Hello everybody, I hope you are all well. I would like to
know what you think about an occasion that happened a couple of hours ago. Did I overreact?
To give you some background, My friend (f) and I (24, m) started working at this new place three weeks ago. I only meet my colleagues occasionally, and I only meet them during lunch breaks. Nevertheless, I have been trying to socialize and get to know them, so my friend and I accepted an invitation to a small party.
There is nothing special about this party, three men and four women just chilling and playing board games. It was a friendly environment, until one of the girls, out of the blue, said that ” there are only two types of boys: frogs and rats. You are a rat, and the other two are frogs”.
The moment she said that all three of us became very uncomfortable, and the girls busted out laughing. I heard comments like ” I see that, or that’s true.” From my point of view, I had no relationship with these people, and I felt they were crossing the redlines. I stopped the game, calmly saying the comment was offensive and I expected a proper apology. ( I asked it calmly, but my voice was shaking out of anger)
Interestingly, the laughing girls became quiet and then started to defend the comment, which I rejected calmly (this time, I kept my cool). She first tried to say that was not offensive, and she could classify me as a frog if I wanted. This comment was even more absurd !! I replied that I do not want your opinion and would like an apology. Long story short, I got the apology, and she said she was sorry that she had made an offensive comment toward me. And my friend and I left the party after 20 minutes.
After leaving, I asked my friend what’s her view on that. She said I overreacted !!!!!!!!
From my perspective, nobody has the right to disrespect me, regardless of their relationship. Even if they were my friends, I would ask them to take back their comments. What I do not understand is that, did I overreact?
Edit 1: Hello everybody, I read the comments, and it seems like I simplified the story too much. The details explain why I assumed it was an insult and not a joke.
The events did not transpire seamlessly. After the comment, one of the boys immediately asked what does frogs and rats refer to. And she replied she heard it from her friend, and now she cannot unsee it. That is not an explanation or reasoning. We, in fact, played one more round of the board game, and the question came up again, what are rats and frogs here? Again, no explanations. Moreover, out of the 3 boys in the event, she called me a rat and only one of the other 2 dudes frog. When she was confronted about why the other dude was in neither of the groups, she said she did not know. What sent me off was the argument that they started that they do see rats and frogs in us. And that’s when I stopped the game. Tik tok or appearances did not come up during the conversations.
48 comments
From the context you’ve given I think it was a bit of an overreaction. I can’t tell the nature of the comment or the context, but it seems like it was a joke of some kind and not meant to be malicious. Sometimes people lightly tease one another as friendly banter. It seems like it was a friendly atmosphere, and immediately jumping to the comment was offensive, stopping the game, and demanding an apology probably made the mood very serious.
I think maybe a better way to handle it would’ve been maybe to play it off in a joking way (e.g. Maybe something like ‘Aw I don’t want to be a rat, can I be a donkey instead?’ idk I’m lame). Or even just lightheartedly asking something like why a frog and why a rat.
I was curious so I googled this…apparently it’s a tiktok thing where every person is either a rat or a frog depending on their facial features. Did a buzzfeed quiz and pretty much matched what the majority said re rat vs frog in celebrities.
So yeah, I think you overreacted. Even knowing nothing about this silly trend, playfully calling someone a rat in a laid back social setting does not warrant demanding an apology. But in my opinion, there is very little that a person can say to you that requires this sort of reaction. If I feel genuinely insulted I might say something like “Well that’s your opinion” and shrug it off.
Seems kind of dumb. Just looked it up and looks like it’s just a trend based on your facial shape. If you have a more oval face you’re a rat and if you have more round features you’re a frog. The way she said it could come off like an insult so I get it. I’d say it was probably an over reaction in retrospect but in the moment it definitely sounded like an insult without context.
Both parties seem dumb. A joke or social media trend thing like that with no context provided is dumb. Not laughing off the dumbness after your friend backpedaled is equally dumb.
If you go around calling people rats and frogs without letting them in on the context first, how would you think this would play out?
Those aren’t even remotely flattering out of context.
you did overreact, on the plus side at least she’ll never make jokes toward you again 😅 i certainly wouldn’t
Could of asked what they meant first before yanking thier chain
You obviously werent calm if you made 3 women instantly stop laughing. It’s not like they called you a rat as in somebody who rats out people.
You didn’t overreact. The whole animal face thing is rude and in poor taste. Imagine a boy saying this to some girls first day they meet: Hey I will classify you based on your face. Camel or fish. It’s rude and absurd.
I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean to offend anyone in particular and it was just for fun for her. But it’s good that someone let her know that there is a line btw being funny and offensive.
The honor culture is strong in this one…
i think you overreacted. they were joking around and you misinterpreted their joke as an insult. it happens. their intention doesn’t change the fact you were upset by their comment though, and i don’t mean to invalidate that.
You immediately assumed they were trying to insult you, and immediately started acting like a victim, even though you had no idea what they were talking about.
It’s not graceful, it’s not sociable, and it doesn’t demand respect.
It makes you look like you take you have such low self esteem that you assume the worst out of other people, and any social misstep will be taken as a grievous offence. It will put other people on edge for fear of accidentally offending you.
It does not inspire comfort, trust, or camaraderie. You can decide for yourself whether you want to act like this and whether or not the apology you demanded was worth it.
These are all young people, they like you, are barely starting to understand playful banter. You should take everything as playful flirty banter until you’re certain it isn’t. You definitely over reacted
I had never heard of this trend, but it took very little explanation for me to understand that literally every person is one or the other. In my experience, people who go through life believing that others are intentionally disrespecting them and need to be corrected and demanding apologies have serious anger issues. She didn’t single you out or spew bigotry or say kicking puppies is fun. She did not deserve to be attacked like that. In demanding that she pay for her “disrespect”, I guarantee that you have lost the respect of all of your new coworkers. A genuine apology to her and each who witnessed your actions are your only hope of ever redeeming yourself.
Woof. The last thing you said “nobody has the right to disrespect me”
Friend, many, many people will disrespect you. Many more will never respect you at all. Many upon many people will say stupid shit to you throughout your life, fuck maybe one day those people may be your kids.
Be like water, let it roll off your back. Say calmly and firmly “I think you meant to say…” Then move on. To admit you were shaking means you were having a physical response and anything you say with a physical response will be reactive.
It sounds like a mean concept but it’s just a trend. Before you explode in these situations you should confirm what they’re talking about
First, I don’t blame you for being offended. Someone you’ve only barely met, you’re still trying to figure out what kind of person they are, and they single you out to call you a rat out of nowhere. It sounds like something a bully might say, and it was a major faux pas on her part.
All that being said, it sounds like you got *really* angry. At that point, “speaking calmly” doesn’t hide that and if your voice is shaking, it might actually give the impression that you’re just barely controlling yourself and you might snap at any moment. That can be pretty scary and definitely seems more extreme than was warranted.
Well I can definitely see why you’re in a social skills sub. Definite over reaction. A simple “what do you mean” and let them try to explain it before getting angry would’ve been much better.
As other comments have said. It’s a stupid TikTok trend, and they weren’t intending on disrespecting you. Both parties suck but you didn’t need to be rash.
Yeah you overreacted. You didn’t understand the comment and decided these people owed a forced apology(given to get you to chill as you probably made them uncomfortable) because ‘respect’ which you clearly haven’t necessarily earned from people you barely know.
But good news, now you’ll be the ‘angry guy who overreacts to things he doesn’t understand’ guy at the office and people may steer clear of you. Now you’ll have to earn that respect. Hopefully you can move on from this but wouldn’t hurt to look at your options because they’ll remember this for awhile.
Were you standing in the corner eating a piece of cheese or dragging your oversized balls across the floor and leaving a trail of piss?
there is no need to be so up tight. being called a frog shouldn’t make you so upset that you need to receive a formal apology.
If your voice was shaking out of anger then yeah, thats kinda cringe.
You are allowed to be offended and to enforce your expectations for how people treat you, reducing engagement as you see fit.
This is weighted by the fact that responding with thin skin like this could make them choose to: Not invite you, not charitably define your actions, not go out of their way to advocate for you, not give you opportunity.
What’s more, they wouldn’t be in the wrong for it. Nobody has an obligation to stick their neck out for anyone else.
This post is such a rat post 🐀
Yep overreacted. In my opinion the better thing to do would have been to ask her to elaborate further instead of immediately reacting with pure rage. If someone reacted like that to a non-malicious comment I made I would make a mental note to avoid that person out of a genuine fear of their unpredictability/anger.
I think you should have asked what it meant first. And then decide how you feel about it. I can understand why her joke could be rude but I have no idea what she means lol. Also I think it’s weird to demand an apology, I’ve never heard of that before, then again I’m on this sub for a reason.
Thanks for providing what appears to be a reasonably fair context to the scenario.
Generally, being presented with a socially clumsy (and easily perceived as rude) —comment toward oneself and two others, and taking an *appropriately assertive* stand against such behaviour makes absolute sense.
However— the sudden, and face-to-face “demanding an apology” does strike me as overstepping and escalating toward the “slightly aggressive” …potentially even as “threatening”.
Again, there’s nothing wrong with appropriately standing up for one’s self when confronted with such rudeness.
I certainly understand being offended and hurt by such a rude/ridiculous statement, especially as it was delivered thoughtlessly, and without any given context.
Acknowledging that I have the luxury of time to consider what my own reaction might be, I’d offer this alternative:
There would be nothing wrong with immediately deciding that this isn’t company you want to keep, excusing yourself, -asking if anyone else would like a lift home, and wishing those remaining a nice night, and departing.
This is meeting their rudeness with more politeness than warranted, avoids any aggression or escalation on your part, -doesn’t perceivably infringe on the rights or safety of others, and sends a message about what you will tolerate from the behaviour of those whose company you keep.
-OR-
If inclined, one could mention/ ask:
“That sounds bloody dreadful; what are you talking about?” …then after hearing them out, decide how you wish to continue.
In the context of your free social time, you owe no time toward those who treat you with such thoughtless rudeness.
Practicing a mindful, balanced assertiveness is something most of us could use more work on. I acknowledge that I certainly could stand to do the same. It’s a really difficult thing to balance in social dynamics!
Yes, you did overreact. If none of the guys laughed at her comment, that was your bonding opportunity with them. You could have asked something back like “what’s that?” Or “and what would you be?” or just simply ignore it and keep playing.
i call my coworkers in our cubicle corner “rats” all the time because we all have snack drawers and spin in our chairs during phone calls and transcribe mental health assessments in the sid the sloth voice from the ice age movies. rats are rad and i’m sorry about your unfortunate rat bias, stigma rat hater 🐀
It’s a big reaction for acquaintances and a first party. Better would have been to play it off cool and avoid these girls in the future. Then you seem more easy to get along with. Not all annoyances demand an apology, you can set a boundary by not seeing them again.
You definitely overreacted. If I was in your situation, I would have thought the girls were being just weird and I would have laughed at them. I don’t think I’d get offended for being called a rat or frog because I don’t look like either. The only way I can see this as not being an overreaction is if you actually look similar to a rat and have been called that several times in your life in which this party just triggered your insecurities. People only get offended by insults if they know it’s true. If they know it’s not true than why are they offended?
Dude you jumped the gun instead of immediately asking for clarification. A simple “What do you mean?” would completely solve the issue.
Instead, you instantly got butthurt because you ASSUMED she was disrespecting you. So yeah, you totally overreacted and shown you’re immature and jumping to conclusions.
Bit of a snowflake ain’t ya mate
Your reaction showed you were insecure. At the bare minimum you could have asked what they meant by it, but instead you decided to jump down their throats and demand an apology. The girls sounded like they were having a good time and just making playful banter.
I guess it was sorta dumb of her to say, but why not just ask what she meant? I would simply have asked what the hell she meant by rats and frogs, if nothing else out of curiosity.
Being called a rat was an odd thing to do, but if you’d dropped it, in a month you would have forgotten about it and just remembered the fun board game night. Now you’re remembered for storming out of a party and causing a scene over a three letter word spoken in jest.
—
JVM_ speaking to u/Agabonka_banka at a party: “You have purple knees”
Option 1: u/Agabonka_banka “What does that even mean?”
Option 2: u/Agabonka_banka “Apologize immediately!”
You chose option 2, which means that you accepted her insult – you didn’t deny your rat-ness and try to understand why the others were frogs – you just swallowed the rat “insult” and went on the attack.
If I told you you had purple knees, you’d be confused and disagree. If I told you you were 12 ft tall, you’d be confused and disagree. If I told you you were a rat, you *should* be confused and disagree… but you didn’t.
How to Win Friends and Influence People, released in October 1936 says you should let friends make mistakes. Correcting people in a social situations rarely has positive outcomes – no one likes being told they’re wrong or even being corrected.
Sounds like everyone was having harmless fun and you killed the vibe. Why are you so angry. You are obviously a human and not a rat OR AN amphibian. Why so angry? Why do you need to ruin the fun? Can you just chill and hang out like everyone else?
“No, You wrecked it!”- Cheryl/Carol/Charleen from Archer.
Yeah, you did. Frog and rat refers to your face shape. Nothing to get offended over, I think it’s clear you misunderstood what they were talking about but you’ve made a bit of a tit out of yourself over nothing
While I agree it’s off putting to call someone a rat, especially someone you don’t know well, it’s also really weird to immediately demand an apology. First of all, you should assume positive intent, that’s a good general rule that will help you avoid situations like this in the future. But also, doesn’t asking for an apology kind of defeat the entire point of one? Like, ok, she said sorry, but only because you asked? I think you take yourself much too seriously if one comment sends you off the rails like that, especially from a chick you don’t know.
There are ways to set that boundary and make it clear you didn’t appreciate the comment without going all mafioso on them lol.
But you’re on here willingly giving this information, which is an important step, so obviously you know this is something to work on. Some won’t even make that first step.
this reads like a Quora question 💀
For all the people standing up for OP, I want you to stop and ask yourself why you’re even seeing this post… it’s because your subbed to the social skills subreddit.
So maybe you don’t have all the answers.
There’s a way to stand up for yourself without looking like a hot-headed psycho. Nobody respects OP more after this interaction. Very much the opposite in fact. His friend already made that clear.
You know what DOES look badass? Taking an insult/offensive joke on the chin and making it obvious that you have so much self belief and self confidence that random comments from strangers don’t affect you. That’s how you’ll get the respect that you seem ever so desperate for.
This comment is more for the comment section since at least OP can admit his mistakes. All the idiots defending him like their life depends on it need a wake up call. You’re not some fuckin gangster lol.
yikes
it’s a tiktok trend, they were just making light conversation
Overreacted! Grow up
You sound like an immature baby. You definitely overreacted, and you didn’t even get the meaning behind the classification. You made yourself look like a fool to anyone who witnessed that interaction. I hope YOU learned a lesson about asking someone to explain their comment (and actually listening to their response) rather than reacting in anger 💢
Did you not ask what they meant? Making a big deal of this does sound awkward.
That doesn’t sound like a nice comment even with the trend explaining it. Tf is wrong with people.
Yup you over reacted instead of asking what she meant. Given my temper i would do it too and I hate to admit that, but this was all just a misunderstanding worth 4 words and a question mark. Always give them a turn before you conclude you are right. You might be, but do you not wear a helmet while riding a bike even if you a good rider?