So for context, my husband (36) and I (40f) have been married for 6 years, been together a total of 7. When we first dated, I was finishing up my last 2 years of college. I was becoming a secondary teacher. Because of certain circumstances, I was forced out by my ex-roommate and my husband offered me to move in with him and his two roommates, which they liked having me around anyway and we never had any problems. In our relationship, my husband was the one who made the money to pay the bills, etc. He supported me emotionally, mentally, and financially. And I wholeheartedly love him for that.
Eventually, I graduated and officially started my teaching career. He was a blue collar worker at the time and tried various jobs. I supported him mentally and emotionally because, to me, if I found my calling, then he should too! I didn’t mind earning the most money for the time being as long as we’re ok. We weren’t EXTREMELY comfortable, but we were happy and good.
One of his dreams is to be a professional gamer. In the last 3 years, we went to tournaments, built our own local FGC, and then some. We have Friday Fight nights where he has his friends come over to play matches. He recently got signed on to a small pro group (which is a win for us). He does live streaming on Tuesdays. He was really trying to put himself out there, and I’m ok with it.
He became a substitute teacher 2 years ago, and even got a job working 3pm-9pm in the produce department at our local grocery chain recently (the pay is $14.50/hr and that’s pretty high by our local standards). Him being exposed to the school system, he was recruited to be a volunteer coach for the up and coming teen esports team at the high school I teach at. I encourage him to do it since he has a lot of experience in esports.
Now, to the main point. We had always shared chores, and never really complained. However, this year is different. I ended up getting a second job because teachers really don’t get paid much.
To explain, my end year stub shows that I made ~$52,000 for the year. BUT THAT’S GROSS PAY. What I actually brought home for NET PAY was ~$22,000. That is to pay for bills. I made the same amount of NET when I was still in college and was working part-time at $11.50/hr at 20 hours a week.
Anyway, I work 40+ hours for school. And I work about 22+ hours at my second job.
So, baseline, I work about ~62 hours a week. It got to the point where I missed out on chores and laundry and everything else.
My husband’s substitute job is a “make your own hours” type of concept. He actually gets to pick and choose what days, the school location, and grade level. His consistent job is with the produce department. He works 30 set hours a week. For the last 3 weeks or so, he didn’t really pick up any sub jobs.
Last night, he was complaining about chores and how he’s always the one who does them. I admit, there were times that I said I would help out, but didn’t follow through because I was tired and sleepy or tired and forgetful. We both got frustrated with each other and had a small argument about chores.
Honestly, what is the official fair home role when I make the most money and work the most hours? Do we still do 50/50? Or should he be pulling more weight around the home? I really need some perspectives and clarification from men.
27 comments
There is no official standard for this, sorry to burst your bubble. You and your husband need to have a frank discussion about this and come to a compromise that **works for both of you.** The only people who can decide what feels fair to you two is **you two.**
The number of hours worked and the number of hours free-time are more important than the money in this situation. If I’m working 30 hours a week and my wife is working 50 hours a week, you bet I’ll be doing more housework. Particularly if there are full days when she’s working and I’m not.
There is no Official Fair Role. We’re humans not math textbooks.
Talk it out with him and come to an agreement that makes you both happy.
First thing I’ll say is, everyone’s entitled to their feelings and and should be allowed to express them. That being said his complaining is justified, however he should understand that whoever is home and able to do the chores is the one to do them. If you are coming home everyday beat tired and you don’t get to do anything you want to do than you shouldn’t be penalized for not doing chores. Seems like he’s living half his dream life while you’re sacrificing time and energy only to come home to chores that “could” have Been done. I use quotes because there’s almost no way you have time for dinner and chores and 8 hours of sleep with that schedule.
Money aside, chores at home should be done by who is at home
Or even better, do them together
I’m sorry… what the fuck is being deducted from your check that your net is less than half of your gross? Where is this taking place?!
In terms of your actual question, the person making less money and working less hours should be doing the bulk of the chores.
In theory what matters is finding a balance that works in your relationship but if you want an actual opinion rather than the cop out answer, there it is
Who’s at home more? Cause hypothetically, if your husband works 20hrs a week but brings home 100k while you work 60hrs bringing home 50k. Then reasonably, the husband should do more of the chores because he’s at home most of time.
Lady you just kicked my blood pressure up a few points. There is nothing more conniving than a woman that has wormed a way into a mans life and then pulls the “Because I (fill in the blank) he needs to carry more of the work load.” Your pay check doesn’t give you the right to just add to his work load willy-nilly. He is trying to find his own work life balance and you just became an existential threat to that.
> Honestly, what is the official fair home role when I make the most money and work the most hours? Do we still do 50/50? Or should he be pulling more weight around the home? I really need some perspectives and clarification from men.
[Talk, talk, talk.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFH5JgyZK1I)
I (36m) make more money than my wife (37f) but her work is more strenuous as a high school teacher than my engineering work-from-home job. I tend to do all of the cooking, shopping, the morning routine with our two kids, including dropping them off at their schools, and all the handy work around the house. She does laundry, afternoon kids pickups, and a lot of the kids scheduling. We split dishes, and kids activities although the flexibility in my schedule allows me to take them to doctors appointments, haircuts, and do early pickups.
Even though I make more money, I tend to do more because of my work flexibility. I would expect your husband has more time in the day to do more around the house but it does help for both partners to do chores that are visible to the other to help remind them of what you each do.
There isn’t any set rule.
Its simply time management and both parties being understanding adults.
My wife is a teacher. She has extracurricular church group activities and she also tutors college students. Those take up 4 afternoons a week. That is outside of the fact that teachers have to take work home every single day.
I run my own trucking and landscaping service. Set my own hours. Take jobs or refuse them at my leisure. Some weeks I make more than her hourly, some weeks I don’t.
All that being said, she never does chores. Why? Because;
1. I personally like cleaning
2. She really doesn’t have the time to most days.
3. IM THE ONE WITH THE FREE TIME.
I guess my answer here is that the person with more free time should pick up more chores. It’s really not a money thing.
I agree with the other commenter that said I think it comes down to whoever has more free time and less about who’s actually making more money!
I make more money than my husband but he works waayy harder. I have 3 days off a week, he has 2 sometimes only has 1.
I pay a house cleaner once a month and I take care of all the cleaning in between, laundry, appointments, grocery shopping exc. We both split cooking dinner 50/50 and he’s great about pitching in when he know I’m tired. However, I think me having more free time there’s no reason I shouldn’t do more
There are no official rules for house chores and no one should expect to do nothing because they make more money. Sit with him and discuss a realistic list of chores per day.
I make more than my wife, but I always try to make things equal in terms of TIME rather than money. Once you get $$ involved, it’s downhill (imo).
My father would always take control over everything since he was the breadwinner, and I don’t want that relationship for my family. Once you start looking at income, one side will always end up being the “controlling partner.” Don’t do it.
Idk is she spending that money on me or getting her nails done with that money?
Ive always been the bread winner and had to support pretty much every women Ive been with about 80/20 so if i was in a realtionship and she didnt need any of my income I would just pay a maid and be done with the argument.
Why should it be any different than if the man is the breadwinner? A pretty equal division of work.
This is why every stay at home dad I ever knew ended up with their wife walking out on them one day.
Cook, basic cleaning (laundry, dishes, etc) and if there are kids handling their logistics
Same as if roles were reversed
Just from my take on what you posted, it almost comes across as tho you resent the fact that while you’re working so many hours every week, he’s more or less skating by with what he does for work. That would honestly frustrate me too, someone who was working full time, now all of a sudden working part time, trying to be an online gamer type influencer, and teaching/coaching esports when he feels like it at the school you also work at. If he was really serious about making that a career, he would be putting in the hours to really do so…make content videos, have twitch streaming nights, etc.
I had issues with my ex, who also wanted to work from home trying to do online sales etc. I was gone from 5am-sometimes 4pm, depending on the work load and traffic coming home. I did thre cooking, dishes, cleaned the bathroom, and basically just said “just vacuum twice a week and dust, and do laundry”…living in an apartment, I did the trash, since you had to walk it almost to the street to get to the dumpster. After a few months she seriously started slacking on it, saying she didn’t understand why I was getting frustrated, etc, but then she couldn’t carry the laundry to the laundry room, because after 3 weeks, it was to heavy for her to lift. lol A lot of arguments happened, because things weren’t being done that should’ve been without complaining.
I didn’t see anything regarding your 2nd job, but if you do have some time where you’re home, I would say do something to help around the place, just as if you were living alone…how long would you let things slide before you finally did some cleaning? Also have a real heart to heart with your husband about the hours you work now, and that expecting a lot from you, after working double the hours he does each week, isn’t a fair expectation, and maybe come up with a new breakdown of household duties.
Wives usually leave if they make more than thier husbands. Atleast thats what experience and talking with other ex husbands has told me.
Basically it’s something you two need to decide on.
I raised 4 kids as a solo dad ( widowed) while earning 2 master degrees. Needless to say there were days I was exhausted. But house choirs still need to be done or they got out of hand.
I scheduled everything and each night we had “clean up” hour where the house, kitchen, bathrooms and clean clothes were tidied up and put up.
Personally, stop procrastinating. If you make a promise to help, then help. It takes alot less time for 2 to complete cleaning than leaving it to 1 who quickly gets burned out.
Home responsibilities do not stop because you had a busy day and things can get out of hand quickly making it necessary for extended cleaning which can burn someone out faster.
If it helps, create a schedule, get off your butts and get those done.
If I’m doing nothing, I’m handling absolutely everything in the house. If I am working, I just want the dishes cleaned. I’ll handle everything else.
You’re older than him. He picked you at your decline. You earn more than him. He tolerates and accepts everything..and lives in virtual reality. Doesn’t have his shit together..you know, and disrespect that. And you’re thinking about..
At this point its so tragic and insulting to talk about ROLES..
I’m pretty harsh on this shit because wanting to be a “pro gamer” is frankly pathetic to me. He needs to step the fuck up and do more around the house. You’re subsidizing him trying to monetize a hobby which is not the same as him supporting you while you try to get your degree and a job.
50/50 just doesn’t work imo. One of you is working more that the other one and in such situation you clearly cannot expect 50/50 split between the chores. If i was in a situation where i would be working less hours then my other half, i would try to pick up more chores and maybe have some warm food waiting for her when she gets home. After working such hours, i wouldn’t expect to split chores to 50/50. You just can’t. When are you supposed to relax for a bit?
In the relationship, everyone should give it their all. Do you have more free time? Pick up some extra chores to take some load of your partner.
When he makes more than you what extra duties will he be entitled to demand from you?
the currency of the household is time, not money. divide it equally. so, he should be picking up more work or chores. but not because you make more, onky because you invest more of your life’s limited time then he does currently.