My close friend has, in the past few years, been through a lot. He lost 3/4 of his grandparents while getting out of a drug addiction. He ended up pushing away pretty much everyone during the pandemic because of all the family stuff and his depression and adhd.
We’ve been close since High School and since we went to the same college and have been taking a few classes together, I’ve ended up sort of his only friend at the moment. He never puts any pressure on me about it or really even mentions it, but I definitely try to be there as much as I can for him.
Last November, he lost his mom and he kind of fell apart. Since then, especially because I graduated in the Fall and he still has one or two more quarters, I’ve basically been with him half the time im off work. He hasn’t said anything outright, but sometimes he does or says things where I worry he’s starting to see me more romantically.
To be honest, ive never been in a relationship and am aIso pretty mentally and emotionally fucked up in other ways. Im also just way too anxious to be dateable and I already worry so much that I could actually be hurting him rather than helping him this whole time. At the same time though, I feel like I can’t push him away right now at his lowest point, and I wouldn’t really want to either.
Is there a way to do both? Does any of this feel toxic? I’m honestly not sure what to do and would appreciate any advice!!
TL;DR My friend lost his mom recently and is at rock bottom, I want to be there for him as much as I can but I’m worried that he’ll get too attached emotionally
7 comments
Maybe try setting boundaries and make it clear that you’re just friends.
Just to clarify you do not have any romantic interest in this person?
Normally I’d say that you’d just need to set clear boundaries and let him know you see him only as a friend but… tbh it sounds like you might actually like him but are self sabotaging. To be fair I could be misinterpreting but it definitely seems like you are just blanket saying you’re undateable, not necessarily that you’re not interested in him. Total aside you should work on the anxiety because it’ll give you a lot of peace of mind (therapy can help).
you can spend less time with him. instead of half your free time, try 1/3 or even 1/4
but you’re still available by phone or text if he wants to talk to you that way.
also, mention things like the other people you’re seeing or dating so that he knows , you’re not spending all this time with him because he’s the one you are interested romantically in. it may hurt him but if he’s a friend, he won’t be bothered, and if he’s interested, he’ll let you know, and you can go from there.
It doesn’t feel toxic but if you a/ don’t want to date; b/ don’t want to date *him*, then don’t. Many people with anxiety and issues do date but it’s also quite good to sometimes take time to oneself to improve one’s life.
I’m not entirely sure what you’re seeking advice on. Being someone’s friend doesn’t obligate you to date them. Just because he may have caught feelings doesn’t mean you know what he’s thinking about those feelings. He could basically be thinking along the same lines as you and just occasionally can’t help that his attraction to you shows.
My advice is don’t “do” anything. Continue being his friend, continue supporting him in the ways you’re comfortably able to do so, and don’t borrow worry from the future. If and when he asks you about romantic interest, think about it then, because it’s just really not an issue until then.
You are saying how he might be starting to see you more romantically. However, it does not sound like there’s been any conversation around that. I don’t think it’s possible to lead someone on when there have been no real expectations set or conversations had. Additionally, he has not made any kind of move on you or at least made you feel uncomfortable in the way he might if he had unreciprocalated feelings.
I would say that stay supportive, don’t take on his mental health as your own burden. This means setting very clear boundaries and expectations or having a general idea of what your relationship is with this man. It is very easy to fall into your own holes when we are trying to support friends who are going through severe trauma. Stay his friend, just don’t turn into his therapist or girlfriend (especially if you are not interested in him)