So I 30F married my husband 35M a little less than a year ago. I am incredibly frustrated and feeling like I made a bad decision getting married despite the love I have for him. My husband has a 10M son who lives with us as well, his mother is not involved, and I have been plopped into the mother role. Although I expected this going in, I am not complaining about this in particular. Prior to moving in together, we discussed finances. My husband and stepson moved into my home that I purchased a few years ago. It was discussed prior to move in that the bills would be split. They have not. I have paid every single bill since they moved in. I feel like I have taken in two children to take care of, and that I live to be their maid and chef. Husband works nights, it is left to me Monday -Thursday night to get stepson from school, do homework, get ready for bed… then in the morning to get him up and fed and off to school. I have become very spiteful and bitter about the situation. I have stopped buying snacks and extra things for around the house that husband and stepson like because why should I spend my funds on this when my husband does not contribute. It is literally the only way I can get my husband to buy any groceries. I have to quit buying junk food. I work a full time job, in a high stress environment at the hospital. I feel like I’m burning my candle at both ends, and like I will lose it soon. I know this is rambling but I am frustrated. Every time I try to talk to my husband about helping with bills he states that he is in credit card debt and can’t afford to help with bills…. Literally not what we discussed before marriage and moving in. My husband also works in the healthcare field and makes decent money. I have no idea what to do. When I bring the subject up I get shut down before I even make my point…..
35 comments
Yeah…he’s 35 and still managing massive debt and doesn’t know how to take care of himself? Chalk this up to a life lesson and cut your losses before you’re too far in and its too complicated to separate.
It’s usually a good idea to really know someone before committing to marriage. Highly recommend dating for around a year and also living together for a while before committing. You don’t really 100 percent get to know someone until you’ve lived together and see all their habits.
I would end this now, honestly, when you can still get out of the marriage without risking losing any of your money or your house. It sounds like he has no problem using you for your money and your time without giving anything in return, don’t think he won’t try to take a percentage of the house after a few years of marriage and claiming he helped you with home improvements.
Also, just to add. He has purchased a new vehicle since they moved in! Granted he traded his other in and got some money back on it but still. Created more debt. Also, he and his son were surviving prior to living with me. I feel like I made his life a lot easier, eliminating childcare and bills. Which is why I go back to the feeling of maid, nanny, and chef. Sorry for the rambling and ranting
It is up to you to absolutely put your foot all the way down. If he has credit card debt that is something that should have THOROUGHLY been addressed prior to marriage. It is NOT and NEVER WILL BE an excuse to not contribute. Especially since many people with credit card debt accumulate it through irresponsible spending which is ANOTHER issue addressed prior to walking the isle. I’m not saying your husband is a bad man. He likely does not know how to fix this issue that is very common. You seem to be financially adept. Work out his finances with him and create a budget that works for the two of you. With absolute and complete transparency. This can not go on. It will either lead to the end of your marriage, or to you being deflated, used, and broken.
Yeah, you gotta end it. The longer you leave it the more of your assets he will leave with. Not to mention his debt has the possibility to become “shared” debt.
He broke the deal, you literally will not be able to keep this up. Isn’t it better to choose to end it whole you’re still healthy enough to recover? The alternative is to stay in the marriage until you’re depleted emotionally, financially and physically. He’s had you raise his kids and pay his bills, he gets half your shit and he paid down his debt and fixed his credit.
He’s got every reason to continue this marriage until you’re all used up.
Better talk to a lawyer because he may have some claim to your house.
Divorce him. He wanted a sugar mama, not a wife.
This sounds like a long con in my opinion. Your husband has found a way to live rent and bill free!! With a maid, chef, assistant and mother figure to boot!! How on earth did this happen!?? He had this debt before marriage so why is it now an excuse? Where you naive? Or did he genuinely scam you?
He played you and is now completely using you. If he was able to pay his own bills when he lived alone and now can’t he is absolutely using you. Get out of this before it is to late. He wanted someone to pay his bills and raise his kid he played the long game. I am sorry it turned out like this you didn’t deserve it but his mask is now off. Please see him for who he truly is and move on.
He like financially catfished you. Protect your assets and get out of his mess! You’re a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a manchild!
So before leaving, I would give him an ultimatum. I don’t think he believes that you would leave. Tell him what you want, maybe with marriage counseling thrown in as well or you will leave qith in 3 weeks.
End it.
You have a grifter not a husband.
Run. This will not end well for you.
I’m the dad in this position. Also work overnight. Mother is involved but only on surface issues, offloading her onto my wife and I (although we enjoy having her, and have kept her full-time over extensive periods). My wife and I both split everything, but my wife can feel put in the resented stepmom category. The other key difference I see here is that you have to get up to send his kid to school, clean up after him, cook his meals and feel like your husband’s babysitter as well.
This is on your husband, full stop. My wife never has to wake up any earlier than her own day requires her to. Whether that’s 6 am or noon, she has no legal obligation to my kid in the same way that I do since her name is rarely listed anywhere on paperwork other than under emergency contact.
I come home from a 12 hour shift, I’ll get the kid up, make everything for her breakfast and lunch, clean up whatever they miss. When they go to school, I get to sleep for the duration of their school day. I did have to ask my wife in the beginning to maybe mind her generally in the beginning, but have trained her to be more self-sufficient over the years so there’d never be any imposition of sacrifice on my wife’s part. Having a kid from someone else in your home is already awkward at best for childless people.
I let my partner determine how much to involve herself so that outside of what’s necessary, she and my daughter can forge a relationship that didn’t come out of being forced together. What your husband is doing is assuming you’re a replacement for the mother that was lost for one reason or another. The kid is another factor—that maternal absentia is probably nothing but a bundle of self-esteem issues. Worse, he sees the main example of a woman in his life growing resentful of her situation, and thinking he is the cause of it rather than the relationship in general.
The finances are another problem, and one that requires him to reassess what he is spending money on. There were times my highly educated spouse was the bigger breadwinner, but my half was always paid at my insistence. When she couldn’t find the work in her field, she left her highly stressful job to recalibrate life a bit, which meant I would be picking up the slack. No problem. Marriage is give and take.
The problem here is, you don’t seem to have gotten a good deal, at least until he does some introspection, and realizes alternate childcare is much more expensive than pulling his weight.
You’re married to a child who happens to be 35 and also a father…
You didn’t mention which state you live in, but if you want to minimize the potential amount of alimony you’d have to pay him after divorce, please file for legal separation ASAP while you decide whether or not to fully go through with it
(I mentioned this in a reply to a comment below but just want to make sure it gets seen!)
Before it turns into years of regret and hate, end it. The longer you wait, the more you lose.
Join the stepparent forum
You don’t even have to get a divorce. Try an just get the marriage annulled. Dude totally blindsided you. That is a man-child looking for a mom, not a wife.
He is not a man men pay bills period unless circumstances do not allow for it like losing a job or illness, your husband is supposed to be a provider not a leach, you sadly need to force the issue and demand some money, if he needs to pay off credit cards he can get a 2nd job
This is why dating people with kids is a huge Nono.
How much debt does he have? That is something I would 100% be very concerned about
I understand fully.
Is it your “husband” or a guy and his stepson, without willingness to care and do his part?
Nullify and be happy. From character point of view, you are in it for a long, painful ride with your life, if you don’t make a good decision now.
Get an annulment or divorce — he married you under false pretenses. He’s a freeloader.
That’s really unfortunate that you’re in this position right now. I know as a husband, there were some issues that I didn’t understand how important they were until she brought up the D word to me. Clearly explain to him that finances are important to you, and that you feel stressed and left out, and betrayed by him not doing what he agreed to do. Have him bring all of his debt to the table to understand it so you’re on the same page. If he lied or withheld this debt from you, then you probably should investigate having a way to protect yourself just in case. Money is one of the most stressful things to deal with in a marriage, but it can be great if you both come to an agreement and he does better. Also make sure he’s getting his child support from the Mom. I’m sure any woman would say the same if the roles were reversed!
I would let them shut the electricity off for non payment. Tell him you can’t afford it, he would have to find some where to go if he didn’t pay to turn them back on. Look into getting an annulment in your state.
Hi Ho Hi Ho its out they door they go , things wont changed he duped you ,
Ask to make a budget including both of your debts?
Does that mean you have to stay? Absolutely not. But it may give you both some perspective and make you feel better about the decision if you do so and things don’t change.
Above all, advocate for you.
It sounds like he lied to you about a lot of stuff before marriage, and I’m curious what he did before living with you
Run away! Seriously though, there are major red flags here. I would say, first, finances need to be brought completely in the open and he needs to pay his share or show you exactly why he can’t. Second, he needs to hire a nanny for the son, at least part time, or he needs to step up and take care of his own kid half the time. That’s it. Those things need to happen or you need to get out before it really gets hard. I escaped my shitty marriage 16 years after I should have. Don’t be me.
Make him show it all to you with a plan within next two weeks or he’ll be leaving. You have to follow through.
And people with debt still manage to pay for some bills …
For the boy in his father’s mess, maybe you can get a special kid only snack area so he’s not going without through this.
Did you know about the debt?
It sounds like you are close to the end of being able to care, which is an awful situation. I would at least suggest therapy and a conversation about expectations and your non negotiable terms. That conversation has to be non-combative though. These conversations are easy to describe and talk about, but difficult to execute. It can be done, but both sides have to want to be there and both sides have to hold the other accountable.
Your feelings are valid…the question is whether you think he can change and you can last long enough for that to happen. It’s really a poor situation to feel like that. I hope the best for youZ
I’d cut and run unless he is willing to absolutely overhaul his finances with a financial coach. You guys would have to attack debt and budget *together*. If you do not want to do that with him or if he refuses, yes I’d leave. Ideally, Marriage is about being a team with money.
Firm believer all income should become pooled, and there’s no comparison to who makes more or less. You help support each others careers.
Money is among the top reasons for divorce, so however you guys decide to about it, you have to have a communicated and agreed plan in place.