I have been with my husband 20 years. We have 2 kids and a 3rd on the way.
Generally we get on very well and enjoy each others company. However I feel like I’m walking on eggshells a lot! Major issue is his building resentment toward me. I don’t know how to deal with it. Over and over again something stressful happens in our life and I get blamed. I’m not innocent at all and have stuff to work on but I am scared for the future and the next time he erupts at me.
Eg. We moved to my hometown years ago. I was under the impression that this was a mutual decision. He says he didn’t realise how much he’d hate it. I’ve now spent years dealing with his anger about that. I was selfish and controlling in my decision apparently. I’ve since told him to pick a place he wants to live and I’ll go anywhere.
We undertook a big home alteration that has taken up so much more time and money than we ever expected. Before we started I put the ball fully in his court and said “the final decision on whether we do this or not is yours, I know if I make any decisions there’s a potential for massive resentment”. So he pushed play. We are finishing it off ourselves now and he rightfully is stressed. Im constantly blamed for this whole project. “You’ve got everything you ever dreamed of and I’m left miserable” is basically what I hear.
The next is a major. After 2 kids he was done and ready to have a vasectomy. I wasn’t emotionally ready to shut off the possibility. I said I’m not ready but go ahead and do it and I’ll deal with it. Well he didn’t do it as he says he didn’t want to create resentment and low and behold we’re pregnant again. I’m very devastated about this as I feel like hell never ever forgive me for putting up any type of resistance to the vasectomy. Have broached the subject of an abortion but he says no.
These are the majors. I’m constantly worried about what I say to him incase he explodes at me. He’s prone to nastiness and has said that all of this stuff has stopped him from being able to care about me. If his anger makes me upset he is triggered and says I’m trying to manipulate him with my tears. I feel very alone.
He recently missed our anniversary and says spending time with me makes him sad and so he’s trying to avoid me. He has 5-10 hours a week to spend on his hobbies though. I don’t even socialise with friends anymore as I’m worried that leaving him with the kids will create stress and anger. How do we move past this?
5 comments
This sounds abusive to me.
He’s blaming you for him being miserable, blowing up at you, getting upset when you cry.
He needs to realize that he still had a part in these decisions and he doesn’t get to put it all on you. It sounds like he’s using them as a way to keep you apologetic while he gets to excuse all his anger by blaming it all on these resentments.
He needs to sit down with a marriage counsellor and work through these issues so they are done and moved on from.
OP, how old are you and your husband.
Get in marriage counselling asap. That is unhealthy for you both. I wouldn’t go so far to say it’s abusive, but it’s at least concerning.
With a third underway your time and commitment to him will decrease even further. He seems not to have many friends he can rely on, otherwise he wouldn’t be that miserable.
And now listen, as I will get nefarious with you. And please note. It hasn’t happened yet, I believe. BUT: these are telltale signs, especially over this long period.
If you need a good scare, read the infidelity subs. He is the rolemodel character. Bulding resentment over all decisions even his own towards you. Bottleing up and closing you out.
The next ingredient is the new, young, exiting new colleague from three offices over. She is so good at listening, when you need to vent about your ungrateful wife again. Oh, and see, she has issues in her relationship, too. Her unconsiderate boyfriend. Why can’t he be more like hubby of ungrateful wife here? He is so in tune with his feelings (no he is not, he is just venting). Welcome to the emotional affair. Depending on the sexual attraction development, welcome to the physical affair. From there on out, DDay, Reconciliation or divorce. Further resentment for sure.
Ok, in my case it wasn’t a colleauge but a patron of my little establishment, and my ex-wife was really abusive but you get the gist. Her ex-husband is actually a good guy and I am the f**kface in this side of the story, period. But my GF hated his guts at that time. And I was there when he was not. The rest is, as they say, history.
A lot of relationships died at the counter of my bar over the years.
Some were already dead a long time others just died there, while tourists were talking to me over their Mai-Tais and Cuba Libres and Sours while their SOs were blissfully dancing in the back and having a good time. Some of them you see years later with other partners, some alone, most you see never again. They died in french and in english, they died in german and spanish. One died in swedish or so I was told the language was.
Your marriage might not be dead yet. But it’s bleeding profusely.
Be aware and prepare. This might not be happening but the signs are on the wall, big time. You only have one decision to make: Marriage counselling before or after DDay.
All the best to you and hopefully I am all wrong. But from my experience, I am not.
He had a choice and say in every one of these decisions. Especially the third pregnancy. You both wanted different things, you conceded as he didn’t want a third, said you’d deal with it, and he didn’t get the vasectomy and then had unprotected sex (unless other forms of protection was used??) Lol. What did he think he would happen?
He’s punishing you for things he could’ve said no to and justifies being cruel to you based on those things he didn’t say no to and resents.
Honestly , once the resentment starts it’s so hard to turn off . He is just looking for things to get mad at . This is his issue , where he needs to decide what to do . Because it’s not fair to you , therapy should be talked about as anything from you will look bad in his eyes . He needs to talk to someone about it . Now if he does , how long will it take ? Cause from I have seen when people toss their marriages aside looking for happiness , by the time they figure it all out , it’s to late for the partner .
Honestly people are stupid , happiness is a decision , not an outcome .
That sounds very difficult but reasonably possible to deal with in therapy.
My wife and I struggle with cycles of anger/resentment as well but it’s not over major issues. I am more of a “let’s talk this through calmly and rationally to find a middle ground” while my wife grew up in a household with screaming and a narcissistic father who treated her mother like trash. My wife has always had challenges in controlling her anger and resentment. Once she gets irritated every thing that happens forms a constant chain of escalating anger and rage which I find difficult to deal with, it usually ends up with me trying to keep the peace and reassure her that it’s ok and we will be fine but eventually leads to me snapping which escalates things even further. It could be something completely minor, for example her sister once painted our daughters nails without my wife’s permission and she blew up at her and didn’t talk to her sister for a year. What complicates matters is that my wife has a very hard time accepting fault or apologizing, she has apologized less than ten times in nearly 20 years of marriage. I believe she lacks the ability to be introspective and measure whether her rage matches the situation. I don’t believe that I have ever heard her admit that she needs to change her behavior or admit fault beyond her initial attempts to work through her anger management with a therapist.
It’s a constant cycle where her anger and resentment leads to cycles of getting the silent treatment for days or weeks, ironically our therapist recommended that I let her cool off before trying to talk through things, which then leads to further escalation because I am avoiding her. It makes me incredibly sad because I have to coach our kids now to give mom her space since this dynamic is now also happening with our children, if she’s angry she doesn’t look or talk to anyone for days and if anything angers her further the clock resets.
It’s tremendously emotionally draining and leads me to cycles of depression nearly every month. The last big argument was her comparing me to my step mother who essentially harassed my father into suicide, I had to leave the house and moved into a hotel for a week to gather my thoughts.
We have been in therapy for 1.5 years and made some progress however the anger and resentment challenges are still present and she refuses to recognize that it is a problem which I think is due to the dynamic of how she grew up.