Hi everyone,
My father recently passed away, and he did literally EVERYTHING for the household(finances, utilities, work around the house etc). Because he has been sick I moved back a few months ago, so I took over most of those tasks. My fiance lives nearby but we do not live together yet. We have been floating around several ideas, and most likely she will move in with us soon.
Parent’s house is pretty large, so we will likely move pretty soon. I’m struggling to decide on what the ideal living situation is after we move out. I want to have space and time with my fiance as we begin our journey together and start a family, but I also want to take care of my mom. I do not think she is capable of fully living on her own at this time, I question whether this is due to decades of dad doing everything or whether there may be early cognitive issues. Mom recently retired as well, and she will have to find a way to spend her time given the large void in our lives.
Things I have considered:
1) Mom renting an apartment and my fiance and I living very closeby so i can help with any issues that come up.
2) Us living in a townhome situation where my mom gets one floor and we live on the others.
3) Us buying a home and all living in it together.
Finances are not an issue here, mom has enough money and with the equity in her current house there is more than enough available. I just don’t know what the right thing to do is for her and for my relationship. I know i need to start giving my mom some responsibility when it comes to running a household, as me doing everything doesn’t help her in the long run. However, i see how anxious she has become in recent months due to dad’s health and now passing, and i don’t want to add to that burden for her. My fiance has been amazing throughout this whole process, completely supportive of my mom and I, but she tends to be someone who gets taken advantage of. I want to support her as well and not take advantage of her kindness.
TL;DR: dad passed away, I don’t think mom will be able to fully live alone but i also want to have space/time for me and my fiance’s relationship
4 comments
Sorry if I missed this, but why aren’t you just working this out with your fiancée instead of asking us?
I would look into a home with a seperate mil suite
I think it’s important to have an open and honest conversation with your mom about her needs and expectations, as well as your own. Then, consider all the options you’ve listed and see which one aligns best with those needs and expectations. It may be helpful to involve a professional counselor or mediator to help facilitate the discussion.
65 is not that old. What does your mom want to do? ask her what she wants. If it were me (66F) I would want my own place, hands down.