I’m (21M) and I’ve being with the same girl (22F) for about 5 years (almost a quarter of my life), and its being some time since I started thinking if this is really what I want for my future, this is a very important discussion for me so I decided to explain this post from the very beginning of our relationship so all of you will be able to understand the context. Before I start, I’d like to ask for patience since English is not my first language and there might be a feel (or many) spelling mistakes.
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We have been together since 2018, we are both from the same city, and went to the same school, I was just a young boy (16) when I laid eyes on her, and we have been together for a very long time since then. We did not had the best of the starts because when we were still getting to know each other she cheated on me, ( we were about 1 month together), and even though it’s been a long time I still remembers how that situation hurt me deep inside, the day it happened she had invited me for one of her friends birthday, it was the city’s mayor son, on a big beautiful house, I have never been shy guy so I was not too uncomfortable with the different environment and people, party was going pretty good, not much happening, we were all drinking and having fun by the pool until she up came to me and said she had to help a friend of her inside ( who was having a hard time dealing with her own boyfriend) the house and went in, in the main time I started having a conversation with the only friend I had inside the party, I spent most of the time talking to him, until after a about 1 hours I realized she was taking too long to come back, so decided do go inside the house looking for her, the house had 2 floors and the upper floor was where the bedrooms stayed, I searched for her all around the house except for the upper floor ( which I thought would be to invasive since that’s not my house and I’m not even friends with the house owner), since I could not find her I got back to my friend and kept trying not to think too much about it until I realized one of the guys who was previously staring at her had also vanished out of nowhere, I started having a even worse feeling about it all. after a 2 hours she came back with a weird expression, a guilty one to be precise, she tried to hide it from me but after some minutes the guilty was too big and she told me that she lied to me and went upstairs with the guy and her friend actually was the one who was behind it all, even though I was expecting something of the sort when it proved truth it really broke my hard, I don’t want to waste too much time giving the details about the feeling but lets say it was like I felt my chest burning while losing my breath, the feeling of injustice and betrayal was a bit too much, I was in a strange place with strange people, all I could think about was beating the life out of that boy, but I was severely outnumbered and doing so would just make thing even worse.
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I decided to take some time to think it over, but, after a few days the agony I felt was so intense that after less than a week after I decided to try again ( not because I forgave her but mostly because I was feeling anxious and depressed which made force my feelings and go back to her, all in hope that I would stop feeling so frustrated), got to be honest, it felt horrible at the start but after some time I started to overcome (or pretend i did) this feeling, but even so, i had a hard time dealing with her coldness, I was full of love for her, almost too much in love, and she was cold and indifferent towards my efforts, being treated that way after everything that happened kept me up at the night, our first five months of relationship were awful, the only reason I believe I was still trying to make it work was because of my intense blind love, while she was cold and mean sometimes she also would show real regret for what she was doing and wanted to become a better partner, after 5 months tiring relationship I went to Canada to start an exchange stundant period, I would live therefor about 5 months, and after come conversations and me promissing her that I would not give up on us we decided to continue with our relationship at distance. After some time she started to show real signs of improvement, during those 5 months she started to give more value to our relationship and also became a kind and caring girlfriend, but I still had a lots of regrets and told her i was thinking about breaking up, even though she showing signs of becoming a better girlfriend. During my stay at Canada I had both the best time of my life and the worse time of our relationship, that time i was mostly my fault for not being able to forgive her.
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Before coming back home I decided I should at least keep my promise to her and not break up until coming back to my country and talking to her face to face, she managed to convince me thing would get better and they did, after our first year together we had sex for the first time (we were both virgins), and it was a huge step to both of us and our relationship, she was the first real girlfriend I had and I was also her first boyfriend. After some time together we started to grow a really healthy relationship and our love deepened even more as the time went by, but to be honest to you the scars from those first couple months never truly healed and I never felt as comfortable and innocent as I once was, since then, as a boyfriend, i came to be less dedicated to her, I believe this is a result of the trauma I experienced early on the relationship, I just can’t bring myself to be the romantic and perfect guy I always intended to be ( I wonder if I cant get over our past, and if I could do better had it never happened), it bothers her, and even though it hurts me to see her sad with my lack off effort to become a better boyfriend I just can’t, there’s something deep inside me that does not allow me to be 100% in, I just can’t give as much attention and love as she asks for ( don’t get me wrong, I never failed to show her how much I love her and also never treated her like she did to me, but there are some of those small details women love which i cant bring myself to do to her).
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Although I do believe in true forever lasting love, I have never seem it up close, my parents are divorced, grandparents and relatives are no different, true love and fidelity in a relationship seems to be rare in my family (way too rare if you ask me), I hate people who cheat, i always did, cheating makes me quickly lose respect to someone, may it be a friend or a relative. Unfortunately infidelity seems to be way more common than fidelity, every single couple I know cheats or has cheated in the past, and it really disappoints me to see the people I should look after being the bad examples, I’m the older brother of 4, I feel a big responsibility to be the role model of a man I wish I had to my younger brothers, and for that reason I try to teach them everything I believe it’s right, and for having these beliefs it pains me and also makes me feel ashamed to admit that I might be going the same road my relatives have been. As I said, I’ve never cheated on anybody and neither wanted too, but recently I have being feel a weirdly attracted for a girl I know from college, we share most of our classes, I gotta be honest and tell she always got a bit of attention from me since the beggining, but to me she was no different than any pretty girl i could see around, thats was until i realized i am not only feeling physically but emotionally atracted to her ( I dont even have any sort of relationship with her besides college).
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All I know is she’s a nice and gorgeous woman who likes to dance ( I am not even sure if she’s single or not, and i actually don’t wish to know), during this new semester we got into the same internship class, which means Im having more time together with her than i ever did during all this time. I used to pretend she did not exist during classes because i felt so attracted to her I could end up making her feel uncomfortable while staring at her as she knows I have a girlfriend. I don’t have problems dealing with her face to face, I don’t get nervous or anxious ( except for being very friendly and naturally excited to work at her side), but for some reason when I’m far from her my brain just won’t stop thinking about her and how I want to get to know her ( we have had very short conversations about ourselves, and she shows real curiosity about me sometimes, but never showed any interest besides curiosity, I also never allowed us to have very long conversation since it does not seen right since I have strong feelings for her), gotta admit she seems like a really interesting person to know, sometimes is hard to keep it professional, sometimes I lose my focus when i look into her eyes ( she’s got the most beautiful eyes I have ever seem, it is kind of a light brown color which I kind find really beautiful, and i am the kind of guy who always makes deep eye contact during conversations so i does help my situation).
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The point is, it’s not right to have this kind of feeling while being in a relationship with someone else and I have been thinking about my future and relationship a lot even before feeling attracted to this girl. We started so young that I wonder if this is really what I want for me, we started so badly that i have a feeling in will eventually stop work sooner or later, I truly believe I love her and she’s done way more good than bad in my life, but sometimes I think we are just way too different, I always wanted to have a family and the thing I want the most is to be a great example of a father and a husband to my future children, and for that reason I wonder, am feeling attraction for this woman because she’s is somehow special or is my mind just playing tricks on me ( I think its better to either break up without a good reason then keep going in a relationship you feel like will go far but wont end well). I don’t want to end like my father, grandpa and uncle who all got in a relationship with someone they did not truly loved just so they would eventually cheat on their wives and divorce, thus letting another generation of our family tainted by this never ending cycle betrayals.
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I am starting to consider about breaking up with my gf since I am not 100% sure I am and will love her for the rest of my life (feels like this passion of mine is a sign that i might not love her as much as I tell myself I do), I don’t like the feeling of the guilty of telling I love her while also feeling deeply attracted to another girl, and even if I break up with her I don’t think I would go after this other girl, I would break my gf heart even more by doing so, and a new relationship would take to much time a energy to build, even more considering the fact I fell for a girl who has no feelings over me, its not worth the trouble ( and it would also be insanely stupid to go chasing some girl right after breaking up with someone I spent half a decade with), I have already spent a quarter of my life with a girl I am starting to feel unsure about, to go straight on another relationship is most unlikely even if she suddenly realize she likes and demonstrate any sign of love interest. All I want is to be with someone I will forever be able to make happy while also being a great example for my brothers, kids and future generation which are yet to come.
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It also worries me a lot about what would happen to my gf if I leave her, she has already lost her father a couple years ago and i feel like loosing me would be a great loss in her life considering she seems to be emotionally dependent on me, i tried to make her feek less dependence towards me before since I acknowledge it does more harm than good, but im afraid she still needs me. And for this reason I would like to ask your opinion on what you guys think is going on in my mind and what you would in my place, I have already lost a few good night of sleep thanks to this saddening situation I put myself into. Thanks for your time, have a great day !!
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TL;DR; I am (21M) starting to doubt my current relationship (22F) after I started feeling attracted by another woman, i have been feeling unsure about our future for a long time and i believe my recent feeling for another woman are a sign that we should no be together anymore, what do you think?
12 comments
I am all ears, i really want to hear other people opinions but im not comfortable to talk about it with my friends, this is the first time I have ever expressed these feelings which I have been holding on for a really long time.
I’ll be honest, I didn’t even read the story. The information in the title is all a reasonable person needs to come to a conclusion.
You need to breakup with your partner. If you’re developing feelings like that for someone else, regardless of how afraid you are to hurt their feelings, you need to leave so they can find someone who thinks they’re enough.
Good for you for realizing that you need to do the honorable thing and break up with your girlfriend if you have feelings for someone else. You will be setting a good example in your family, being fair to your girlfriend and showing that you have integrity.
When you really fall in love you will not be worrying about the future because you will want to be with her always. There won’t be doubt in your mind.
You both are so young, and have been together a long time.. For most people, it’s better to have more than one steady girlfriend/boyfriend, before getting married for life.. Yes, I can see it’s hard to get over those first few months of your relationship as well..Most people are not ready for lifetime commitment as young as you are. This is more about you having some other experiences, rather than the attraction you have for someone new.. Not surprising,, you are only 21! So yes, break up with her, move on..
You should’ve ended things with your gf in the first month. I find it hard to believe that it’s been anything actually healthy with her. You’re in a trauma bonded codependent relationship. End it and actually do things you WANT to do.
#1. You said yourself you can not give your 100% effort into the relationship, well guess what she will find someone who will!
#2. If you’re interested in someone else it’s only fair to make a decision about and QUICK! It’s natural to find someone else attractive but not thinking about them constantly when you’re in a relationship. In the perfect world everyone deserves to be broken up with before being possibly cheated on but that never happens.
#3. To me it sounds like you almost want to break up with her & true enough marriage and long-term relationships are very difficult, no one is perfect everyone has flaws. Overall I would say from my experience as a 34 (m) if you guys are having any type of toxicity in the relationship besides the occasional disagreement or fuss then by all means it would be a good idea to break up. I also believe from statement #1 that if you can’t put forth all your effort then it want get any better in fact things will only get worse!
#4 It sounds like you have already made up your mind as you really like this other girl, that being said if you’re truly wanting to be an honest person you need to let her know you have feelings for someone else! Good luck
it seems you have not fully healed from what happened in the beginning and later down the line it will affect your relationship. Sometimes when a relationship is comfortable doesn’t mean it will necessarily serve you the best. you should break up with your partner before your feelings get too strong for the other woman
Your relationship has never been on an equal footing. You have lost trust and that is hard to recapture. It’s time to move on. The neurological experts say that the brain isn’t fully developed until age 25, so hanging onto a relationship that seems one-sided for the most part doesn’t appear to be a good foundation. Start with someone new and clearly set out your expectations for the relationship and your future together.
Yes, it’s not fair to keep anyone hanging on if you have feelings for someone else. Dangling her along and lying will hurt her more In the long run and she’ll appreciate your love integrity and honesty
Just be honest with yourself and with her. Show respect and be kind and loving because if she is a good person like you are maybe she’s feeling it too and you guys just need to talk together. It’s probably something she’s waiting for don’t be afraid.
You cannot 100% commit to your gf because deep down you havent forgiven her, only pretended to and went with the flow, but I think you know what need to be done for you and for her, break up and then persue someone else.
Honestly considering she cheated and never gave you the same level of commitment as you did for her I’d leave. It’s not even about going to be with the new girl it’s just about being healthy in the long term.