My girlfriend and I are very different, polar opposites you might call it.
While I’m a very outgoing, communicative and overthinking person, she on the other hand, is a fairly discreet and closed up individual. I don’t think she overthinks our interactions like I do, and to my liking it sometimes feels like she ‘underthinks’ (not a term but you get the point) them. When she doesn’t have anything to say, she just doesn’t say anything whereas I’m quite the talkative kind, still I’d like for her to initiate conversation sometimes.
Let alone my concerns about being too much, I’m mostly overthinking the way(s) in which I should show her affection. I think she’s understood that I care for her, but I don’t know to what extent. She has yet to open up about her past traumas and current problems, which I know she has and I’m willing to give her as much time as she needs to do so if it means waiting for her to be fully comfortable with me. But me being an oversharer, it sometimes feels like I’m the more vulnerable one because I’ve opened up on different concerns/traumas of mine. I’ve picked up on some things that she’s briefly mentioned about her past but I don’t feel like confronting her to open up about them because it’s *her* life and want to respect her boundaries.
And then there’s this intuition in me telling me she hasn’t received the love and affection she should’ve growing up and still today and I wish to show her that I’m here for her now, that she can always rely on me. It hurts a lot to have this intuition, but then again this isn’t about me and I can’t make it my own problem when it’s obviously much more painful to her.
On a side note, there’s also this thing of the five ‘love languages’ (physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, gift-giving) and I’d like to know which apply to her so I can adapt but 1) am i meant to ‘adapt’? and 2) if she were to ask me in return, i don’t even know what i’d choose because, in a way, each seems important…
I’ve heard that really closed up people can have a sudden emotional outburst after some time and I want to be her emotional support, whether such an event happens or not, but then again I can’t predict the future.
All of this is very new to me as this is my first relationship, but I’m a caretaker with my friends and I sure want to be one with my partner too. I just hope she knows I truly care.
TLDR : How do I show my taciturn girlfriend I care when I don’t know how she handles affection?
2 comments
It’s great that you’re being so considerate of her feelings and boundaries. Have you tried asking her directly what makes her feel loved and cared for? Communication is key, and it might help to have an open and honest conversation about both of your needs in the relationship.
Don’t worry too much about the love languages. They have their usefulness, but they were invented by a pastor and they’re super heteronormative–there’s an assumption that all men are physical touch and all women are something else, and it goes back to some icky ideas about all men wanting tons of sex and all women hating it, neither of which are true.
In my experience, they do have value, but they’re less something that you innately “are,” and more a barometer of what’s missing in your relationship. Like if I’m not getting enough physical touch in my life I’ll score high on that, but in some other year when I’m not getting a lot of words of affirmation, I’ll get that result instead.
You sound very sincere and very mature, and your love for her comes through every line! Gently, I think you’re overthinking a little, especially if the relationship is new. Just keep being there for her, sharing about yourself when it feels right, listening when she opens up. There won’t necessarily be an emotional outburst or anything. Just keep doing what you’re doing; it sounds like it’s going well for the most part. You can also ask her to initiate conversation more if you need that.