Hi guys,
I’m gonna write this post as a sincere ‘let off steam’.
We’ve been together for 10 months now. She lives in another city and every 15 days I take a 12 hours bus drive to visit her – I work remotely while she works in a factory there. Since the beginning, she’s been regarding a lot of things I do/say as an attack to her. I’ll give you an example of what just happened:
We had an argument the past 2 days and things settled up. We were chatting normally when she asked how I felt about leaving one of my language classes. I said that I don’t miss the class at all but I do miss studying a foreign language – and said: “*You know what would be cool? If you worked remotely and we could travel somewhere to learn a new language. That’s one of my dreams*”.
All of a sudden, she started roasting me saying I’m not “down-to-earth” and I want her to bend her reality to fit my dreams – and she was SUPER rude to me.
I’m always the one seeking reconciliation because I always feel guilty (I don’t know how to explain that) and its a terrible feeling. Of course, I do have a lot of flaws but I honestly don’t think it’s enough to justify this kind of behavior. I already asked her to be more careful with her words and to stop taking stuff I tell her as an attack and she keeps on doing it.
We have the “I’m not leaving” philosophy and we want this relationship to last a life-time. I do love her a lot. Nonetheless, I’m feeling like a slave of myself as I’m not being capable of imposing respect and setting my limitations through actions. I’m really hurt and I don’t know if I should break up before it gets worse or if I should talk to her about it again and start imposing myself so things will get better.
TLDR: My GF takes stuff I say as an attack to her and ends up making me feel like shit. I’m not being capable of imposing myself and I don’t know what to do.
9 comments
I think you need to have a serious talk with her about how her behavior is affecting you. If things don’t change, it might be time to consider ending the relationship.
Why do you have the “not leaving” philosophy? While yes, both partners should put work into making a relationship last, it’s more important for the relationship to be healthy. If one partner isn’t willing to put in the work to be a good and healthy partner, the relationship is dead regardless.
It sounds like every guy in city got tired of her crap, so she’s taking advantage of a guy 12 hours away who has no self-esteem.
Having a “not leaving” policy with someone who treats you badly and with whom you have obvious incompatibility issues is pretty self-destructive.
Dating is about finding a partner who is the most compatible person to you so you can build a future together. It’s not to pick a the first person who seems a little right and tough it out forever no matter how badly it harms you.
You and this woman are not even close to compatible. Worse, she doesn’t seem to like you that much. But even if she weren’t so mean and cruel, eventually you are going to break up because you just fundamentally are too different and want different things from life.
Stop fighting and just let go. You’ll feel so much better. Eventually you’ll find someone who also wants to travel and learn new languages. But it’s not going to be this woman.
Why are you tolerating emotional abuse?
The only relationship that should last a lifetime, and in which you should say “I’m not leaving” is that with yourself.
> We have the “I’m not leaving” philosophy
Why?
“Not leaving” philosophy can easily become “keep taking abuse” philosophy. Here’s a rule of thumb: only date kind people. People speaking rudely to me is a dealbreaker