My partner feels that I don’t publicly acknowledge our relationship as I don’t post photos of us or acknowledge special occasions such as her Birthday via Social Media.
I have Facebook and Instagram accounts but don’t actively post. I like and comment on her posts, including photos of us. I will like friends posts and use it to send Birthday wishes to people I won’t see on the day.
She is deeply unhappy at the fact that I don’t post about us or use the platform to with her a Happy Birthday, Happy Anniversary etc. I argue that I don’t because I can, and do, this in person.
I can’t help but feel that she is preoccupied with Social Media, is attention seeking and obsessed with “the likes”.
Your thoughts?
31 comments
I wouldn’t say that’s the case but your online presence when connected with friends should reflect who you are in real life. She’s feeling like she’s being hidden.
Think how easy it would be for you to make these two little posts per year. Compare that to how it will make your partner feel. Consider how she currently feels. Why on earth would you not just do this?
I feel like one of the goals of a romantic relationship us to improve your partner’s life. This is such a low effort high yield action. And honestly, in her place, I’d be hurt as well.
No thoughts other than that you’ve probably pegged her accurately. Being this way at 15 is one thing. Dragging this kind of narcissism into adulthood is scary.
It may be her way of just saying she wants you to be proud of your relationship, like yelling from the rooftops “I love her” but since she is wrapped in social media, this is how she knows to say it.
take the time to sit down and really have a conversation about this. Explain you dont use social media much so it just not a big part of who you are. Let her know you proud of her in other ways like sending her flower while she is at work so all her friends can see.
I dont know, maybe that just the old fashion me coming out.
Both of you should get off social media. Everyone should get off social media. But this “keeping up appearances” bullshit can fuck right off, save yourselves, your sanities, your relationship.
on one hand, I completely agree with you that she seems overly “preoccupied with Social Media”. I would be tempted to tell her she needs to just get over it, except for one thing:
THis is a really easy to way make her happy. Why not do it?
I feel you on that one. I find flaunting your personal life on social media to be… unnecessary.
I literally have 15 total posts on my Instagram. And a good portion of them are my girlfriend.
I know it sounds like a chore, but if posting a picture for her once in a while, makes her happy… then it was worth it to me.
And yes, this is exactly it:
>I can’t help but feel that she is preoccupied with Social Media, is attention seeking and obsessed with “the likes”.
I went through this same thing. Would I rather defend / fight about it? or would I rather keep the relationship happy?
Making the occasional post takes less than 15 mins and makes the partner feels happy. For that, I could compromise and just go through it.
Food for thought.
But if you have zero desire to post about things, perhaps sit down and have a conversation with her. Talk to her about your media presence and that you’re not into it. You only have it to maintain touch with people + occasional browsing.
It’s not about the likes, they just want you to show them off a bit and be proud of your relationship.
I think you could make your partner very happy by just spending a few minutes every once in a while to make them feel a little more loved, why are you fighting against it so hard? Speak to people in the language of love your partner understands, never try to force them to speak YOUR language when you are expressing love for THEM. And it should be vice versa ❤️ spend a few minutes and make them happy
Here’s a story:
When I met my SO ages ago I was an insecure wreck getting out of a divorce. I wanted him to acknowledge us on facebook because I wanted to feel like I matter to him, and that was the only thing I could think of. To his credit, he didn’t put up with my BS and ended up closing his account later on. And when I got my head out of my backside, I apologised, then hit my 30s and realised social media is more draining than it’s worth.
Now your partner is a bit older than that, but perhaps she feels similarly and needs a proper chat (or 20) to get it and chill tf out?
Why should she have to force you? This is important to her. It’s not a big deal to you, so why not just do that for her?
So. I married my ex, he wouldn’t even acknowledge the wedding photos I posted. Things changed a lot after we were married. He wouldn’t post about our daughter, wouldn’t post or talk about me, but was on social media constantly. Like this dude would spend hours a day on it. I finally asked him about it and he tried to claim I only wanted attention. I felt like I was being hidden. Like he was ashamed of our daughter and me. He was hiding posts from me, and claiming to do all the things I did, and I had no idea until someone sent me screenshots. For me it was I didn’t feel like he was happy, he wasn’t proud, and didn’t want people seeing me. When his aunt posted on his Facebook that he had a lovely wife he flew into a rage. In his case he was hiding me. He had spent years painting me as this slob who did nothing on his social media while hiding it from me, and that’s how he managed to start his affair. I don’t think you would do that, but I understand how she feels. It hurt to see him acknowledge people he barely talked to, but he couldn’t even be bothered to post our wedding photo.
Post something nice about her!. If you don’t she will get a guy who will
> she is preoccupied with Social Media, is attention seeking and obsessed with “the likes”.
Based on what I’ve read, I concur. Seems like random internet strangers and bots are more important than real world interactions. I hope she can find her way to a better head space than she’s currently in. All the best.
I dk man, I both get it and don’t get it. I get that it seems like she wants to feel appreciated and acknowledged by you and to her, social media is the way to do it. Do you otherwise acknowledge your relationship? Does she have any other reason to feel that you’ve been maybe hiding her? I don’t get it because I’m also not really a social media poster. If you both have Instagram – if she posts a story or something about you and tags you, could you reshare it yourself? I do that sometimes and it’s a lower key way (IMO) to say “look we’re close” than having to do it yourself. I feel so awkward and weird when I have to post myself that I just don’t.
The more important question is does it really make your life so hard to post some photos of you & your wife? Seems like such a small task to make her happy.
I had a Facebook account but never used it. She would actually take my phone and post messages for herself under my account.
My solution to this and these same demands was to finally just delete it altogether.
so you don’t do it because you don’t care for it. Well she’s telling you SHE cares and this whole situation could go away in about two mins with a quick pic with a heart caption dude. will this effect you negatively?no .will it make your partner feel happy that ur proud of ur relationship ?yes
My fiance is like this, but once we had an honest discussion about love languages and how it would make me feel more appreciated and feel that he was proud to be with me, he immediately opened fb and posted about us (our engagement).
He understood that the point of partnership isn’t to be right, but to do what you can to make your partner happy and feel loved. I also do things I think are stupid for him because HE loves them, and that’s what makes him happy.
Just be honest and tell her you don’t like documenting your life on social media for the world to see. If she cannot accept that explanation, then tell her you are not the right person for her to be in a relationship with and that if it bothers her that much,, she should just break up with you.
Life is too short to put up with petty bullshit!
She wants to know you’re showing the relationship to the world. She feels like you’re hiding it.
Firstly, your partner, or any other person for that matter, shouldn’t be forcing you to do anything. They don’t get to make your decisions.
Secondly, try to understand where she’s coming from and see if you can come to an understanding or a compromise. It sounds as though she wants to know you value her and the relationship. But she needs to understand that that isn’t how you show those feelings.
Lastly, it might be worth pointing out to her that most people online only post things that make them look good. It’s all optics. And often the people who are so keen to showcase thier “perfect” relationships on social media are way overcompensating for something or just trying to convince themselves that their unhappy relationships are all sunshine and rainbows.
Find a way to show her you care that you can both feel good about and remind her that making each other happy and building a life together is so much more fulfilling and important than what other people think about your relationship. The only opinions about the relationship that matter are the people who are in it.
You are hiding her and it is a problem for her.
It cost you nothing to say something nice to her and acknowledge her publicly. This is her love language: words of affirmation.
When you love someone, you meet them half way🙂
Honestly, it takes you about a minute to make a post, and it would make her happy. What does it cost you? Not publicly claiming your gf makes it seem like you are hiding her or you’re hiding that you’re in a relationship. It’s not about social media presence, it’s about making your partner feel secure.
I think an almost 40 year old “deeply unhappy” about lack of social media validation is a little off. She wants you to acknowledge her on social media when you’re sitting right next to her. To me, that’s weird.
That is absolutely ridiculous behavior coming from a 40 year old woman. Social media is scientifically proven to be addicting and can worsen one’s mental health with depression, body dysmorphia and other mental health issues.
The fact that she is trying to force you to do something that you don’t want to do that is bad for your mental health while also disrespecting your boundaries is depressingly ridiculous and is the behaviour that I would expect from a 13 year old child. (Especially when factoring in the whole “likes” nonsense)
So she wants attention from other people. Let her go
I had something similar happen with my ex-wife. It turned into an argument, and I ended up taking a 5 year break from social media altogether by deactivating my accounts. She was pissed, but I genuinely noticed a change for the better in my emotional well-being. I don’t really look at social media as a way of advertising my life. It’s more just a digital scrapbook, and a way to casually keep in touch with people I know, but that I don’t hang out with, text, or call.
I should add that the divorce had nothing to do with me deactivating my social media, and we were together for about 5 years after that incident.
She’s far too old to be giving a shit about social media presence
Do u have “in a relationship” status on fb? U can or she can just tag u in pics & boom, its on ur profile. If ur posting on sm about bdays & anniversaries its for others, not soo much the person as u said, u can do that in person. Shes coming off insecure, like she wants u to announce to all ur hers. Most guys dont post that stuff.
In my experience, there are two types of people when it comes to public displays of affection (these types of posts are a form of PDA).
Type 1: I’m so overcome by our love that I must shout it from the rooftops! This thing we have is so amazing, I can’t keep it in. Everyone needs to know!
Type 2: This thing we have is so amazing, I just want to keep it social between us. No one in the world matters as much to me as you do, so why would I care if they knew about us?
Both of these types are completely valid, but can look foreign to the other type, and hard to understand. Type 1 thinks type 2 doesn’t care, since they aren’t shouting it from the rooftops. Type 2 thinks type 1 doesn’t care because their affection feels so performative, like they are just doing it to have others validate their relationship.
Maybe figure out why the posts are actually important to her and try to figure out a way that you can express what you feel in a way that is both authentic to you and emotionally fulfilling for her.
My wife 34f lives on FB and sometimes I feel a bit pressured to do stuff on there but I just said I only have it to check on family and such, even when I post nobody really sees it because I have so few friends (because I don’t care about that kind of thing) and my wife understands that i will tell you how much i love you but i dont need to keep banging the drums from the roof tops, I live in a forest and nobody will hear it anyway lol.
OP I fully support you, I think it just comes down to a conversation about her feeling validated and what other ways she would appreciate besides being tagged in a restaurant food picture or a sunset shot.