I won’t have this up for too long.
**TLDR: I feel guilt tripped by my partner and I don’t know how to efficiently tell him or offer good solutions to help**
We have been together for 3 years, and we have sex 3-4 times a week. My goal is to improve and move past this, not to break up.
My partner (21M) wanted to deliver food earlier tonight, and I (21F) asked if they wanted to share a milkshake from a certain place. At the time we were both high on edibles, but we both remember the conversation. Boyfriend agrees and says “We can get a milkshake if I can give you head (oral sex)”. I just wasn’t in the mood for any sexual activity and just wanted to chill so I said “No thanks”
He groans: “Who says no to head? That’s crazy to me. ”
I ask: “Why does it have to be a this or that situation? Doesn’t feel weird that I have to let you give me oral or I can’t get a milkshake? ”
He goes: “In your shoes yes. But for me personally that sounds like a good deal to me. Head and a shake? Mm.”
I then brings up other times that I have felt guilted such as:
1) He shows more frustration and has little patience for things after rejection (Ex: He could be fine for the whole day but once I say no it seems like they are getting mad at video games faster than usual)
2) He mopes or gets upset, basically becomes a debbie downer and refuses to say why because “you’ll get upset” (spoiler alert: he’s upset because I didn’t want to have sex)
3) He treats me like I’m from out of this world for not wanting oral sex sometimes, (ex: wow who says no to head? I have never met someone who does this or that, blah blah blah)
He then goes on to tell me how his anger doesn’t correlate with rejection, and I replied by asking him: “How it could be a coincidence when every time I say no, you seem to have a shorter temper.” (I should mention that he has never raised his voice at me or took out his anger on me)
After this he didn’t respond, and I dropped it. After taking me home he asked if I was upset, and I told him: “I’m not happy about it but I’m not starting a fight or anything.”
Then we exchanged I love you’s and goodnights.
In all these scenarios I feel like the only solution is for me to just say yes. Now, I DO NOT want to break up over this. Every relationship takes work, I’m in no way perfect either and he has helped me with my own flaws too. Anyway, I want to know how we can have a productive conversation about this?
7 comments
Do not say yes when you don’t want to just to make him happy. That is absolutely a horrible idea. You are not doing anything wrong and he really needs to grow up. You can approach the conversation like this,
“I really enjoy our sex life and when we are intimate, but I really need you to start working on being okay when I am not in the mood. Right now it feels like you get frustrated and then get angry or shutdown. I am just telling you how it feels to me. When I see this it makes me feel less comfortable about us. I want us both to be able to be honest and say no when we aren’t feeling up to it”
It’s important to set boundaries and communicate them clearly. If he continues to guilt trip you, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.
This is a tricky situation for you to be the one trying to fix it, because he is the one who really has to make the change. You can communicate about your boundaries and what you need from him, which you have already done. You need him to stop the behaviours you listed in your 1-3 bullet points.
Now, he needs to actually care about meeting your needs, and then make the behavioural change to stop guilt tripping or getting mad when you don’t want to have sex. He needs to grow up and acknowledge that his negative reactions are impacting the relationship in a bad way, and hold himself accountable to take the rejection and move past it like a grown up. That will require some introspection and maturation from him, and there’s not a lot you can do beyond the communication you’re already doing. Don’t say yes just to get him to be nice to you. That is a shitty position for him to put you in.
You are right that every relationship takes work. But at this point it takes *him* actually doing the work in order to make progress on this. If he’s not willing to take accountability for his behaviour and make a change, then this is probably not somebody to build a life with.
Why is this on you to fix and not on him to stop being a shitass?
Honestly, this guy needs to grow up and knock off the mental games. You want an adult relationship, and you set what that means to you. You determine the behavior you are going to tolerate. And if he continually crosses those boundaries, you walk. Speak clearly and unemotionally, but be resolute.
This is absolutely something you two could improve and work through, under two conditions: He admits the problem exists and he is willing to put in the work to fix it.
Since the problem is entirely him behaving poorly and needing to learn better emotional regulation, except for the bit where he doesn’t respect you and he needs to acknowledge that people vary and that you are different from him and that that is fine – and none of that is anything you can do. He needs to be willing to do it. So, you can talk to him about it, and you can see if he is willing to acknowledge and fix these problems. If he is, then it’s time to talk about ways to improve emotional regulation. But it seems you’re missing those early steps. And you can’t make him admit there is a problem. And you can’t make him want to fix it.
Did you get the milkshake At least 🙄
But everyone loves differently, & both of u guys have to be understanding, both listen, and hopefully come to a solution. I know it’s going ti sound cliche, but you guys are young. Both still have to figure out what you guys like, what you guys don’t, & what y’all can compromise on.
If he doesn’t respect you, or your wishes another man will 🤧