I’ll preface this by saying that we are fairly sexually compatible. We rarely go more than a week without sex, I don’t know that we’ve ever gone more than 2 weeks without in the almost 10 years we’ve been together. I would like to have more, and from what it seems like, she would too, but something about the dynamic needs to shift.
What I’ve recently come to suspect is that often sex feels like my responsibility. I already do a lot in our household, make a lot of decisions, am asked how to handle things, fix, maintain, cook, clean, etc. I also have a job that has a lot of people coming to me to do work, figure out solutions, make decisions, etc. So when my wife says, “I want you to fuck me,” it kind of just feels like another thing that I now have to make decisions about and take ownership of, and it sucks the energy out of me, even if I previously had been wanting it myself.
I have recently been fantasizing about hotwifing/threesomes. I don’t think I could actually be down with it for real, but I think the root of it is that it would involve my wife having sexual desires of her own, independent of me, and that would take the pressure off. But as it stands right now it feels like I’m the only source and focus of pleasure for my wife. I don’t know that she ever masturbates.
I’m not even saying I want less sex. I want more. If she were to say, “I’m gonna go masturbate,” there’s about a 90% chance I would go join her, at least lay with her and hold her, but probably end up leading to sex. I want to be able to view her as her own sexual being that I GET to play around with instead of someone I need to sexually provide for.
I feel like I sound ungrateful, like I should be happy that I’m the primary/sole focus of her sexuality, but it feels like a weight. Is it reasonable to ask her to take some of that weight off and take some sexual responsibility for herself?
5 comments
Perfectly reasonable, just express what you have expressed here, worded more caring and carefully. It sounds like you are mentally fatigued and you’d appreciate her to take ownership of the decisions.
It’s not unreasonable, but she may need to be taught/shown how to do that, exactly.
One thing my partner does sometimes is ask me to put together a little playlist of porn clips for us to watch together before sex, which are meant to communicate something about how I’d like to be fucked. e.g. I might pick clips featuring cunnilingus and sex toys if that’s what I’m in the mood for, or blowjobs, or doggie-style sex, or whatever. This can be a helpful communication tool for someone who struggles to ask for what they want.
Not unreasonable whatsoever. I think your point about sex becoming another “task” for you is really spot on — she’s not taking (according to your narrative) a very active role in your shared sex life. It’s not unreasonable to expect her to be more active, initiate, express desires and kinks, etc.
It might simply be a matter of her not really realizing the burden she’s offloading into you. It might be a matter of her not really understanding how to communicate her desires, or simply being ashamed of them.
Whatever the cause, have the discussion in a comfortable, non sexual setting. Be sure to be supportive, nonjudgmental, and remember to bring up the things you do like about what you have — don’t make it all about the negatives.
I wish I had the perfect response for this, or the time to type out my best response, but no, this is not at ALL unreasonable. This was my relationship for years, until fairly recently.
Nope. That is your job –
if you don’t know what to do – ask her and learn.
Else, she will get it with someone else.