friend for a ride back home.

It’s the next day, the guilt won’t go away, I feel horrible all the time for even thinking of doing that to someone else. I feel like I did the right thing in the end but also feel like I missed out on an opportunity I’ll never get again. I think the worst part is when I empathize with her boyfriend, if she were mine I never would have guessed she’d do anything like this, she was always so polite and kind and innocent. I feel manipulated because she didn’t bother to tell me she had a boyfriend until I was already invested and yet I feel responsible at the same time. I just want to know how to make it stop, how to stop thinking about it.

TLDR: I was given an opportunity to get with someone in a relationship and in the end chose not to. I feel guilty and don’t know what to do.