I don’t know where to go for this… I (35M) have been dating a woman (28F) I first met in my church’s Bible study group. I will admit that initially I wasn’t attracted to her because she’s a bit overweight, but I started learning about who she is and how her mind and heart work and I honestly started falling in love with her and being attracted to WHO she is rather than what she looks like. We became friends and then really good friends over the course of a year. She is smart, kind, loving, witty (I have never shared a sense of humor so innately with a woman), and in general she is an absolute delight to be around. I have **never** connected with a romantic partner in so many ways as with her. But after we started dating I learned more about her, namely that every single month during her period she becomes an emotional nightmare and goes into this horribly frustrating, “life sucks, I suck, and I hate everybody and everything to the point that I never want kids or animals or any responsibility whatsoever so I might as well just die” mode for about 3 days. After dating for a couple months I decided this was insane and too much for me and broke up with her, but then she took a few months to work on herself and I started noticing changes to her mindset at group. She approached me a few months afterwards and said “Hey, I’ve been working on this and I realized you were right. I just wish you would’ve given me the courtesy of sticking out my growth with me instead of leaving me to do it on my own. Walk through my darkness with me so I don’t have to be alone for it.”
Well, long story short I decided to give her another chance, and we’ve been dating for almost a year now. Problem is that I haven’t seen any progress since. When it’s good, its great (although she’s still overweight and that bugs me a little). But she still goes into full-on misery mode every month. To be honest I start panicking during these times because I have zero clue how to handle them. If I try to empathize, she negates everything I say. If I try to instruct, she rejects anything I tell her and says it’s all hopeless and nothing matters. If I try to give her space she tells me I’m rejecting her and she needs me to stay with her. I asked her how she’d like me to handle it and she gave me some advice, but then if I try to put that advice into practice she tells me that I shouldn’t just be parroting off her advice in my own way of saying it, or negating everything regardless as if her advice she gave wasn’t applicable when it’s actually happening.
How am I supposed to help and/or be with a person who experiences nihilistic depression every month for a few days?
17 comments
I have no idea if she has PMDD or not, but check out r/PMDDpartners for some ideas on navigating things like this
Does she see a therapist? If not, the only thing I think you can/should do is recommend she see one, because this isn’t something neither you nor her can do on your own. She very likely needs professional help
Yes, it’s nice if a partner sticks with someone as they’re working through things, but that’s the thing…they need to actively be working through things. If she’s just treading water and is refusing to take the steps necessary to ACTUALLY improve her situation then I would recommend you move on. You can show her the door and be willing to support her through it but she has to be the one who walks through the door. It’s tough but at some point she has to take responsibility for herself and if she isn’t taking the necessary steps, it’s unfair to expect you to stick with her
Communication is really important, and really challenging in a relationship.
Ask other married couples in your church for their two cents. They will be able to guide you two toward a more effective method.
Basically, you want to be able to signal to her in a non threatening way, that hey, “you’re coming really hard and negative, can you be aware of this? I’m your lover, and I want to help you through this.” It’s even more effective if you can share why YOU are so sensitive to this response personally. Does it hurt you? Are you scared? Does it remind you of something? What about this is specifically hard for you to deal with?
And she needs to recognize, “hey, what about this is bothering my partner? How can I hear him in the moment without being reactive?” If it’s hormones, maybe I needs an outlet to vent and get some release, or maybe i need to see a doctor?” She needs to contemplate it intentionally
And for you, I mean, no offense..but her uterine lining is literally shedding and causing hormonal displacement that’s surging through her body on a cellular level. So, keep that in mind.
Perhaps it’s something you both put into your calendars so you know ahead of time, “hey, this is the time where we both need to be more sensitive toward each other to improve how this goes in the future”
Your church will help you.
PS. I hear resentment from you about her weight. You need to sort that out for yourself, it won’t go away, it will only grow. Can you accept her as she is? Is her trying to improve going to ever be enough for you?
We’re all with fault and fucked up, ya know? Maybe she can loop you in on some of what her experiences with your faults are – not to smush it in your face – but to remind you that we all need tolerance and patience. As lovers, your primary role is to provide that to each other – it’s biblical
I’m not sure if this is dating advice as much as it is /relationship_advice but it sounds like you have a solid foundation to work upon.
If you have an issue with her weight, maybe introduce the idea of you two getting out more to bike, go for a hike, or just a walk in the evening. Not critical but supportive. I know this probably won’t be popular here as it may be misconstrued as subversive behavior. I also think working out with a partner or taking part in activities like this helps with bonding. The happiest couples I know always seem to be doing something together.
As far as her period, both of you learning how her body works and what works for her is key. Now this maybe outside of her control. I dated someone with endometriosis and it makes periods unbearable. She would be physically incapacitated for days and not so pleasant to be around. I’d say this will come with time when you will notice the signs. I’d say simply being there would as a rock helps. Consistently just there. Not giving advice. Just listening and know that she’ll be back to her usual self. Haha it’s a bit like Dr.Jekyl and Mr.Hyde but she sounds like an amazing person and worth trouble sometimes.
Going to echo PMDD. There are some tips and tricks (holistic methods), but she may need to get on medication for it if it’s as extreme as you are describing.
As far as the weight, I know some are suggesting working out/physical activities together (which can be nice and fun!), but given that her weight is what it is before you started dating (eg not relationship-related weight gain or anything that you were present for) and she doesn’t seem to be bringing it up, she’s probably happy at where she is at. You’ll need to decide if you’re OK with it.
Sounds like her depression is physiological, so unless its caused by medication like birth control, its not goin to change barring some other physiological change like a pregnancy(extremely unlikely). If you want to stay in the relationship, you need to find out what your willing to live with. Then set those boundaries with her, while she is her usual self in a good headspace and get her to agree to them.
If I was there, and would stay (big if, since this is not something I would want to bring kids around) I would set the precedent that I would ignore it when it happens and just accept it. Its only 3 days a month. I would remain as calm as possible, not react to her depressive episodes and outbursts and attempts to bring me down with her. I would treat her normally, and give her space, and also avoid her if she was being to difficult. I would be honest about it too, and when she is back to her normal self, I would act as always. If you stay, you pretty much accept her for what she does, and you cant really hold what she does against her, because its not really her during that period, and she cant control it.
If she possibly has Adhd the period hormones can worsen symptoms like anxiety and depression which are normally under control. This is a chemical imbalance and I would say that 27 days of good each month is really good and maybe you need to not react to what is a pattern .
The gut has a ton of connection to the brain. For me, processed sugars high fructose corn syrup(which is in everything) and seed oils (specifically canola) do terrible things to my mental health.
Next, alcohol. I don’t drink anymore. After being a social drinker, rugby player, sports attender, if I drink of Saturday, Wednesday I am in a giant hole, so I don’t drink anymore.
If you want to focus on things and work with your partner on these things that’s very noble of you.
I would say leave. It’s not your responsibility. You’re not married. She’s not the mother of your children. Her mental health should not be your responsibility.
I helped a partner beat an eating disorder. I found out about it 6 months in. I didn’t know how much of a thing it would become. And when I asked for help 4 years cutting back on weed and alcohol, she was not there for me.
Sometimes when people write posts like this I put myself in the position of the person they’re writing about to ask myself “Would I want to be in a relationship knowing this is how someone spoke about me without my knowledge?”
I know this is the anonymous internet, but still, I think care and consideration are real hallmarks of love and I don’t see them here.
It sounds as though she might have PMDD. Some psychiatrists prescribe antidepressants like bupropion xl (which works quickly and can be started and stopped without a ton of side effects) to take just around a woman’s period to treat PMDD depression.
You also might want to read up on Mental Health First Aid, which might have some techniques/tools for you to use when she’s experiencing depression. There are even classes on it you can take.
She sounds awesome. She’s right you shouldn’t have abandoned her when she was clearly going through dark times. You, by contrast, seem to want perfection from her rather than seeing who she is right now, and that’s concerning. You can’t edit humans, you just have to see them and love them for who they are, “fat,” suffering from a hormonal depression, and otherwise. We can only hope to help the people we love be happy and fulfilled. Please consider changing your approach.
Throw a therapist at her?
Is she on birth control? That shit really fucks with women’s hormones and in the process their emotions. Would be worth discussing with her. It’s a sensitive topic so tread lightly and tactfully, but there are other options than conventional birth control pills which might alleviate some of the emotional pendulum.
I’ve been there. I know it’s hard, props to you for seeking advice, it’s clear you care about her.
If she has a weight problem and severe PMS or PMDD it may be a problem with her endocrine system and that’s no joke. If you love her when it’s good, please help her get the courage to talk to her doctor about this. It can be very serious and lead to horrible Peripartum and Postpartum Depression.
I have PMDD and I always pre-warn people about how irritable and miserable I am during my period. During my worse days, I try not to interact with others and it works for me. Therapy alone cannot cure PMDD and neither can diet. But she should try and be clear about what she needs from you during her episodes. Past partners have just made me hot tea, fed me something sweet, and told me tomorrow would be better. Worked for us
>I just wish you would’ve given me the courtesy of sticking out my growth with me instead of leaving me to do it on my own. Walk through my darkness with me so I don’t have to be alone for it.”
If someone I dated would have said some shit like this to me it would have solidified breaking up as one of the best decisions of my life.
Sounds like it could be PMDD, although we aren’t doctors. Please urge her to get it checked out by a doctor.