I 23f have been dating my bf Nicky 24m for 2 years. We dating in highschool and college briefly but it wasn’t until my senior year of college we started to seriously date. He has always been broke and bad with money, but that wasn’t issue in the beginning.
He’s an amazing boyfriend, the most emotionally available man I’ve met and kind caring thoughtful, but he’s just so broke it’s annoying. In the beginning of our relationship, I received 7k from unemployment, he then quit his job and we hung out every single day just going out to eat & on trips where I paid for everything. I talked to him about how resentful I was getting & things improved for a little bit but not much. A few months later he receives 10k from unemployment which was great! But it turns out it was an error & he had to give it back. But he couldn’t because he SPENT ALL OF IT. I still don’t know to this day where all that money went, definitely not to bills because he still pays car payments.
My family has never been good with money, so I’m currently fighting against my own nature to spend but it’s hard because he’s a big spender too (from his family). He would tell me he would save money to take me out on a date but it would never happen. Whenever we go on trips I always pay, whenever I want to go out rather than just sit in the house, I always have to pay because he literally can’t.
I’m cutting him slack because he’s learning how to code on his own (it’s been over a year since he started) then works DoorDash in the evenings. I use to DoorDash so I know how low the money can be, but I’m trying to get my business off the ground & majority of my money needs to go towards it. I live at home and pay relatively no bills but I’m slowly going into debt bc I’m constantly paying for 2 people. Whenever I voice my concerns to him, he always says that we will split things or we just won’t go out. But that never happens, because after working all week, I want to go out on the weekend (museum, restaurants), but I can’t because I’d pay for both of us.
Yesterday he asked to borrow $7 so he can buy a video game, and it just made me crack. Like it’s become so normal me just giving him money. I think it’s even impacted my sexual attraction to him because we haven’t had sex in over 6 months. But I still crave sex but not with him.
I’m attractive & ambitious, I don’t want to be wasting my time with someone that will bring the worst financial parts of me out.
I keep pushing him to apply for a job with his coding but he always says he’s not ready & I stress him out. I know he works hard with his coding & it’ll take time but I feel like I’m at a breaking point since it’s being going on our entire relationship. Am I placing too much expectations on him since we’re still so young? I love him so much and don’t want this relationship to end but I don’t know what to do. 🙁
TLDR: my boyfriend is broke but working towards being a front end developer, but I’m tired of parking for everything right now, am I wasting my time?
7 comments
Tell him you’re no longer going to pay for him,and stick to it. Let him figure out how to support himself. The big problem here is you have been paying for him way too much. You can fix that simply by deciding not to do that.
It’s not about the money, it’s about the effort. Are you seeing any real progress in his coding skills? Is he making genuine attempts to secure a job? If not, it may be time to reevaluate if he’s really worth investing your time and money into.
He’s 24…that’s not too much expectation…
>Yesterday he asked to borrow $7 so he can buy a video game, and it just made me crack
Smh
It’s okay (and completely understandable!) to decide to be done. Since that’s not how you’re feeling right now, I’d recommend that you schedule those museum visits and meals out with friends. Let him know that you can’t afford to pay for him anymore–which is true!–and that you need him to put some effort into finding free things for the two of you to do on dates.
It sounds like it’s not so much that he’s broke, it’s that he’s irresponsible and completely untrustworthy when it comes to money. He makes promises then makes no serious effort to deliver on them and takes actions that are breathtakingly stupid (blowing 10k in such a short time with nothing to show for it). He’s also not interested in changing (won’t apply for jobs or do any serious introspection).
I’m older than you and I have been in a long-term relationship with someone who had similar attitudes to money as your boyfriend, so I will try to give you the benefit of my experience.
At 23, this is an annoyance. Imagine what it will be like in your late 20s/early 30s, when you might want to start doing things like saving up for a wedding or a deposit for a house. Do you think he’s ever going to work with you to save for those things, or do you think it’s more likely he’ll impulsively blow whatever money he has and claim you’re putting too much pressure on him, like he does now? Do you want to have kids? If so, can you do that on your own? Because you know that you can’t rely on him to help financially, or do any of the not-fun parts. Do you want to get married? How confident would you feel tying your major financial assets to this guy and sharing responsibility for paying back any liabilities that he creates?
Maybe he’ll get more responsible with money as he gets older. Some people do. But many people don’t, and I wouldn’t count on it. Also, change will only come from his own desire for it. You can’t talk people into changing for you. No, not even through couples counselling, if they don’t actually want to change. So my question to you is, if he stayed pretty much exactly as he is for the rest of his life, is this flaw something you could accept? If not, you know what you have to do.
So tell me… what’s so amazing about your mooching and lazy boyfriend? He might be so “loving” and “emotional available” because he needs you to be his ATM? Also, stop acting like a mother. He’s old enough to know better.
Yeah, you’re wasting your time. The perpetual ‘when I am ready’ mentality is exhausting to watch and financially risky for you. When is he ready? When does he decide that he is a responsible adult? You shouldn’t have to finance him at the expense of your own security. Love is not enough.