[ Edit: Just let her know that the break up is final, and that I’d like her completely moved out by next Friday. She’d already threatened to go stay with her sister. So i invited her to make good on that threat. ]
It was alot of things, but funnily enough it was my computer that was the final straw. She would make shitty comments about my friends or hobby. Even though I never shit on any if her interests. When the new consoles came out I built a PC instead, and from day 1 she had something to say about it. Some of my old friends already played PC, and I think she was threatened that I was talking to people for stretches of time for 1 – 4 hours.
She complained that I wasn’t spending enough time with her, I made sure my game time was a small minority of my at home time. She complained that I was doing less chores, so I made sure to our perform her in chores by a wide margin. Keep in mind I also pay for %70 of our costs. She complained about the times being too sporadic so I scheduled my game time days, sometimes weeks in advance. But recently she insulted me and my friends in a pretty snarky not friendly way. Basically saying that we acted like virgins and I was lucky to have her.
She made comments before that half said this, but she never outright said it before. I used to be overweight, and she worked in modeling in her early 20s, so she knows I’m self conscious about her being out of my league. It rubbed me the wrong way so I told her off. I told her that she talks behind her friends back so often that I’m certain she has no true friends. And I told her that she’s displaying insecurity over an object.
She took offense and retreated to her sisters place. When she returned she was looking for an apology. But I told her it wasn’t working and that I’d prefer a break up and that she moved out. She immediately changed her tune and started to apologize. She’s told me about changes, she talked to me about finally going to therapy. She’s been throwing her body at me at any opportunity. She’s offering to take up all of the cooking and cleaning.
Do relationships come back from this ? Have any of you worked out a situation where you came back from your partner disrespecting you unprovoked ?
I feel bad because I believe people can change. We’ve been together for almost 4 years now. It feels like a shame to throw that away. We were talking about marriage and children.
34 comments
She kind of sounds like an abuser and a manipulator….
She tried to belittle you into behaving exactly as she wishes. Pretty shitty thing to do, but if she can show genuine remorse for this, it’s possible to forgive. But if this is going to turn into a temporary change of heart, then that’s not so good.
This is all toxic. There’s nothing worth saving.
Also I’ve always believed that gamers should only date other gamers
Nah she won’t really change, it’s emotional desperation over losing something. It just sounds like y’all aren’t compatible. While not every couple needs to share the same hobbies and interests, it’s concerning that she belittles yours. My partner and I both love pc gaming, it was actually something I was jealous he got to do for a bit since I didn’t have a computer to game, just an old Xbox and a laptop for school. Now we both make time to game together or do our own hobbies. You should be able to appreciate your different interests without shitting on something you don’t enjoy
Damn! Good for you
Its gross to react like that to someone breaking up with you. It shows an unhealthy codependency imo. Doing anything to manipulate you into staying is unacceptable. The only correct response to “i want to break up” is “okay”.
It really kind of sounds like she thought she was better than you, that she also thought she was out of your league. I’m actually pretty proud of you for knowing your worth. Good for you.
> Do relationships come back from this ?
They can and do, but often they come back as a weirdly disfigured facsimile of what a proper relationship should be. Everything will just seem so fake and artificial and you’ll spend all your time on tenterhooks waiting for the facade to drop and the true her – the one you see now – to come back again.
Do you really want a life of walking on eggshells?
She is not going to change. She will stop temporarily until she thinks you are comfortable, then start this shit over and likely go further. Unfortunately, breaking up seems to be your best option from what you describe.
You should take some space for now at the least and re-evaluate with time. Her immediate reversal on previous behavior is a massive red flag and smacks of disingenuousness. A bit of space is really what both parties need.
I’ve been on the other side of this (with other issues), and I like to think that I’ve changed enough that our relationship is still strong.
The key is creating strong boundaries-she crossed a line that was a very solid line, but you need to be very clear that this sort of behavior is not appropriate.
If you want to continue this relationship, she needs therapy where she can approach her insecurities on an individual level, and then you both should approach couples counseling where you can both talk about what boundaries you have, what sort of future you want together.
If she’s constantly bad mouthing her friends, that’s a really hard thing for children to unlearn later on in life; if you’re getting married, you need to talk about your relationship and how you can get past this, and work out future issues without her turning to manipulation and sniping.
I’m not saying it’s not worth it-if she truly is willing to put the work in- and it is work! Then it can work.
I would personally give her another chance, but with the caveat that she start therapy, consider the underlying issues and work on it. Set your boundaries, and stick to them.
Good luck. It sounds like you’re in a difficult place, both of you, and she has a lot of work to do.
it seems like you care about this woman. i support my boyfriend’s love of video gaming. however, if he starts to neglect me or responsibilities, i can calmly talk to him about my feelings. i play video games, too, and am super introverted, so i don’t need much socialization lol. but i can see how it would be frustrating for a woman to compete with a gaming console or PC because a guy can spend hours on them. she shouldn’t have belittled you like that, though. that’s not the nicest person. do you want her raising your kids? you can find someone better. or try to stick this one if you want to work on issues together and find happiness.
>But I told her it wasn’t working and that I’d prefer a break up and that she moved out. She immediately changed her tune and started to apologize. She’s told me about changes, she talked to me about finally going to therapy. She’s been throwing her body at me at any opportunity. She’s offering to take up all of the cooking and cleaning.
So, the only thing she has going for her is being hot – since, by your account, her personality is terrible. And guess what: nobody is hot forever; we all age, get gray hairs, have parts of our body sagging or making weird noises eventually. So, what does she have to offer long term? Not much, really. She did what she could to rope an unaware lad, and tried to condition him to be her servant. However, once her plan of retirement went out the window, she started backpedalling. Do yourself a favour and run far away from her. Find someone who loves you as much as you love them, and puts in as much into the relationship as you do.
This is called hysterical bonding, it’s another way of manipulation and will be like that for about two weeks if not less.
At first I thought you got her age wrong as she behaves like an entitled teenager. Cut your losses and find in time a healthier relationship and not something that’s spiteful and toxic. Good luck.
Nah this is the abusive cycle. Drop her.
So she was perfectly happy to shit on you and your friends for as long as she could get away with it? You could have a girlfriend who thinks shitting on people is *not* okay, whether you can get away with it or not. Like, there are tons of women in this world who don’t treat people like garbage just because they can.
But you don’t have those people for a partner. You’ve got this woman, who shits all over you instead of being grateful for everything you provide for her.
>It feels like a shame to throw that away.
Well, it was only 4 years because you let it be. Because you never stood up to her. The second you did that 4 years didn’t really mean a lot to her when she figured you’d fold. You need to finally get real about what it is you are actually ‘throwing away’ here because it reads a lot like she has always taken advantage of you both financially and emotionally [if nothing else as a punching pillow].
She’s a manipulator. You called her bluff and she immediately went into lovebombing mode. I would advise you take all of this talk with a grain of salt because often it is just part of the process.
Still, if you really feel the need to humour it set a deadline in your mind. Let’s say 6 weeks. Don’t tell her of this deadline and don’t prompt her to go to therapy again. If she hits 6 weeks and no therapy then it was clearly all a play to suck you back in.
Just end it. She didn’t change that fast. She just sees her meal ticket getting away and she’s panicking.
Hon. I modeled for John Robert Powers from age 14-21, and? I’m in my mid 40’s now and you both are about the same age as my son.. That in and of itself should bare no meaning as to how she treats people. Unfortunately she’s the self absorbed type.. Here is where I stopped and made up my mind for you. You said she told you, “You’re lucky to have me,” that is when you should have ended that relationship. Love DOES NOT do that. Respect, DOES NOT DO THAT… I have a PhD in Forensic Psychology and Applied Behavior, my husband has a culinary degree and is an Executive Chef. I freaking BRAG ABOUT HIM!! To all that will listen because I’m proud of him because he’s doing what he loves..
Tell her to go, kick rocks! Using your insecurities as a “just joking” is disgusting.. You deserve better because you should know your WORTH and it’s much more than lowering YOURSELF to accommodate her…
ETA: That is an old playbook of, OF, WAIT, WAIT, HE’S WANTING TO BREAK UP, NO, NO, I’LL DO IT, I’LL DO IT!! Come on! If she cared about this relationship she would have took what you said about things to heart AT THAT TIME, not wait until you’re done.. Please stop with the, but it’s so much time I’ve been and wasting.. So instead you should not get what you want and just take her shit that hurts you because of the amount of time??? This is what you want to bring children into???
The quote when someone shows you who they are, believe them comes to mind.
Sure they can
However I want to say this
She feels threatened by you doing anything that isn’t for her. This indicates a controlling behavior.
You pay for 70% of the bills like a sugar daddy.
Which might explain why she is changing her tune.
Because from what you said this has been ongoing through the relationship with her putting down your stuff and trying to split you from your stuff. She also talks about her friends behind their back. I wonder what she says about you.
Honestly I always encourage therapy but I don’t think she will change as long as she has you providing. So atleast move into separate places and pay only for your bills and let her pay for herself
Sure it’s convenient if breaking up is a mutual decision. But it doesn’t have to be.
She abounds like an incredibly insecure individual.
I’m willing to be that she’s dating you because she knows you’re insecure about your body and it makes her feel better about herself.
Especially the fact that she belittles her friends, it sounds like she’s projecting a lot of the negativity that she’s internalized.
Relationships can come back from anything, but you have to fix your communication first. If you guys can’t get on the same page then don’t waste your time.
Sometimes, there’s no coming back from the disrespect.
That has to be your call. And for how long will she be like this?
I had a gf that had a mentality that she was better than me. She’d remind me whenever it felt like it suited her that she could have anybody else. That I was lucky to be with her.
Sometimes it almost felt like I was more of a pet to have around. It massively affected my self esteem. Not to mention she was always accusing me of not being over my ex (I was. We hardly ever spoke but had ended on friendly terms. Which the current gf simply could not stand) so she demanded that I tell my ex to stay out of my life. I was still looking past all of the bad stuff at this point so I did and I ruined a good friendship. Then she cheated on me.
And when I went to kick her out it was suddenly all about how we can fix this. How we can do better.
Don’t fall for it.
Ask yourself if you really want the relationship to recover from this.
To me, it sounds like she has some serious codependency issues. And on top of that, she seems to be using you for financial gain.
You pay most of the bills and do most of the chores yet she still finds things to complain about. I don’t know why you’d want to stay with someone like that. You should enjoy your hobbies, not walk on eggshells just to get a chance to even engage in them at all.
Your partner has been a shitty person for the entire time you dated. She’s *ONLY* being “nice” now because she sees the gravy train (you pay 70% costs, you do more chores, you compromise) is ending.
**Do yourself the biggest favor and make the “break” PERMANENT!**
All the sex you could want, all the cooking, all the cleaning, her in therapy, blah, blah, blah. How long do you think she can (or will want to) sustain this? Answer: Only as long as it takes to convince you that she’s “changed”. Then she’ll slide back into her old shitty behavior once she thinks she’s got you hooked again.
This woman will NOT be a good partner helping you with 50% of the load through life. She will not have long-term goals in line with yours. She is not the best “gift” you could give your future children as a mother. Dump her and see how much less stress there is in your life IMMEDIATELY!
She is apologizing, but is she admitting what she did? Honestly this feels far from over. This feels like something else is going on and you are only at surface level. I’m not sure this relationship is worth your time and effort. You either need to try to figure out what is really going on, or stick to your guns about breaking up and just be done.
When there’s no respect in a relationship, you can’t come back from that. She doesn’t respect you at all. She’s only apologizing because she pushed too far and you stopped enduring her BS.
Dude no. She was being honest for the first time. She hates your hobbies, she hates that you have friends and that she’s not the center of your attention. That’s not a healthy relationship. If she actually cared about you she’d want you to be doing things that make you happy, not trying to destroy them. She turned around and started kissing your ass because you grew a spine and broke up with her, not because she suddenly realized that she’s being a controlling harpy. Stay broken up and find someone that at the very least can entertain herself, if not someone that shares your interests. The best relationships are with people you genuinely like just enjoy hanging out with. Marry your best friend, don’t settle for “she’s hot”. Hot fades, and you deserve better.
68 year old guy, married 45 faithful years and together 51. Experience often comes with age. So here are my 2 cents.
Yes, people can change some for the better and some for the worse. I have seen it all. For some, it may take facing what they are about to lose to to finally be objective and understand the need for change.
Also, in my experience, many women lack respect for a man who does not project strength. You sound like you were that man.
Suddenly, you projected strength and stood your ground. She responded by seeing you differently now and what all she stood to lose. Your words gave her a strong dose of reality about herself she could no longer afford to dismiss, and she is doing something about it.
Personally, I would not throw the baby out with the bath water. If you like what is happening, see where it goes. Encourage her and express your appreciation for the action she is taking. But also take another strong stance. Tell her blanket apologies are hard to forgive. Ask her specifically for the things she is sorry for and what her specific plans for corrective action are. Tell her to think about it a few days and write it all down if need be and then discuss it with you.
Tell her if she can be objective and do this, that it will help you to forgive and fully support her in becoming a better person and you a committed partner.
In this way, you are taking control of the relationship and helping to steer it in a very positive direction. She needs your strength and support to provide her with the hope that her efforts will benefit your relationship.
Also, I don’t know the dynamics, but perhaps you can soul search to see if there are areas where you may have room for improvement.
It won’t be the same again but why would you want it to?
-Cover 70% bills
-Tolerate disrespect about yourself and friends
-Majority of Chores
-“Schedule” hobbies weeks in advance
-Being at her mercy essentially
Nope.
She’s an ex model probs used to being chased by guys who would never challenge her
Now the used-to-be overweight guy just told her to fuck off which is probably a first to her and she is in haywire because of it
Her change in attitude, throwing sex your way and offering to do all cooking and cleaning is her giving you the power dynamic in the relationship to lead it
But do you want a powerplay relationship like that? That’s up to you but if you do then you must maintain the position of power and steer the relationship
-You control the sex she gets it
-You *tell* her what you’re doing and what’s happening, she doesn’t challenge it
-She *asks* if she can do something and you get the final say
Or you cut her loose and find a partner on equal footing and respect
All the best bud
She will be on her best behavior for a couple of weeks, maybe even a few months. But she will inevitably revert to being her old self. My money is on her doubling down on her shitty behavior; with her reasoning being: ” look at all that I sacrificed and did for you!” OP, the only right call is to kick her out and cut her out of your life. There is no glory to be gained here in the long run, mate.
Hey I don’t want to steer you off topic here, but what are you playing on PC that’s got you so enthralled? I’m looking to scratch my multiplayer itch but I’m coming up short.
PS I am a married dude with kids and the day is 24 fucking hours long — don’t let anyone shame you for taking a few for yourself!