How do you live with someone who makes excuses and everything that happens to them and never bring solutions to table ?
My wife is annoyed that my kids (12/13) listen to me with way more ease. I always took a lead by example approach to 85Percent of things and I don’t waste threats such as taking away ipads etc. . I use it once a year and FOLLOW THROUGH…I always felt constant threats of “if” loses effectiveness over time… while her style was I am the mom do exactly as I say. Every style has pros and cons but I believe a housold doesn’t necessarily needs yelling every hour of the day. She is spiraling and being mean …she is turning into someone that would slap u but bring u flowers and cook dinner for u later (analogy)
She is also annoyed that I have been working on myself with minimum impact family financial or time commitment..I have been working out so I don’t want take out or junk food(she gets annoyed that I am watching what I eat/ I was 70pounds overweight for Christ sakes) I am going back to school through scholarships not loans that can affect us..I don’t spend money on gym just body weight and walking ..my goal was to not use a dime of our family money so she doesn’t say I’m selfish …I rebuilt relationship with my family as well.
She has always been in conflict with her family , people at her job etc…she says no one listens to her…in hindsight she was wanted to be a boss at her job…good thing she didn’t because she operates under TITLES ..do as I say type.
It looks like depression but as I understand it’s mostly the INDIVIDUAL to get themselves out of that .she starts smoking cigarettes as well ..just a no for me .
26 comments
You don’t. Time to cut your losses and move on I think. You don’t need your kids growing up in a household where there’s always toxicity for them. That’ll be normal for them in the future and will be how they approach relationships.
Speaking of which, seeing how your partner interacts with her family is always a good preview of what you’re going to get. Something to keep in mind in the future.
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I have to agree with the above advice.
Sadly, your wife is entrenched in her toxic traits, and is unwilling to seek change. You could suggest couples counseling; her response to the suggestion should reveal whether she has ANY willingness to change left.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, and your children, too. Ya’ll deserve better.
Seems like you might have outgrown her. I think you need to sit down and have a real talk. Tell her she’s affecting the kids, and your mental health and making the house a hostile environment instead of a respite from the hostility and stress of the outside world. Her anger is a mask for fear so see what she’s scared of. Maybe that she’s being left behind, maybe that you’ll all leave her and won’t need her, maybe that she’s not living up to her potential or her life didn’t turn out the way she hoped, maybe that she’s lost your connection, maybe she’s burned out from the kids going through the defiant hormonal phase? (A study concluded that kids are 400% worse for their mother) She needs therapy and you will support her but if she decides not to you will walk away. Your children will subconsciously create the same relationships and home life that you model. Does she want your grandkids growing up in that toxic environment. Make sure you don’t give her an ultimatum until you’re ready to follow through. Your kids will do well with at least one calm parent and a part time safe calm home than none. Tell her you want your life with her to be back on track but you don’t want to wind up in a spot where you hate each other and the acrimony will make the separation harder on your kids. It’s ok if your relationship isn’t forever, not all are. Some are for a season or a reason. Good luck op.
I’m sorry you’re going through that. It can be a very… Soul sucking experience for everyone.
It’s a proven fact that if you get mad at your kids, make threats, and scream, they’re not going to listen unless or until you scream. That coupled with threats/not following through is the worst.
You know this, so I’m just validating – she is creating her own havok and unhealthy relationships.
I hope she chooses to change before she loses all of you. Props to you for wanting to be a better version of yourself!
Your household and family life sound like chaos. Time for therapy. Get yourself into therapy to start to understand why you thought it was halfway normal for your wife to scream at the kids all day for 12 years (and still going). Why you believe it is ok for your wife to call you selfish for wanting a gym membership or to spend time working on your physical health and/or why you walk on eggshells all day, every day. How this chaotic homelife is negatively impacting you and your kids. Learn what you can do to improve your life and the life of your kids.
The frustration is real. It sucks when the wife does not discipline the kids forcing you to be the “bad guy” growing up. I feel for you on the food issue as well. It sucks when you want to fix things and they want to sabotage it with junk food or eating out.
Keep and improve your relationships with your kids. They are about to hit the crazy/mean years. Keep working on yourself. Document everything terrible she does or says.
You’ve grown into different people. You’re someone who’s growing, changing, improving himself throughout his lifetime. She’s stuck being who she always is (comfort; path of least resistance).
The smartest thing to do is to divorce. Get a 2-bedroom apt. so the kids can visit with you 50% of the time so that *you can ensure that at least 50% of the time they’re seeing adulthood modeled correctly.* You can’t hide an unsatisfying marriage from the kids; they see it, they hear it, they feel it. If you don’t change **your** life to better reflect who you are and what you want, how can you expect them to do so? They will take you & your wife as models for “adult” “spouse” “parent”. Make sure that you reflect the values you want your children to aspire to.
She isn’t the kids’ mom and that’s why they don’t listen to her. She needs to realize this. This is also why stepfamilies suck.
> I don’t spend money on gym just body weight and walking ..my goal was to not use a dime of our family money so she doesn’t say I’m selfish
Man get a gym membership. This woman has manipulated you to a point where you cant invest in your own health without worrying about being nagged. I’ve been where you are and one day it hit me like a brick that im neglecting my own self just to avoid unnecessary fighting/drama.
in the long run being healthy will actually benefit your family and your children in many ways. But somehow she got you too anxious to invest a single dime in yourself.
Now put some of your great attention towards your relationship. All I heard was me, me, me I hate my wife. People don’t get where they are in a vaccuum, she obviously feels conflicted, by the examples you use and powerless in her own life.. Yeah your children like you best dad….Take some of that energy and learn to love her again. Unless this is a plan to leave and you just want validation.
She sounds like a great catch /s lol
She’s always in conflict with everyone she encounters? Seems like she’s the problem.
sounds like shit, but what’s your question?
What has she said when you talk to her about this?
Or is this one of those “I know never to talk about it to keep the waters calm” situations?
Definitely something a couples therapist could help with. It sounds like she is experiencing some anxiety and isn’t negotiating the transition from having kids to having teenagers particularly well.
But why should she? Has she ever been taught how to do this? It’s really difficult.
I wonder what she would say about everything? I bet her take would be very different.
The children need consistency and to know they are liked as well as loved. Can you two talk together about how you achieve it together?
Next, what are her needs? And what are her dreams for her life? What is she doing when you go on walks or school? If she is keeping things going to free up all that time for her, how are you supporting her dreams?
How valued does she feel? How much autonomy does she have over her own life? You say she is spiralling and being mean … that’s often a sign that someone feels undervalued and lacks autonomy.
This isn’t just about you or her as individuals. You are a unit and it is that unit that is failing, not either of you as people.
My advice would be to sit down and really, really listen to her. Don’t get defensive, just listen and show her you’ve heard her, whether or not you think she’s right. I think if she feels truly heard and you show her you actually like her, you two can turn this around.
The mentality that you have it together and she doesn’t will wreck your marriage and bring misery. Recognise that it will look very different from her perspective and find out what that perspective is.
Yep, depression is tough. It has to be taken care of via professional help. But do you know what a depressed person needs too? A partner who is supportive. It’s one of the first questions a therapist ask their patients: do you have a supportive partner? Because a supportive partner helps a lot on the path of recovery. You don’t seem to have it in you at all. Even if you hate and despise your wife, you should think about her wellbeing too since, even if you separate, your kids are still going to be exposed to her one way or another. So her wellbeing should matter to you in a way. But all I see here is you writing about yourself. Pointing out what’s so better about you compared to your wife. Even when you mention your kids, it’s all about how better of a parent you are to them and how they listen to you. So again, it’s all about you in comparison with that awful woman you once decided to make your wife and the mother of your children.
I think you should divorce. You obviously see your wife as some kind of sub human compared to yourself. You might even make her a service by doing so in the long run.
I will never understand this. Why are you married to someone you hate?
Don’t stay for the kids. It’s harder on everybody in the long run and *your kids are still learning by example from you, they will think this is how they deserve to be treated in a marriage*. Would you want your kids to be treated like you are by their future partners? If it’s a no you should end the relationship the best way possible. I know that’s a simplification but everyone gets hurt from an unhappy marriage.
Op, sounds like you two grew apart and no longer have compatible as a couple.
You are improving yourself, she isn’t.
When one person moves up and the other doesn’t, it’s heading towards an ending.
Unless she also starts investing bettering herself, you two will head for divorce.
Time to get real and talk to her about this worst case scenario if things don’t change on her end.
She has a personality disorder bruh
While everyone is suggesting divorce and you going 50/50, don’t forget that you’ll be leaving those kids alone with her. Based on what you said, she is one bad day from becoming both physically and mentally abusive or worse. Of course you can go for full custody, but we know how the system is thesedays.
Have you tried therapy and an honest conversation? Mind you, again, the courts are rarely ignoring past behaviours so you suggesting ways to fix the marriage, going to those and actually trying to mend the relationship may be in advantage to you, if you get to court. If you go therapists, be the one to do all the calls for appointments, the paying and don’t be late or agitated. Most courts don’t care much for video evidence, but if she escalates try to record it or better yet, out cameras in your house for “safety reasons” so she doesn’t get suspicious, good luck.
“She has always been in conflict with her family” here you go sir that’s the answer you needed, she doesn’t know what a family is she never experienced one to begin with which she may be the reason or not I honestly wonder how you managed to stay in relationship with someone like her
When someone blames everyone else except themselves then the true problem is them. Just have a serious discussion.
As someone who went through a separation after a decade of being together, listen when I say jumping straight to divorce isn’t the best option in all scenarios. Ask her for couples and individual counseling as well. Tell her you aren’t happy, but you want to try to change that. Worst case, couples counseling doesn’t work, and you split anyway. But at least you can say you really tried. About that whole leading by example? Sets a pretty bad example for your tiny humans if you show them that giving up without really seriously trying is the answer, yeah? When parents split, the kids eventually get around to asking questions. Silently, stewing in problems doesn’t fix them.
My biggest issue with a lot of this is that in one comment, you mentioned post partum. Let me be frank with you. If she has been suffering from post partum depression for what, 12 years or so now? You are just as at fault as she is. Not a single comment mentions any attempt at therapy or counseling. For either of you. Not one of your comments mentions anything she’s been able to do for herself to just feel like her again. You stopped dating, and that was one of your biggest mistakes. You are supposed to be her PARTNER. You have made a lot of “I” statements. I don’t recall seeing any “we” statements.
Your poor wife sounds stressed out and at the end of her tether. You are a bit full of yourself and how much better you are than she at everything. What is clear here is that you are looking at her through the eyes of disdain and not a partner and not in love. She was good enough to have your kids. Parenthood doesn’t come with instruction. Why not give her a break physically and metaphorically, pitch in when you can hear her shouting at the kids. She enjoys it as little as you do. Stop your arrogance and help her out.