Hi.
I’m 24M. I was always the “weird” one, with different, unusual perspectives. For me my family isn’t something special. I mean more special than friends, even though it means they are very special for me, because friends are special for me.
But not all members of my family. Father and brother are very special people in my life with brother being my best friend. Older sister quite good contacts, but not even half as good as with brother.
And there’s the close family on my mother side, gramma, aunt and uncle, cousins. I’ve used to have some contact with them when I was younger, because the rest of my family had that contact too, so if they were going to meet them, I went with them.
But now I’ve lost that contact with no particular reason. I mean, we did nothing wrong to each other, but I don’t feel the need to keep the contact with them. They are for me more like a acquaintances. They aren’t bad, they are ok. But you don’t keep contact with people who are just ok, right?
Here’s the question: should I keep the contact with them only because they are my family? Am I a selfish asshole that I cut off the contact? Because it’s me who cut off the contacts.
5 comments
You should “cut contact” with anyone who drags you down or make your life problematic.
Most cases of violence and abuse come from family members, not strangers.
Took me way too long to realize, but even your parents can hold you down or prevent you from trying to improve your life for years on end.
It’s normal to not have the time, energy, nor inspiration to keep up with people. This goes for friends and family. It sounds like you know who you vibe in your family, and who you genuinely care to keep in contact with. I don’t think that you should feel bad for losing touch with the others because I don’t believe that we should be loyal to family members just because they are family.
Just because they are blood relations does not in any way make toxic and/or disrespectful behaviors okay. Sometimes you have to do what is best for you in order to live a happy, successful, and healthy life!
Ive had some ex-communications with family over things like, ex-communicating a pretty nice uncle over meth addiction, brother ex-communicated themselves for 15 years embarassed over their very bad psychotic mental breakdown outburst, ive ex-communicated family for pointing guns at me, ex-communicating a father over child abandonment. Ex-communicating family over being MAGA republican conspiracy theorists. All fine decisions.
If you just dont call your parents or family members thats totally different and very normal. I probably didnt call my parents once for two years before. Or contact my direct siblings I grew up with for 5-6 years at a time, and its fine. People understand that you are doing what is best for your own life and will be there when you inevitably want to see them and talk to them again, because you will someday. Every time.
My point is: Real 10-20 year long ex-communication, which includes refusal of contact from one party, is only done when something dire has happened. What youre describing is just normal self-focused development.
Funny enough I am considering this right now and I have done it in the past.
I dont want to make a suggestion to you though as its a big decision.
But to give you my example, my dad has for a long time wished a hard life on me, but recently after my sisters leaning on him behaved himself with his comments, but on a recent phone call when I told him a potentially bad situation will be ok for me, he couldnt hide his disappointment. We also have very opposite political point of views, and every time I see him he always talks politics, and some of the things he says are not nice, racism etc.
What made me give him another chance some years ago was his age, I considered the thought if he passed away with us last talking on bad terms, but he is getting quite toxic again.
I can tell you what I was advised from a therapist, if a family member is making your life negative, causing anxiety, depression or other similar problems, then cutting them off might be the right thing for your own health.