I saw a post talking about other people not asking questions and comments saying that people are self-absorbed and I got a question in return

8 comments

1. patiently waiting for responses because same 😭

2. Genuine question: if you don’t care about the people you want to hang out with, why do they want to hang out with you? What is it you’re doing to draw their initial interest in you as a friend if you have no interest in them as a person?

3. I need some more information. Do you lack general interest in others? Or do you just reject the people that want something from you (like art advice as you described in comment)?
   Are you suffering from depression perhaps?

4. Me personally I’m in both boats. I find myself somewhat interesting, I mostly find others interesting, but nobody is interested in me, so I can’t help the situation by being interested in someone else that doesn’t exist in the first place.

5. What jumps out at me here is “currently the only thing I can think about is my shitty life.” If your life is shitty, it makes sense that you don’t have the bandwidth to be interested in others. Sometimes, to be able to do something new, we have to first remove or reduce the obstacle to that thing; sometimes you can’t take a shortcut. So what I would recommend is looking into that first, for example literally making a list of what makes your life shitty, and then try to think of one tiny action you could take to help each item on the list, even if it’s just a 1% improvement.

   Another piece of advice I’d offer here is: fake it till you make it. Think of questions to ask people and ask them, even if you don’t actually care about the answer. For example “how’d you get interested in art?” “Who are your favorite artists?” “Would you want to do art for a living, or would that ruin it for you—do you want it to be something you do purely for fun?” (The thing here is you have to then also listen to their answer fully, looking at them as much as possible, expressing interest with nods or other general indications that you’re paying attention to them.)

   One other idea: get more curious about yourself. When you have a thought, question it. Where did that thought come from? Do I actually think that thought is reality, or is it just something I thought? When you notice an emotion, ask, What does this feel like in my body? Does it feel bad? Does that bad feeling make me then take actions to make the feeling go away? What actions do I take? Do they help?

   You could take 5 minutes each evening or morning to just sit there and observe your thoughts. This means growing a new capacity in your mind where you’re not just stuck IN your thought; you’re actually thinking about your thought. No judgment, just observing, “Oh, there that is. Ok.” Just noticing. It might seem unrelated, but this is actually a proven way to develop greater curiosity. (Source: almost any book about Buddhist meditation or mindfulness.)

   I hope something here helps. Remember to be very patient with yourself, and keep going. This stuff takes time. I’ve been in therapy for 13 years and have experienced radical internal change. It’s work and boy is it worth it.

6. Fake it til you make it. Ask questions instead of telling what ‘you would do’ or sharing a related situation. Otherwise, don’t wrest conversation to yourself and make a comment or observation about what they said.

   Good questions could include (obviously personalize a bit so it’s not clinical sounding)

   – what do you think will happen now?

   -what was their goal in doing this?

   – how do you feel about all this?

   -how are you holding up?

   -what happened next?!

   Comment/observation could be:
   – that’s new to me!
   – I appreciate the ______ you are showing in this situation, it seems like that would be difficult.
   – thank you for sharing this with me.
   – (if you mean it) I’m here for you, and if there is a tangible way I can help, I’d like to.

7. Try it when you’re by yourself. Just try thinking about a person that you know and allowing yourself to get genuinely curious about what they’re doing right that second and what they might be thinking about and feeling. A person is an entire world. There’s so much there. Just dip a toe in to start with. What is a project that person is working on? Why might they be doing that? If you learn to do this when you’re by yourself, you can do it more easily in their presence. If you try and you still can’t, try it with fictional characters in movies and shows. Watch a show with some good character development (drama) and allow yourself to really get interested in the characters and why they’re doing what they’re doing and empathize with them. Then apply the same thing to real-life people. Real-life people may seem more boring, but remember real-life people actually exist outside someone else’s head, so there’s that.

8. My sister doesn’t have a natural skill or interest in asking questions. She despises “small talk” because she thinks it’s fake and pointless, but will do it to fit in socially.
   She’s also struggled with work and friends because of this. Over the years, she’s worked on asking questions, and listening to others, and it’s been beneficial to her social life and work life. She has few close friends scattered across the world that she actually connects with and rarely sees, but plenty of acquaintances in her town to build a daily social life. She’s much more confident and happy in her life, now that she has these social skills under her belt.

   Coming up with a question bank may be useful: I gave my sister a list of questions I’d like her to ask me: “how has your life been? How is work? What did you eat for dinner? What are you watching lately?” She always rolls her eyes, but when she asks me these questions, it’s very meaningful to me and keeps relationship feeling balanced.

   But I and her close friends understand that she’s not a question type, and she’d rather relate by sending me something relevant to her interests like an article or tv show that she’s interested in. Or, I’ll send her things that are relevant to her interests. That’s ok, in the long run, to have your own ways of caring, though you’ll probably struggle with most friendships. You’ll find that some people will just like to be around you, for you! Appreciate them.

   From my perspective, pretending to be positive and caring goes a long way for others, even if you don’t actually care. It seems fake, but it attracts positivity and helps unfocus from the negative things in your life. It feels counterintuitive, but it’s a muscle you have to exercise. The more you focus on others, the easier it gets. It’s not just beneficial for others, but also you and your social life. If it doesn’t come naturally to you, that’s ok. Are there any other types of interaction that you enjoy or use to show care (talking about a specific topic, sharing media/memes)? Just sending someone a picture or a link says, “I thought of you.” That is also legitimate way of showing care! Once you find a common interest, it can be easier to ease into questions