TLDR: I (21M) just found out that my GF (26F) is married, got kicked out and is now living with me. I don’t know what to do.
Hey guys. I’ve been lurking and listening to reddit stories for a while but never figured one day I might add one of my own.
I’m a 21M college student. I work for a company known to employ lots of young, good-looking students like myself, and it leads to a lot of hooking up between colleagues. I usually go out with one or two female colleagues every week. It’s always casual, like a one big FWB group. It’s not frowned upon by company policy btw.
Then a couple months ago a new girl was hired, “Laura” (26F). She is gorgeous and had a smile that melts hearts. I was assigned to train the new employees, and it was hard not to stare at her. We chit chatted after the training day was done and exchanged instagrams. Her profile had several pics of her wearing bikinins and lingerie, doing poses, etc., so I figured she was another aspiring IG model (we have lots of those working here). Later that day, after work, I DMd her and just said “wow”.
She responded quickly (“That’s all you have to say?”) I lold and we started chatting. She was smart and witty, and I got to know her better. She said she lived with her mom and was saving money for college in the near future. We texted each other all night.
That very same week I asked her out and we went to a bar near work. We drank, and she was very flirty, so I stepped up and invited her to my flat, which is also near. We hooked up and it was AMAZING. She was so intense, so into it, she looked like a caged beast being set free. After an hour or so she got up, got dressed hurriedly and said she had to rush home because her mom would be worried. We kissed goodbye and off home she went.
After that night we started hooking up almost every day. We just went to my place straight after work, and clothes flew off. Even after she was back home we would text each other all night.
Even though we never actually discussed being a couple, I stopped seeing other girls, and I figured since we were seeing each other every day and texting all night, well, there couldn’t be anyone else on her side as well. I was slowly falling for this girl.
We kept this up for a month or so, when I decided to bring up our relationship. I wanted us to be official. She was shocked at first, and then looked a little sad. I asked if she did not feel the same and she mumbled that she likes me but is avoiding commitment until she can leave her mom’s house and get into college. I said I was fine with waiting, that we could keep seeing each other as we were. She reassured me I was her only guy and went home.
A couple weeks later, she didn’t show up at work. I DMd her, but no response. She didn’t call in sick or anything, so I was worried. I went home that day and later that night she showed up at my place.
She was carrying a bag and was crying, saying that she got into a fight with her mom and got kicked out, and she had nowhere else to go. Of course I allowed her to stay. I made us some tea and she went to bed. That was actually the first night we actually slept together. I woke up several times due to her crying.
The next day she was up early, and I woke up to the smell of breakfast. She had already made scrambled eggs and coffee. I must admit I felt like proposing to her right there and then. We talked, she was calmer, and I told her she could stay for as long as it takes for her to make peace with her mother, but since her disappearing act the day before, I actually asked for her phone number because I got worried (yeah up until this point we only communicated through IG).
She called in sick and I went to work as normal. I was feeling pretty good about having Laura living with me, and wondered all day if this could lead to somewhere serious down the road. My friends commented I had a silly smile all day. When I got home, I found it clean as it never been before. The house smelled like homemade dinner for the first time (I can’t cook to save my life). I jokingly said “Honey, I’m home!” and she came to me, embraced me and asked about my day. I said “I think we just skipped dating to actually being married…”
That gave her pause, but she agreed, and for the first time we exchanged “I love you”.
I was in heaven for a week. That’s how long my honeymoon lasted.
In that week things seemed to have settled somewhat. Laura and I went to work every day, became official to our colleagues and started hanging out together.
Laura seemed happy, but every now and then would fall back into tears. I asked her to talk to her mom, to make peace, but during these crying outbursts she barely responded to me, so I gave her space.
Last night, she was crying in bed again, so I just hanged in the living room playing on my phone. I checked IG and there was a suggestion to follow a contact of mine (\[at\]LauraHerLastname). I thought for a moment it had to be a secondary backup account because IG models get banned every now and then. Thing is, that profile was private, and the only visible photo was of her with a man I’ve never seen.
I wanted to talk to her right there and then, but decided against it, because she was still so emotional. What I did instead was to dig deeper, and I found her Facebook. It’s old and outdated, she hasn’t posted anything in years, but in her FB photos there it was: wedding photos. She has a husband.
I never asked. She never wore a ring. Never mentioned another man. But suddenly everything fits. Having to rush home, never sleeping over, never inviting me to her place.
I’m crushed. After reading so many stories here I’ve grown to despise cheaters, but I love her. She never cheated on me, I think, but she is cheating on her husband now, and he probably found out and kicked her out, and that’s why she’s here.
Does she love me? Or am I just a backup plan? If she leaves him for me, will she cheat on me?
I don’t know what to do. I will confront her tomorrow, she’s asleep now. Do I support the woman I love? Or do I kick her out? I want SO HARD to believe that I’m missing something, that she’s divorced, or he’s gone.
Sorry for the long post, I have a lot on my chest right now. Please feel free to ask anything and give any advice you can.
15 comments
You are 21, this is some drama I would avoid at your age. She lied by omission about being married. Nothing good can come of this long term I don’t think.
This relationship has been built on lies since its very foundation. You cannot trust anything she says and will never be able to either. You don’t even know if you’ve been the only mister she cheated with during this marriage of hers.
It sucks, but its best to not go any further deeper into this relationship. This lady does not have her act together in life and the drama in it is only going to escalate. Hell- you don’t even know if she’s actually fully committed to leaving her husband (it sounds like she got dumped by him rather than the other way around) and whether she’s going to spend her time from here on out always thinking about the other man, not knowing who (or what) she wants and cheating the next time she goes through a bit of turmoil or needs some validation (Etc).
You’re very young and have got your whole life ahead of you. This is too much drama. Slow down the pace of your dating life and get to know people a bit more calmly and better. This lady was always a bit of a mystery to you and there’s been a lot of animal lust going on here, you need to think with your head a bit more. It might be hard to stop yourself from comforting her but remember she is not the victim in this and very much knew what she was doing when she got with you (she is crying more about her consequences than anything else right now).
She ain’t divorced, yet. He isn’t gone.
I am not on team let’s burn all cheaters. Life is far to complicated for that.
Take your time, figure out what you want. Tell her this.
I would let her stay, but thats me and I have no idea about any of the other parties involved
Dude she played you and her husband. How can a healthy and long term relationship start like that. I can’t believe you give side chick energy. Stand up! Don’t be an accomplice to her cheating.
Talk to her and get her story.
She could be abused. Neglected. etc.
Anything about her cheating on you or being a back up plan depends on how honest she’s going to be with you. You barely know her and if you want a long term chance then she needs to open up and be honest.
And you need to trust her.
You’ve given blind trust but now have some red flags to investigate. Time to talk and see if this is a fling or a long term.
First of all, other commenters are making *LOTS* of assumptions. And assumptions make an ass out of you and me. So before you listen to the other posters, who ****don’t even know if she is still married****, maybe find out if that’s even true. If she’s married, take the other commenters advice for sure. If she’s not, you’re going to ruin what sounds like an otherwise good relationship just because you made some (admittedly plausible) assumptions and never even heard her side of the story.
So, what’s the play? the main thing you gotta do is talk to Laura about what you found. You saw those wedding pics, but who knows what’s really going on? Maybe she’s not married anymore, maybe she’s separated or divorced. **You won’t know until you ask her.**
Just have an honest chat with her and see what she says. And remember, it’s okay to lean on your friends and family for advice too. They know you best and can help you figure things out.
People’s situations can change, and she could be divorced or separated by now. That’s why having that honest conversation with her is so crucial.
When you sit down with her, let her know what you found and give her the chance to explain her side of the story. There might be more to it than you realize, and understanding the whole picture will help you make the best decision for yourself.
Keep an open mind and **remember that everyone has a past**. Focus on the present and how you both can move forward in your relationship, whether that’s together or apart
Whatever happens, trust yourself and your feelings. You deserve a relationship built on honesty and trust. Good luck, and I hope everything works out!
If she hasn’t posted on Facebook in years, you can’t really know if she’s still married without more digging. She could
Have easily ditched Facebook and made a new ig after a divorce. Lots of people just don’t bother deleting old photos or profiles, and the two of you still seem new enough that she may not have felt the need to divulge it.
If you don’t think you can trust whatever she tells you, you may be able to find more out via Google.
You do need to talk to her, but I don’t think you should jump to conclusions. IF your suspicions are right – and I’m not saying they’re not – you should get away asap. But right now you really don’t have enough info.
She just showed up with a bag and you let her move in?? That’s not the normal pace of a healthy relationship.
You’ve been hooking up with a hot woman for a couple of months. You have been having great sex but you really don’t know that much about her.
Stop jumping to conclusions, stop making plans for the rest of your life for now and just talk to her. Find out who she really is. You are going to find out everything you need to know by actually getting to know her, not from Reddit. And it’s going to take some time.
Then you can decide if you want to go for that ride or not.
I wouldn’t let her stay.
Real life is way more complicated than just “cheaters are evil”.
Its a very emotive subject obviously, and many who cheat really suck, but not all.
That being said, she is a liar. She lied to you. If she had been upfront and said she hates her husband and he is neglectful and blah blah maybe there could be justifications. But sounds like she was lying to you as well.
Your entire relationship is based on a lie. You actually do not know this woman, you love an image of her that you know for a fact isn’t real.
So step one is time away from her. A few weeks and disgust might start to set in as the burning love can fade a little. You might realise what a huge violation it was to lie to you and make you party to an affair.
Even if she it not married anymore, this relationship is moving extremely fast and is likely to crash and burn once things leave this new phase. You don’t really know each other at all, i mean, you didn’t even have her number for the first part of your “relationship”.
It’s really easy to hide things when things are such a whirlwind and you’re only focused on what’s happening presently. Find out the truth and go from there. If you decide to proceed then slow form a bit and actually date each other before you run and get married.
Women are experts at making a bad relationship seem like a fairytale. If it seems like a fairytale, it likely is.
If she’ll cheat WITH you, she’ll cheat ON you.
“She never cheated on me, she just cheated on her husband”
……
I’m not sure if that comment is the stupidest one from your post or the one saying you wanted to marry her because she made you breakfast one time.