Today I’ve been feeling awful, and every negative social experience of rejection and dismissal has resurfaced.
This never happens to anyone else, they can just be themselves and people will want them around, they’ll be accepted, and they can be vulnerable. They can make mistakes and not have people give up on them.
My whole life, I’ve been fighting to prove that I’m not worthless. It’s so painful to never be good enough. I had to work so hard just to be treated like everyone else. It was like the whole world, with the exception of a few people were constantly looking for reasons to give up on me and get rid of me.
No one has ever been honest about what’s actually wrong with me, it’s like they just see me, feel hatred and disgust, and then just do everything in their power to make me go away.
Most of this happened when I was young, although in adulthood there isn’t as much bullying, I’m still extremely invisible. I was invisible when I was young too, but I didn’t understand that meant I was unwanted, and approaching these people anyway pissed them off.
I can’t just “find my own people” since this will happen with 90% of people. I’m not like you guys, I’m not good enough to just find acceptance with someone else. If it isn’t easy during college, like it apparently is for everyone else, then something is wrong with me.
Why me? Why did I deserve this?
2 comments
After a quick scroll through your post history your probably have some internal problems that you are projecting outwards into your life. It is possible to change your thought patterns and the way you think about yourself
It might not be obvious to you, because people generally don’t broadcast these experiences to the world, but unfortunately many, many people face challenges being accepted for who they are, being vulnerable, and putting themselves out there. While it sucks, it is not unique to you at all. The reasons for these experiences are all over the place (to name a few: trauma, autism, anxiety, values/interests very different from their surrounding community, the people around them are just dicks), but know that you are not the only person with these experiences, so you should probably revisit any conclusions you’ve made about yourself as a result of believing that it’s unique to you. Also, it would be worthwhile to talk to a mental health professional of some kind if you haven’t already, they can help you a lot more precisely and effectively than people in this sub.
Edit: Reading your post history, it sounds like your parents did not at all treat you well. That can profoundly shape how you view yourself and how you view other people as well as how you respond to the challenges in your life. Do some reading on childhood emotional development and the impact of trauma on that development. I think that might be a useful tool for you in understanding why you feel the way you do. This would also be worthwhile to work on directly with a therapist, though it takes a lot of work to revisit the things that shape us as deeply as our childhood development.