At first, I feel like I’m going to sound crazy but I need some input.
My (22f) boyfriend (21m) and I have been together for 1.5 years. We both want the same things in life, marriage, children… but he doesn’t want to start that process until we’re “27-30.” He has been aware from the start that being a mom is my life dream and I wanted to start young, not necessarily now, but definitely before 27. Problem is, I have found out that I have a few issues reproductively. For the past three years, I have been getting hemorrhagic ovarian cysts that cause me a lot of pain and bleeding in my abdomen. I’ve always have extremely debilitating periods as well. Uterine fibroids and ovarian cysts run on my moms side, and have resulted in all of the women on my mom side to get radical hysterectomies. I got the Mirena to help with these problems and it kinda did. I no longer get a period, but I still get ovarian cysts and they are continuing to get larger and larger each time they burst. About a year ago, my ob gyn asked me if I wanted kids, and I expressed that yes, l’ve always wanted to be a mom and I would give anything for that. She basically said that she suspects endometriosis on top of my already occurring issues. My ob gyn said that doing a diagnostic surgery would bring me more harm than good, so for now being diagnosed isn’t an option. However, she also said that when I want children, if I don’t get pregnant within the first month, to begin seeing fertility clinics given my history and family history. She said that these cysts, with how large they’re getting, can cause ovarian torsion, and lead me to needing them to be removed or have surgery. Essentially, the longer I wait to have children, the more likely it is that I’ never be able to have them.
Background: I’m graduating in May with my BS from the 4th best nursing school in the US on a full ride scholarship. I already have my associates from a community college I obtained in high school. Upon graduation, I can begin working after I pass my NCLEX which can be a 2-4 month process. The average starting nursing salary is 70k. However, I’ve already received offered exceeding that. I have 7k in student loans (I got really sick and needed money since I couldn’t work last year). He has a salesman job and is in track to make 60k this year. We are a young couple with two dogs and have enough money.
My question is what do I do? I want to have children, that is non negotiable for me. However, if I wait until I’m 27, my reproductive issues may prevent me from ever becoming a mom. He says he’s not ready, which I understand and I’m okay with. However, it makes me feel that maybe we’re not the right match, we have different priorities. But he doesn’t want me to leave him. He has cried, begged, and pleaded for me to not leave him but I don’t want to sacrifice my goals because he’s not ready. I love him and don’t want to leave him but I can’t give my chances at motherhood up. I also brought up the idea of marriage, like if we can’t have kids now, I want to be married so I know I’m not wasting my time. I want to know that l’m going to get my dream if I stay with him. But he’s not ready for that either. He says he’ll do anything to make me stay but saying and doing are two different things. He doesn’t want me to leave and is begging me to stay, but I want something that he doesn’t.
There’s also a lot of other factors at play that I didn’t mention but feel free to ask questions. Thank you 🙂
TL;DR: I (22f) want to have kids now because I’m having health issues that may affect my fertility later in life. My bf (21f) doesn’t want to have children yet. Bf doesn’t want me to leave him but doesn’t want to have children until he’s “27-30”. What do I do?
11 comments
Have an open and honest conversation with him about how important this is to you.
Leave him. You want motherhood, you have informed yourself, you apparently don’t have the time to wait.
Don’t put pressure on him for fatherhood, cos he might cave and say yes while resenting that. Find someone else who does want a child or look into a legit sperm donor through a clinic. Marriage is kind of a bad idea though. If it fails, you’d only feel trapped and like you’d given up your dream for something that’s a lousy trade then.
You two are incompatible. He might hate it, but that’s how things are. Then you both move on, even if it hurts.
I understand that you have good reasons for wanting a kid as soon as possible, but realistically you need to end this relationship. He would be nuts to have a child at his age after being together for a short time when he doesn’t feel ready.
Never never never compromise on something so big as having kids.
He doesn’t want kids now. You both are not ready for kids now. You are both not set up in life yet. You haven’t even finished school. You don’t have a job that can afford a kid. You have job offers now. But if you pop out a baby before your finish. Or if you tell a company that once they hire you, that y will well just have to pay you maternity leave in a few weeks. They will not hire you.
And if you have one now when he is not ready. It will only cause resentment towards you. And that will end your relationship.
You have to wait a few years more so that your lives is set up. Or it’s time to leave him
I’m sorry, but you want motherhood in the near future, and he does not want to have a child in the near future. The longer you stay with him, the less likely you are to have a child, especially as it will take time to find another co-parent. Although you should also consider artificial insemination. But you already know staying with him does not work with your timeline. Which is unfortunate, and not his fault, but it is what it is.He really is young enough I’d advise him not to get married or to have a child yet. But you have a pressing medical issue that affects normal timelines. You should probably look to date people who are about 24 or 25 years old. Not so much older than you that they are looking to abuse you, but older enough that they might be ready to settle down if the relationship works out.
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I know people with endo that have 3 kids.. and later in life! I think you’re so young If I was only 22 I’d say no as well. I think your putting more emphasis on being a mum than your partner! If I were him I’d be feeling like I was being trapped. I think freeze your eggs..
Freezing your eggs might be an option?
I understand what you mean though. If it makes you feel better my doctor told me at 18 it would be extremely difficult to have children. He told me the same thing if I want kids to do it soon. I was not ready financially or emotionally at the time so it wasn’t an option for me. @ 30 I got pregnant with my first. I told myself if it happens it does, if not no worries.
Your health conditions sound really difficult. I’m sorry you’re having to make such tough decisions around your fertility at such a young age. If it were any other situation, I’d think you were rushing into something better saved for your later 20s (and a longer, more time-tested relationship), but I understand why you’re doing so. I think you have to be realistic, though, that most people your age aren’t thinking about starting a family right now. This goes double, triple, quadruple for young men your age.
I’ve found in my own experience (in a major coastal city; it varies by region) that men I’ve met haven’t started thinking seriously about marrying and having a child until their mid-30s. In my mid-late twenties I got tired of my goals being misaligned with the men I was meeting, and I started filtering on dating apps for >30 and “wants kids.” Frankly, that was how I met my partner. We had the same goals and compatible timelines, and it was a breath of fresh air. You’re in the minority of your age group in dating with that kind of intention, so you have to date strategically. It sounds like you’re already realistic in that sense, because you do know you’re incompatible with your boyfriend and need to break up and find someone on your same page. It’s a shorthand and there are exceptions, obviously, but my genuine advice is look for men over 25, ideally closer to 30. Basically, the timeline your bf gave you for when he’ll personally be ready. That age group is where you’ll find men in the same stage of life that you are.
You also have to be so, so careful to choose wisely. If I’ve learned anything from Reddit, it’s that there are some bad-intentioned people out there who will prey on an age gap and rush to marriage and a baby to lock you into an abusive situation. Screen for good men who respect you and are genuine, men who have built their own life, found their own happiness, and are ready to share that with a partner. Men who have good friends and surround themselves with good people. And truly, you can’t let your anxiety about fertility make you rush a decision as impactful as who will be the father of those future children. I do understand how hard that must be, though. As someone who has also always had your same goals of motherhood, I really do wish you good luck.
Okay heres the tough truth. No one hardly anyone wants kids within a year of dating. Honestly that’s pretty quick. You don’t know how your partner is long term. I’ve been with my bf for 2 years and I’m not ready for kids. You’re in a great position financially and are responsible. Realistically, you should leave your bf bc he’s not ready for kids. I mean the next few guys you meet you should disclose you want to have kids soon so they can know what to expect good luck 🍀
You don’t need his permission to break up with him. If you want kids and marriage right now and he doesn’t, then you will have to leave. Even if he doesn’t want you to.