My husband has been cheating on me since Mar 2022 with a coworker. It seems as if it started as an emotional affair and then turned physical mid last year. This past week he was on a business trip. For the past few months, I’ve sensed something is wrong but he has been denying it the whole time. I’ve brushed it off because he’s been a wonderful father to our kids and home every night. When he’s home, he’s always present and never really seems to be on his phone. Still, I felt like deep down, he has hiding something. My friend has suggested I put a VAR in his car as I knew he would be driving to the trip with his coworker, who I suspected was his AP. He’s oddly protective of her and she really is a beautiful girl. On the ride to and from, she gave him a BJ both times and he fingered her while he was driving and then at the actual hotel, they had sex. When he came back, I confronted him immediately and he denied it. I showed him proof and he told me that him and his coworker had been hooking up for the past few months but it was not an affair because they don’t love each other and he’s never kissed her. According to him, the kissing part is important because it means to him that it was just sex and nothing more. I know this whole thing is ridiculously wrong and I should leave him immediately but I have three little kids and I guess I’m clinging on to anything to keep my family together. It pisses me off that they hooked up 3 times in a 24 hour period and that he would risk his life to get a BJ while driving but I can’t help but feel like he has a point about the kissing. Am I going insane here?
28 comments
There’s affairs and then theres this. This is extreme behavior. Please please leave.
He is cheating and not remorseful . At least talk to a lawyer to see what your options are. Consider MC as well. Good luck to you
You are clutching at straws to rationale accepting his horrendous behaviour
It is 100% cheating and having an affair.
I understand having small children but honestly why would he change if you accept that bull sh×t excuse.
Like it makes it any better.
Why do you think it is OK for him to treat you that way? He has lied to you and betrayed you in a horrendous way.
Why would he bother changing his behaviour if there is zero consequences for him? He gets to keep his naive wife at home to look after his kids and sex with his mistress when ever he wants. They work together once that line has been crossed it can’t undone.
Go over to the adultery board and read that & the otherwoman one. Read of all the gas lighting/lying that is done to keep the wife & kids at home so the MM doesn’t lose access to kids. Not his wife. Then ask yourself is that what you want for yourself.
That’s kind of worse. He was willing to throw his marriage away for “just sex” with someone he didn’t care about.
He is happily risking his family and his employment. This is an affair +++. Then he lied to your face, and is not apologetic. Yes, this is what divorces are made for. He can still be a great father without being your crappy husband.
You’ve been gaslit. Please leave this moron.
He’s fucking this girl. Why does the kissing matter? And why do you even believe that? I’m sure they kiss
He says they didn’t kiss…. If you can believe that from a man who has been unfaithful for a year.
Do not believe this! He is a liar and a cheater. This excuse is disgusting. You are heartbroken and hanging in to hope that you can save this marriage. If you fall for this, he will cheat on you all the time and you’ll accept it because “it’s just sex”. You said yourself that he is “protective” over her. Why do you think that is? Because he has FEELINGS for her. She is his girlfriend. His work wife! He has the stability, security, and comforts of you at home, and all the fantasy and sexual desire/adventure with her sneaking behind your back. Have some self respect. You are worth more than this! Don’t let him make you feel otherwise! I bet he wouldn’t be okay with you “just having sex” with another man!
Tell him to leave to give you space. I think you can think clearer without him hovering over you. Ask yourself if you’d want this for your own daughters or sister or friend. I’m sure your answer is no. And trust me, your daughters would not want you to stay in a miserable marriage for their sake. They will learn what a marriage/relationship is through you and your husband. That is what they will gravitate to in their own lives. Don’t let them grow up thinking this is the norm.
So is the not kissing the hooker exception? Just a bit puzzled.
Tell his employer and divorce that scumbag. It’s cheating point blank period and he’s gaslighting the shit out of you.
Talk to a lawyer. You AND your kids deserve better!
It’s really unbelievable that people committing adultery claim that it’s not really an affair because they “don’t kiss”.
If your hurting your spouse and breaking their heart, then it’s an affair. Whether that be sexual or emotional.
Sending hugs 💜 Hope you find guidance through this horrible time Op. Please keep us updated.
They kiss LMAO!!! He said that bc they didn’t kiss in the car on the way there or back so he made a whole story up around that one time.
What the F did I just read OP? Have you actually been brainwashed?
That is the dumbest excuse in the world and you’re grasping for straws to “save” your marriage when it’s clearly already over. YOU WATCHED HIM FINGER SOMEONE WHO ISN’T YOU & RECEIVE ORAL. Sorry that’s harsh but yes, you’re clearly losing your mind if you’re starting to agree with him that because, “there’s no kissing it isn’t cheating.” Let’s see if you feel that way when he gives you an STD or leaves you officially.
You have 3 little kids so I say they deserve better . You know what to do. Hes a cheater.
Do you honestly believe they never kissed? An emotional affair denotes strong feelings. Then it turned physical. I find it odd that he’s pushing this idea of loyalty to you based on this line-it’s a flagrant lie, btw.
True reconciliation won’t happen until all contact is cut-including finding a new job for him-and the last lie is told. r/AsOneAfterInfidelity for more helpful advice on this.
Personally, I would think that he’s developed this relationship for months, so feelings were shared by both. In your shoes I would make appointments with an attorney and a therapist ASAP.
not sure why you’d believe someone who has been lying to you for the past year. you and your kids deserve better. leave his ass
Lol – no, as intimate has kissing is sticking your penis into someone’s vagina is still more intimate.
Read this: https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868
He doesn’t come close to meeting that one way the article outlines.
He has to completely accept that he is a cheater who has betrayed his spouse and children. He needs to be willing to tell his family this.
He needs to go no contact with his AP right now. That means he needs to quit his job.
He needs an sti test.
He needs to completely disclose everything. Absolutely no surprises for the future.
He must take complete responsibility for his actions. His choices. Not your fault.
He must show through his consistent actions over years that he can be trusted.
Get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and let him see what a garden variety, common, low, affair he had. This book will outline the boundaries he will need in his life.
Go get more advice in the reconciliation subreddit, r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. Choose a user flair to post there.
Yikes.
Go and speak to several divorce attorneys asap. Pick one and give them all the evidence of his cheating. If his AP has a partner let them know about their affair. He is having sex with her, getting blow jobs and he most definitely is kissing her. Hell kissing her is the least of your worries. This man doesn’t care that you have found out about his affair. As you have said he has risked his life by receiving a bj whilst he was driving. Have him served divorce papers.
He doesn’t have a point.
You can love someone or habe sex without kissing. That doesn’t mean it isnt an affair.
Why does it matter if it was just sex? If anything, that’s actually worse to me- he’s risking his life during driving, risking giving you STIs, risking his marriage and family and for what? A lousy blow job with some chick he doesn’t even like? !? What a shitty move. At least if he loved her it would be worth the risk.
How is that better than having feelings for her? It isn’t. He is treating your love and your feelings and your family with contempt and them lying and making excuses.
Uhhhh, idk about you but I’d be much more upset about them having sex than if they kissed
Yuck
What is this Pretty Woman? NO. Cheating is CHEATING. His penis was in her mouth and they have literally had sex behind your back. Leave. You deserve better. He will just keep cheating on you if you stay.
He is gaslighting you
Let me save you time… As certain as the grass is green and the sky is blue, they kissed.
He will do it again with her or someone else. He fully believes he’s going to get away with this. With your attitude, I’m guessing he will.
I am by no means suggesting follow through on this, but just ask him this.
So how many men can I give blowjobs to and have sex with to make up for it since it’s just sex. Is (pick whoever will upset him the most) available because I have always wanted to see if he is good on bed.
Just watch his reaction and remind him those were his supposed rules for saying he wasn’t cheating.