Me (32) and my boyfriend (34) have been in a relationship for 12 years, and despite loving him in many ways I am strongly considering ending the relationship for several reasons and am searching for advice.
When we first met we were just starting our studies and planning our future carriers. I ended up completing my MBA 5 years ago and working in an office job, while he ended up not completing any of his studies. Originally he was studying to be a Lawyer but then ended up not completing the last year and a half. When he stopped his studies he said he wanted to take some time to explore his passions. He has ended up taking up personal interests and hobbies which do not have any monetary value and criticises any work or entrepreneurial ideas. He now justifies his way out of ever finishing his studies or working any office job because the amount of money he would save and akrew after 20 years would not even amount to purchasing a home these days so what is the point. Every year I get more worried about him not completing his studies because the decision becomes more permanent, and will make it forever hard for him to get a job. He is from a large family and all of his siblings are very hard working, energised and motivated to be successful in life and their careers. He has basically become more focused on being frugal, sustainable, discount shopper than wanting to be financially comfortable, which he is able to sustain by working one day a week and having a relatively wealthy family.
I started a new job this year and have been wanting to make a good impression so I have been working more hours than I should. My boyfriend gets made at me for spending so much time working and for looking at my work phone in my free time which I only do sometimes when something important is happening. He often complains that he feels bad and has anxiety on a weekly basis, and I really think that is because he is doing nothing satisfying with his life yet he continues to say that this is his ideal life, having all the free time he wants mostly inside alone. He has only recently started to think that maybe he should start doing more of the house work than me, and if I ever say that he should he gets upset.
We have considered having a family, getting engaged and I have therefore thought that maybe he should be the stay at home dad anyways, however I am worried that his lack of overall life ambition is not a good sign. Also he has said that if we ever have a child then we can never separate until then kid is 18, which I feel that if two people are unhappy together then it is better they do not stay together. Lastly he has had a very bad alcohol habit, last year it was at its peak and he gained about 40 pounds but he has gotten healthier here the past 6 months. I do not ask much from him, but when I do ask him to do something, like to complete an open task like replacing the debit card he lost he just will not do it. And things like this happen continuously he just will not do what I ask him and overall seems to procrastinate over the most simple life tasks.
Things that I do/have loved about him are that he is intelligent and knowledgeable, he is emotionally intelligent, he has helped me develop a lot as a person and professionally throughout our relationship, he is an amazing cook, we are sexually compatible, he is very good at planning and preparing specific things, he is loyal, he is the funniest person I know, we have the most fun together.
I am by no means great or perfectly mentally stable, but I feel that during our relationship I have positively developed and I do not feel that he has done the same nor has any desire to do better. Is there a way to help him, fix this or would you end this\_
TLDR; when met boyfriend both planned to be ambitious in careers and live a financially comfortable life but since he stopped his studies he has no interest in ever working, can this be fixed or should I end it before too late?
30 comments
You have far outgrown him. Just end it and find someone who wants to share your journey not impede it.
Yea… I’d move on OP you will grow to resent him in the future, I hope you have separate finances. Find a guy whose going somewhere and can match your energy other wise they will only slow you down.
Don’t throw good years after bad. You really sound like you are done with this relationship – if the options are get engaged or break up then I think you should break up.
Why would you tie yourself to someone with no ambition??
Do you think getting engaged will make him change???
Seriously????
You’ve been acting like a protective mother for him and he’s decided he’s not going to grow up, but keep doing studenty things (except the useful studying).
He’s stuck in Groundhog Day and he ain’t moving. It sounds like you’ve had enough. It seems the solution is pretty obvious.
I don’t believe everyone needs to be ambitious or even have professional “passions” — but I do think people need to do *something* to contribute to a partnership. This type of person’s attitude would be a deal breaker for me and it sounds like it’s that way for you too.
It sounds like you have different priorities. I don’t believe either of you is wrong, just not compatible anymore.
Sounds like even if he becomes a stay at home dad to raise your kids that you’ll end up doing most of the work for that too.
He says his decision is based on not seeing the point if housing prices are too expensive. You should find out whether it becomes important to him because it is the future you want.
It’s not necessarily the house, it’s the future you want and whether there’s alignment.
If you have to ask internet strangers if you should marry someone, the answer is “no.”
He’s thirty four. If he hasn’t gotten his shit together by now what makes you think he’s going to do it in the future?
You two want far different things for life. At 32, it’s time to move on. If long term companionship is one of your goals, you need to no longer give any more of your best years to a relationship you now know is a dead end.
He sounds like a good, happy man. Not everyone has to be ambitious. It’s okay to be comfortable.
Honey, he isn’t the life mate you want! He doesn’t ever finish anything and is 34. He still hasn’t decided how to be a grownup.
Time to throw in the towel on this relationship!
You are tolerating this. Do not marry him and certainly do not have children with him. His goals and future don’t align with yours.
I’d end it.
He wouldn’t be a good stay-at-home dad since he won’t take care of the house now, nor would he complete tasks. All of this is changed without you being talked about. As a result, you are now working for 2. Adding a child will only add more problems into the equation.
From reading your post, you’ve just about checked out the relationship. If you’re looking for someone to give you permission to break it, you got mine.
I’m always astounded when people stay with others who show behaviour they do not seek in a partner.
“Can this be fixed”
Hell no. I’ve been here. You can’t make a grown man do anything. He has to want it for himself and clearly he doesn’t.
You will always resent this man. Eventually if you don’t already. It’s miserable way to live.
It’s ok to love him from a distance. Love is not enough especially in this economy.
Time to leave. He’s not going to look after the kids, he can’t even look after himself.
I’m sorry to say but within the next couple of years, if you marry him or stay with him. You will be looking after your partner and he will be dependent on you.
His lifestyle currently is often (not always) a catalyst for a depression like cycle. The more he does “nothing” the more of “nothing” he wants to do. This can eventually become complete depression. This is the reason he procrastinates and doesn’t want to do simple chores or gets upset when you ask him to do more around the house.
Unless he has a major change in behavior, I would end this relationship and find someone who is more compatible with your aspirations.
How many stories just like this have been posted in the last year? Way too many to count. Where are women finding these losers?
I find ambition an attractive quality. I wouldn’t want somebody who wants to do nothing with their life.
You’re wasting the best years of your life with a flower that doesn’t want to bloom.
I’d break up. Alcohol and lack of ambition are huge issues that don’t go away and are a huge burden on the other partner
>When met boyfriend both planned to be ambitious in careers and live a financially comfortable life but since he stopped his studies he has no interest in ever working, can this be fixed or should I end it before too late?
>Lastly he has had a very bad alcohol habit, last year it was at its peak and he gained about 40 pounds but he has gotten healthier here the past 6 months. I do not ask much from him, but when I do ask him to do something, like to complete an open task like replacing the debit card he lost he just will not do it. And things like this happen continuously he just will not do what I ask him and **overall seems to procrastinate over the most simple life tasks**.
Congratulations, you’re dating a toddler with limited executive function.
This sounds very unromantic and if you want to break up, please do so.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone ambitious. And there’s everything wrong with staying with a guy who needs to be mothered.
You run before he “accidentally” gets you pregnant.
My best friend was in a relationship like this for years. Her ex came from money, didn’t work. He finished school but wasn’t doing anything with the degree. Played video games all day wouldn’t do the little things like order a new debit card. She broke up with him and got back together with her ex from high school and they’re now married. Shortly into their relationship something happened with her car and the next day the new guy took it in to be repaired and it was like a switch was flipped. “It’s so nice being with someone who’s not a loser”. The old guy had a lot of good qualities, he was funny and they enjoyed each others company, but he wasn’t reliable and made her life more difficult
Don’t waste your time on someone who you aren’t compatible with. He’s going to drag you down with him.
All the signs point towards a relationship that has already run its course. It would not be smart to invest more of your time and energy into a man you will have to prob up in hopes of him maybe fitting your ideal future.
You are too young to carry his weight. The little things like badgering him to replace his card will add up over time. If you choose to have kids with him then be aware that you will probably have to carry all the mental load of raising children AND managing him while still being the primary breadwinner.
You sound like you have a great future ahead of you. Focus on yourself and your career, hobbies, traveling, building your life. Give yourself the chance to meet that person who will contribute in a meaningful way to your life and not add additional weight.
I understand that you might feel like the clock is ticking in regards to biological children but do think about your options and the consequences of starting a family with the wrong person.
You met when you were basically still kids and now you are adults who clearly have different ideas about life. Changing like that is normal.
On the stockmarket the clever people invest is companies that are winning. You can gamble on a company that is in a down turn but the risk of loosing it all is that much greater.
You outgrew him. Simple as that. Time to go.