My (F19) boyfriend (M19) and I have been together for four years and graduated highschool class of 22. We share many goals and values and in that way I’d consider us an amazing match. We agreed we’d attend college after highschool, a year later we’d move in, then later move to an area where I can attend school longer and he can work, get married, have kids, etc…. The issue is that he keeps letting me down in major ways that are leaving me to question if this is the relationship for me and what to do in this situation.
Timeline of events that lead up to this…
– August 2023, was supposed to start college, he didn’t because he hadn’t properly registered for classes and admitted that he didn’t want to attend school. He also didn’t have a car.
– He got a car and began school in the winter for a welding certification. Then dropped out because he became depressed and said it was to hard managing a part time job, his one in person class 12 to 3 pm, and the HW. Additionally, he took time off of work for this but went back after a week.
– A month later he began to feel sick, dizzy, upset stomach, headache, etc… And took work off for another week and half. He ended up getting fired because he wasn’t communicating with them about what was happening.
In conclusion…
He is supposed to start councling next week and has a scheduled doctors visit for a mental and physical check up. I see he’s trying to put the work in but it’s so frustrating and I often feel resentful for where we are. Personality wise I know he’s my person but partner wise I’m just not sure. I am considering just not moving in together and seeing what he does instead until we both hopefully graduate.
Any advice is appreciated. I’m just not in a relationship that I want in the way that he’s not independent, self reliant, reliable, and emotionally mature, but I do see he’s trying to put in the work to get there and we do have time to figure it out.
TLDR: My boyfriend and I have these shared dreams about how we want our future to go but he’s fallen through on his part. It’s leaving me questioning if this is the relationship for me. What do I do??!!,
3 comments
There are so many great people in this world. I bet that deep down, your boyfriend is one of them too, and that you admire him for it. Yet I don’t see you dating all of those millions or billions of great people. Why? Because being a great person is usually a prerequisite for a partner but it’s not the **only** thing that matters. You need someone who can also be the right partner for you in myriad other ways.
I hope this professional help that he’s scheduled will help him become the person he wants to be. I think it’s obvious in the meantime that he is objectively not the partner you need him to be. Your admiration of his positive qualities isn’t enough.
I think you are wise to consider not moving in. That will give you more flexibility in terms of deciding to stay together or not, and if he has to move home so his parents can take care of him or something it won’t be as much of an impact on you.
It’s okay to take a wait and see approach for a while, and it’s also completely fine to break up over stuff like this at any point. Keep building a life that will make you happy whether single or with him, and you will be good in the long run either way.
Don’t move in with him. This is his stuff to figure out. While you can support him emotionally, if you move in with him, you will be responsible for everything (chores, money, his mental well being, etc).
Its great that he is getting professional help, because he needs that. He also needs to learn to stand on his own to be a fully formed adult.
You also need to live and grow. Focus on your studies and becoming the person you want to be. Figure out what you want separate from life with him. Do you want to join a club? A volunteer gig? A new hobby? Make new friends? Internships and where you want your career to go. Other boring stuff like building credit, how to save for a house if you want, how to save for retirement. How to make a budget and how to save for purchases like vacations and other fun things.
Maybe he will be able to get back on track and go to work/school to become who he wants to be. And maybe he won’t. But you don’t have to stick with him if he isn’t the partner that you need/deserve.