I don’t want to make a big deal about this but I’m sorta left feeling a little self conscious since last night. I really need to ask men about this situation since I feel like my husband (29 M) isn’t being truthful. I also don’t know if this is more common but my husband last night initiated intimacy. While we were in foreplay my husband could not get erect. I tried everything I could and within 10 min I knew something was wrong cause he normally doesn’t take a while to “wake up”. When I asked him, he said he was tired and then he had a lot on his mind. It didn’t make much sense to me because he initiated. I get people change their minds but now I’m wondering if I did something wrong that turned him off. I tried asking him but he tries to lovingly assure me he still attractive to me. He also went off about how worried he was about some situation at work that is completely not his fault and makes absolutely zero sense why he is so worried. I feel like he is bullshitting me. He also said that these sort of things just happen.
I don’t know- I need advice and assurance I’m not losing my mind and my guy to ED so early on in our lives.
Update- thanks everyone for your comments and opinions. There’s obviously some things I need to work on my own insecurities. I’m getting a lot of people leaving me unwanted messages that are pretty inappropriate. I’m not looking to hook up with anyone. I just want advice so please stop flooding my inbox flirting with me or asking me to “play”. That’s not the intention of this post. I am happily married and enjoy being exclusive.
15 comments
Stress can easily stop an erection, too much masturbation, too much porn, anxiety, diet. There are many factors.
Well, he initiated. So…he did not expect this. Which means that it rules out ANY explanation that contains an element of him seeing this coming.
And…what he is blaming kind of does sound like a plausible explanation. He’s got a lot on his plate. Something is a mess at work. It’s difficult to mentally leave heavy stuff at the desk when going home. The concerns and the worries stays with him in the car and at the dinner table. And in bed.
I think your best option here is to refuse to think of the lack of erection as an end. In fact, there are a lot of things you can do that will help him. Both mentally and physically.
Because, frankly, if you don’t want this to be as likely to happen again, you are going to have to ask yourself if you ruined something with the mental aspect of this by how you acted, reacted and questioned him. You may have some damage control to deal with here.
An erection is important to you, because it’s what makes sex happen. What do you think it is FOR HIM? He has been living his entire life fully capable of getting it up, and has never had to put any kind of thought into how it happened. This concerns him too. And on a much deeper level than it concerns you, and that’s a fact.
Slow down a bit here. Ask yourself what your game plan is the next time it happens.
(of course. hope it DOESN’T happen again. But what if it does?)
You can totally, you know, encourage an erection with your hands or your mouth. And if you two are not relying on condoms for birth control, you have even more options here that can lure an erection out of him. Just takes a bit more effort.
Everyone with a penis has lost an erection and had pressure put on them to get it up again.
Guess what’s the worst thing to do in that situation? Take a wild guess.
It happens. He probably did have a lot on his mind, and thought being intimate with you would clear his head and make him feel much better. But sometimes whatever is on your mind just doesn’t get out, and that distraction can certainly have an effect on getting an erection. This would certainly have nothing to do with you, as he was looking to you as his safe place, a place to go to get out of his own head. If this is infrequent, I would not worry about it one bit. It happens, and as much as he may want to become erect and be intimate with you it just won’t happen, and in fact, his erection not working the way he wants or expects can also start to be a totally separate issue weighing on him at that moment as well.
OK I don’t mean to sound sarcastic, I am just trying to illustrate the issue here, there is no offense intended. From your post – your OWN words:
1. He couldn’t get hard – ONE TIME
2. You asked him if everything was OK and he gave you two things that were on his mind right now, which were entirely on him, with nothing to do with you.
But even with this explanation, you do not believe him and are looking for ways it might be your fault. You even use the word “bulshitting”. That’s quite an aggressive way to put it so I have to ask – WHY do you not believe him? If he’s given you reason not to trust him in the past then THAT needs to be addressed right now as it’s not good to not trust your partner.
If, however, he has never given you reason not to trust him, why are you choosing not to? I can completely understand that in a situation you basically have no control over – i.e. another person’s body and psyche, it can be scary to have absolutely NO control over the situation, but this is the case here – you are trying to make this about you in an effort to maintain some form of control and influence over the situation, which is understandable, but NOT helpful to either of you.
Ask yourself – have you honestly, NEVER, EVER, in your ENTIRE life had even ONE time when you were horny, initiated sex but then found that things just weren’t going to happen and so called it off? If you can genuinely say you have never had this happen, you are one of a VERY small minority, let me tell you.
Basically that is my advice here – address the reason you don’t believe him; if it’s to do with him you need to sort this through with him; tell him why you don’t believe him so he can work on regaining your trust; if it’s nothing he’s done then stop trying to make this about you – HE is stressed, HE is consumed with a lot on his mind so…be a safe place for him to air his stresses and talk about what is worrying him.
Great advice and no offense taken. Appreciate you being blunt and getting to the heart of the issue. Thank you.
30 male here, and it happens to me from time to time, and always when I initiate.
It’s almost always stress related, and sometimes it’s just seemingly random. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it’s frustrating and I get all worried about it, then it doesn’t happen for 8 more months.
I’d only be concerned if it becomes frequent.
It has happened to me, one night, and longterm. With your husband, there could be subtle orthopedic problems. Certain medications. Also, please be assured that a limp dick night can happen to even the youngest males. I keep getting surprised at how fragile the self image of some people is, after one bad bf or one bad night.
I started having this problem chronically in my early 30s. Before then, I could have 3 orgasms in half an hour (although I hardly ever made more than one). I had perfect erections that I could control by willpower. There were two long relationships where we had sex every day, although our only positions were cunnilingus and missionary.
The latest longterm relationship broke up. Just six months later, I got a new gf. I couldn’t stay hard, and her pussy would get too loose. Before then, no pussy ever felt too loose (and, I’m not thick, just ordinary). The only thing that worked for me was me licking the new gf to orgasm, because that would make her vagina shrink. I would reach orgasm — while still struggling to stay firm enough.
What went wrong? I still don’t know. Was it 10 years of bicycling 50 to 70 miles a week, the pressure on my crotch and I’m real skinny? Or, was my sway back causing pinching of the spinal cord? Or was my leg length difference pinching my spinal cord? One leg is a little shorter than the other, which absolutely does cause pinching of the spinal cord. Was it a delayed and cumulative damage where a car crash 10 years earlier put a permanent, slight jog in my spine?
Years later, I went totally limp and lost sensation for two months. Meanwhile, I changed my walk in order to compensate for the short leg. After two months, I awoke with a full erection and achieved orgasm.
Isolated limp dick nights. As a freshman in college, I heard from a fellow freshman it happened to him. It happened to me at age 23. I had a hard time getting dates. This one woman my age accepted when I asked her out! I was over the moon, that didn’t happen to me! I’d been wanting her for months. And she went home with me! And then I couldn’t get it up. My worst first date ever.
Another possibility is your husband recently started taking medications that cause this problem. One of them is valium.
Not getting hard is the worst. Most guys will go through it at some point. It’s definitely happened to me after I’ve initiated too. It happened when I was younger too after too many drinks.
And once it’s in your head, it’s so hard to not let it effect you. Fortunately, my wife has always been very supportive. I beat myself up way more than she ever could have. Also reassured her it’s definitely not attraction to her. It’s a big mindfuck.
48 male, never had a problem in my entire life, used to have the refractory period of a 16-year-old then one day about six months ago. Nothing happened where it needed to happen and the only thing going on was stress over a recent health diagnosis.
once I started to change things, the problem went away and now I’m back to normal though slightly altered due to age, lol. Yeah, I agree stress can be a major factor in a man’s abilities, especially beyond a certain age.
Literally every man has lost their erection or not been able to get it up. You get into a negative feedback loop in your head, why can’t I get hard? Which makes it even tougher.
The absolute WORST thing in the world is if your partner makes a big deal about it or takes it personally. Because now, you feel even worse about it. And then, the next time you try to have sex, that failure looms heavy in your mind, which can absolutely give you problems with the erection even then.
He may have initiated sex thinking it would take his mind off of a stressful situation..sometimes that just doesn’t work… stress will cause testosterone levels to drop and make it much harder to get/maintain an erection
Stress makes me horny and having a lot on my mind makes it difficult to focus to get and maintain an erection. It’s a terrible combination to have. And then the pressure to perform compounds on top of that.
Its frustrating when you all want to do is rail your wife into her pillow and you can’t get it up because all you can think about is formatting TPS reports.
He’s being honest. One of the cruel jokes of being a man is that often our desire for sex/intimacy is driven higher by stress, but stress can also cause performance issues at the same time. Your husband wanted the stress relief of sex with you so he initiated but his body gave him a big middle finger. Don’t take it personally, this is just the irony of penis ownership sometimes.
IMO best thing to do in this situation would be to be as intimate and caring with him as you can minus the sex. Scratch his head/back while he lays on your lap or boobs, rub his shoulders or feet, cuddle the shit out of him. These things would take the edge off for me. Then maybe the sex would work a little later
Me: I’m tired and stressed out. Perhaps some sexy times with my partner, who I love dearly and adore seeing naked, will help me relax.
My 50 Year Old Dick: LOL i dont think so dumbass
Oh, yeah. Definitely a thing that happens.