She’s downstairs working out the logistics of separating finances. I feel like we’re done as a couple if that really happens. She’s withdrawn half of the joint account.
So she got a sort of expensive new car a while ago. Salary sacrifices, ends up contributing a bit less after that to the shared account.
I earn a bit more and drive a much cheaper car. I put about $1,500 in for every $1,000 she does looking back at statements.
She’s very proud of what she’s accomplished in her career.
I, like a dickhead, say “our Car” when she says “my car”, as it niggles away at me that we both pay for it, me just indirectly. I want a nice car too but don’t have one.
That caused her to snap today. She clearly felt completely financially undermined. Calculated every expense (I spend more than her on other stuff), every deposit into our offset. Told me take $x, she will take $y, and we’ll split bills like house mates instead of a couple now.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to apologise, explain the place I’m coming from, appreciate how and why I’ve made her feel so belittled. It’s still raw (today). We’ve tried counselling but honestly it went really badly, I’m going to have trouble getting her back.
I love her intensely, don’t care that I contribute more financially (even if it made feel small when she said that didn’t), absolutely did not mean to cause all this.
I know I’ve been toxic, I am certain it didn’t come from a place of animosity but I can see how much pain it’s caused.
I think I mostly came here to vent but if anyone has any comments on how to start repairing this let it rip. I know I’ve been toxic as hell, don’t go easy on me either. I’m going to let her cool off then try to get into a couples counselling session so we can try to voice our pain better than a setting at home is enabling, but don’t like my odds.
27 comments
Did you put more into the joint account than she did? And she’s withdrawn half that you now won’t have access to? This relationship sounds over already, and you’re going to come out of it at a loss. You should be sorting these finances together
I’m a fan of his/hers/ours where shared expenses come out of “ours” and we each put in based on percent of total income.
That way, if my partner wants to buy a new to him vehicle, it doesn’t impact “us” or me. And if I want to buy a new saddle, same. We don’t even have to discuss such things. I make a lot more than he does so I pay in more to “ours” but I’m not on the hook for his credit card or car payment and he’s not on the hook for my student loans or my horses or dog. Works for us.
What’s the issue with separating the finances? There are couples who maintain separate bank accounts and are each responsible for certain bills. Joint finances didn’t work so try a new way to run your household.
This is when you sit down and have a real honest, raw conversation. Your comment of our car was a passive aggressive dig at her instead of just telling her the truth.
Do you continually bring this up in backhanded ways? Her reaction seems over the top for this the first time you’ve said something. Also do you make the same amount?
You keep saying “I don’t care about the finances”, but you keep making backhanded shitty little comments to her about finances, so yeah, we don’t believe you. Maybe it’s not about the finances and she’s sick of being with such a passive aggressive little snit.
I don’t understand.
Did she snap just because you said “our car”? Like, just because of this one instance?
Or is it just a pattern and there were other instances?
You’re kind of lying. You say that you don’t care that you contribute more financially. You say that you’re not coming from a place of animosity. But you say all that while calling her car “ours” because it “niggles” away at you. You also say that you, too, want a nice car. But you don’t have one.
I think your first step is to actually be honest with yourself. This bothers you, and that’s why you don’t let off on it. It’s okay that it bothers you, but if it does, you should be addressing it or at the very least learning how to accept it.
The way you behave about this makes your fiance feel like she’s mooching off of you or that you don’t feel she contributes enough. This is clearly upsetting for her.
You need to work this issue out, starting with being honest about it yourself.
Look….you’re right and wrong. The critical mistake was not having a defined agreement/understanding around finances in your relationship.
It’s obvious you feel like you commit more financially in the relationship. You don’t openly begrudge it…but you’re aware of it. It seems like when she buys a car and doesn’t at least acknowledge that you “participated” in the purchase by subsidizing her savings that it rubbed you the wrong way.
As a woman, it’s probably hard for her to earn the same amount as male peers. For her, buying a car “on her own” was probably a big accomplishment, and she felt like you were taking that away from her. While you are right factually, you wronged her emotionally. When they conflict, facts and emotions are difficult to reconcile…which is probably why counseling didn’t work. At this point, you need to decide if it’s more important for you to be right or happy.
A common approach to finances in a relationship is to have a joint account that covers all common expenses. Everything else goes to each person’s individual account. Often, the contribution to the joint account is based on earnings. If you earn double what she makes, you’d put in 2/3 and she’d put in 1/3. If you earned the same, it’d be 50/50. Any new goals you set together (like saving for a vacation or a down payment for a house) are agreed on in advance and get added to the “common” fund you maintain. Each person is free to treat their separate money however they want.
The percentage of income method is generally seen as the “fairest” approach given income disparities that can happen between genders and ages.
Hopefully things cool off a bit and you can patch things up. In theory, it’s salvageable or she’d already be gone. Instead of arguing over the amounts of money you contribute, you could focus on instead how you’d also like to buy a new car but you’ve been consistently putting in $500 or so more into the relationship for years…if you hadn’t been, you could have bought yourself a car. While it’s petty, it’s made you feel a bit unappreciated to have no acknowledgment of that imbalance and that you’re sorry that those feelings came out at a time where she was celebrating her accomplishment. Now you’re talking about reconciling each others emotions and not facts.
If it ends, just make sure you have a clear understanding of how finances will work going forward in your relationships. Disagreements/stress around money is a leading cause of relationship issues, so laying the ground rules for what works for everyone up front is generally a wise move.
Good luck to you both.
This is why my wife and I have separate accounts.
I make a lot more than her. Before we moved in together while still dating, we assigned each of us responsibilities for what bills get paid. I pay more bc I make more.
We contribute monthly to one joint account specific for vacations.
Then my money is mine, and hers is hers.
I drive an expensive vehicle bc I’m into cars. She drives a cheap Nissan bc she doesn’t care about cars. But she spends way more on clothes.
Recently, I splurged on a Breitling watch. She bought some fancy purse recently.
We have never had a single argument about money in our 13 years together.
I’m not sure why you think your relationship is heading towards doom. This might work out better for you going forward. But you might want to have a talk as to why she took 50% when you say you’ve contributed way more.
She only snapped today and you’ve already tried counselling for it?
I think you need to let the separate finances ride out for a while, if you want to try and salvage this. It may come up as a wake up call for both of you. She may realize that she needs your income to help pay for the car, you may realize that you can afford one yourself…or you could realize that it all works out just fine either way.
My husband and I did for years, before and after marriage. This is the exact reason why. So we kept spending bank accounts separate, saved separate, and had a joint account for shared expenses. We each added in our share each month and called it good. Worked great.
I think you should have separate finances for a while while YOU go to counseling. You say that you “don’t care” that you put more money in but you have literally been stewing in bitterness while repeatedly making snide comments because she bought a car when I assume she brings in enough money to pay for it on her own. I’d dump your ass so hard for being such a petty little bitch. If you had a problem with how finances were going then you should have used your big boy words and discussed a different distribution instead of acting like a jackwad and diminishing her delight and pride in her purchase. You need to get your shit together if you want this relationship to survive. It’s not a courses counseling thing. You need to examine why, at 35 years old, you can’t have a grown conversation about finances and are so bitter that she “treated” herself to a nicer vehicle that you act so hatefully.
Finances are very tricky, in general.
I don’t know what your guys’ long term plans are but for a thought experiment. Imagine that she is pregnant, and you guys have decided that she quits her job and becomes the stay at home partner. You obviously would be making a lot more money than her, but her contributions to the house and child rearing are also extremely important. How much would you pay for a nanny, cleaning service, and chef? This is also not considering the fact that doing this took away from her career aspirations, likely the time away put her behind her peers, all while your salary and career has grown. If my husband then went on to say “my house” instead of “our house” because my financial contribution wasn’t the same, I would be infuriated. When it comes to money, it’s not as logical as you are making it be.
You say it’s “factual”, that you have “indirectly contributed to the car”. But we here do not have enough info in my opinion to agree or disagree with that. Consider, that you might make more money than her, so proportionally she is contributing the same amount to the joint account as you. Or maybe she was willing to live in a less expensive place, so her rent is more expensive than what she would have paid otherwise, making her money stretch less than yours. I’ve also known couples where one is an extreme saver, and views anything below X to be scary, when in reality they’re doing fine.
I’m sorry to say, but in a partnership you cannot let these things “niggle away at you”. Even in the comments you’re coming at this like a “I’d like to see you try” with the 50/50 split she is suggesting, STILL belittling her abilities to contribute. You seem to believe that the car she has wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for you, and therefore it’s “our car” but if you keep playing that game, it’s going to end badly for you. I had a tough time in college, and my husband was very encouraging and helpful, but it’s not “our degree”.
Point is, you were belittling to something she is proud of, and I think you guys really need to have a chat about finances, goals, and otherwise, to recover from this.
You just said she’s calculating and found you spend more than her on other things. If you two really do shake out even in terms of expenses, I understand why she’s nickel diming you. You must be insufferable about money spending habits so she is showing you with evidence.
You want the truth? You were an asshole to her and she’s doing the right thing in separating her finances.
I am married, he earns 3x what I do and I drive the more expensive car, he calls it *my car* and he never belittles how much I earn and how much less I financially contribute. That’s what it looks like when someone actually doesn’t care.
But – let’s be honest, this isn’t about the car.
This is about control. I’m not sure what your plans were – whether you were wanting to have children together – but you just showed your hand about how you were going to treat her if she was a SAHM or for any period that she was financially dependent on you.
You are a massive, ‘financial abuse in the making’ red flag and *she can see it*.
You want help? Go get it. But you offer go pay for individual therapy and couples counseling – don’t you dare put that burden (financially oe emotionally) on her.
It sounds like this has been going on awhile now, so there may not be a way to salvage this relationship, but here’s what you can learn from it:
On communication: If you catch yourself using passive-aggressive comments to express a larger, more complicated concept, stop yourself immediately and reflect on what it is you really want to say and then find a neutral, convenient time to sit down and talk it all out. Conversations like this can often times be stressful and you know it won’t be fun, but its necessary and avoids exactly what happened in your current situation. Good communication is the bedrock of all relationships (romantic or otherwise).
On finances: I’ve had joint finances and separate finances in my two longest relationships. If you feel a joint bank account is a deal breaker to feeling secure in a relationship, then express that to your partner; but you should ask yourself why you feel that way. Concepts of sharing and togetherness can be had without money being in the same physical account.
In general, it sounds like you need to be more explicit with a budget, especially if you co-mingle your income with another person. It’s a grey area whether a new car is “fun money” or not, but you could set a baseline based on what you pay for your car and if she wanted something more fancy/pricey the overage is “fun money”. Similar, if you are spending on other non-necessary expenses, then that is your “fun money”. Partners should be spending an equal amount of fun money each month if they have joint accounts, regardless of income. Any extra should either be divided evenly or set aside in a savings/retirement type account to avoid resentment (when one side flaunts more/fancier toys).
You could offer to talk to her now about the things you should have said before this all started, but it may be too late.
We share everything financially but one car is mine and one is his. Same with computers. Everything may be owned jointly but one is mine. It’s not a statement if she says my car.
>So she got a sort of expensive new car a while ago. Salary sacrifices, ends up contributing **a bit less after that to the shared account**.
If you were unhappy at this stage, why didn’t you say anything? Why let it boil up until you started sniping at her and she blew up?
>I love her intensely, **don’t care that I contribute more financially** (even if it made feel small when she said that didn’t), absolutely did not mean to cause all this.
Yes you do, it’s really clear that (i) you care deeply about this and (ii) you struggle to articulate that internally and externally.
>I earn a bit more and drive a much cheaper car. I put about $1,500 in for every $1,000 she does looking back at statements.
Are you saying that you and she now want to move towards putting in $1250 each? Or do you want her to increase to $1500 to match you?
I’ll put this in the simplest way I can relate it to how my wife and I have approached finances over the last 20 years together. A relationship is a partnership. In every facet of the term. Since we are talking about the money side of a relationship, we can use a business partnership for comparison. In a business relationship you have to agree on terms and conditions of how finances are handled. Each business is different, as is each relationship. When you decide as a couple on how to run your money, whether it’s joint account, separate accounts, percentage contributions, whatever, you must both decide, agree and honour that agreement. As life changes, so can your agreement. Here you two have decided to share your funds in a joint and open honest fashion. That’s great, but you have to understand now that it’s a team effort. Unfortunately your comments are what lead to the feeling and now pursuit of division in finances. You’re putting a point spread on earnings vs savings to help your case but your fiancé has found that you spend more, so your cheaper car is an offset and her more expensive car is cancelled out by her spending less day to day. Also you refer to her car as “our” (both of you) car. Can I ask you, do you have your personal items in that car? Do you drive it more than 1/3 of its total use? Is your name on the list as the primary driver for insurance? You guys have two cars. One is yours, one is hers. Unless it is truly a shared vehicle, let her stake the ownership. Little comments and outlooks like those throughout a long period of time are what cause these outbursts “out of nowhere”. It’s like chipping away at a cliff, little bits over time will cause the whole thing to collapse. I’m sorry you are having a struggle here but you have drop your pride and apologize profusely and patiently. This won’t be fixed in a day. Make her feel like a real partner in life if you still want her to be.
So:
– You contribute more because you make more. Why would you split 50/50 if you make more?
– You spend more on other stuff than her, yet you are jealous her car is better? Also, you continuously think her car is also your car.
– If you said and did things that bothered her, you cannot apologize when she said it’s enough and took action. Your apology is worthless now.
– I’m confused why you are joining most of your money. You should only have a joint account for joint stuff, not join funds so that then ANY expense, even personal, comes from there. So it turned out you spent more than her from the joint account, yet you belittled her for spending on her car from her money. Hmmm….
You don’t sound like 35. When you have a problem, you solve it by talking and coming up with solutions. Not by belittling and being toxic to the person who you claim you “love.”
You need therapy for yourself to figure out why you keep taking little jabs at her
She did not take 50%. She calculated how much they each have deposited into the account, then took her share. The monetary value of whatever percentage she contributes decreased, but she’s still contributing the same percentage.
This is why folks need math and have to stop with the “I can’t do math” excuses.
Op is salty she has a new car with her own money and upset at the amount of money she now contributes, instead of seeing the percentage is still the same. **once the car is paid off, the amount of money will increase again**
What a nightmare to be almost married to someone like this.
OP are you sure you’re being honest about the disparity in contribution to joint savings not bothering you?
Because it seems like it does.
OP you could have just bought yourself a nicer car instead letting your resentment boil over to the point that it’s toxic.
I’ve been in her shoes. When we first moved in together, my (now) husband was covering most of the rent and I was paying a contribution but most of the other bills. But he held it over my head with stupid jokes and wisecracks that the house was his. One evening I had had enough and told him that he was being hurtful, making me feel really insecure and vulnerable in my own home. He listened, apologised for it and most importantly, there hasn’t been a single incidence in the 10 years since. He still makes stupid jokes, those ones are just completely off the table.
All this to say that if this is the first time she has blown up, about it, you may be able to turn this around but if this is something you have been niggling at her for a while (which seems more likely if you have already been to therapy about it) and she has talked until she is blue in the face to try to get you to understand, anything you say or do now is probably too little, much too late.
Let her go, she is already gone. You have belittled her enough.