Hi folks,
I started a new job last year in IT, and one thing I’ve noticed is that people often like to talk over each other during staff meetings. It varies from one team another, with some folks being more respectful of each person’s time than others. But it very much seems to be the name of the game here.
I’ve always been an introvert with a dash of social anxiety, and from a young age, I was always told to wait your turn before speaking. Sadly, this has meant that I rarely, if ever, get that many words in during a meeting, and even when I wish to interject and clarify a statement, I refrain from doing so. I fear that this causes me to come across as aloof or disengaged, when most of the time I’m not. I also fear that because I’m not the typical backslapping jokester, people will see me as unapproachable.
When I do find myself cutting someone off (particularly women, for whom I know that this has always been an issue in the American workplace), I immediately apologize and retreat. However, I am the only that does this. Some folks feel no shame in talking over each other. When I was child, interrupting my father, even if it wasn’t with malicious intentions, would often elicit a mean, passive-aggressive, “well like I was saying before your RUDELY interrupted” response. So naturally, I was wired to just be a fly on the wall. Sadly, this has hurt my career in the modern-day as it makes me appear slow and dimwitted. It’s also caused me to settle for less in life and take jobs that were terrible career/cultural fits because I’ve normalized getting screamed at. My mom has since remarried, and her husband and his kids (who happen to be a few years younger than I) seem much more well-socialized. Everyone sees them and tells me to “just be myself,” but at the end of the day, barring a few behaviors I have worked on in therapy, this is pretty much who I am.
So my main question is, how do I deal with people who like to talk over me/each other? It’s a personality trait that I absolutely despise, but I feel as though this is the norm, and if I can’t beat them, I’ll have to join them.
6 comments
you have to learn to be assertive.
You could talk your supervisor about your concerns as it sounds like free-for-all than actual conductive productive meeting.
I know what you mean OP. My dad is like this. Oftentimes you have to just interject with what you want to say, and he’ll stop talking. There’s an “acceptable” way to do this usually. I find that an easy way is to just start with “I definitely hear what you’re saying but….” and then say your piece. Add a transition at the beginning acknowledging that they were speaking before talking over them which is “less rude”.
I also know a lot of people who will just KEEP talking until someone interrupts them, because they’re so used to this style of conversing. They’ll just assume that if no one has interjected that no one has anything to say yet.
If YOU cut someone off, mumble ‘apologies’ and say something like ‘carry on’ and be more mindful in the future. It’s not always easy…
If you’re being interrupted just keep talking as you were. Confident. Smile at the asshat and carry on as if they didn’t say a word.
Folks will recognize the difference in manners. Screwing up by interruption during exciting brain ping is not uncommon. It happens. Be polite either way.
Like road rules. Stop sign. Emergency vehicles go ahead, otherwise wait your damn turn
Apologies get you nowhere and reduce respect in furious conversation unless you’ve done something egregious. If no one else is apologizing you shouldn’t either. Apologies waste precious time and interrupt the flow.
“Thanks for adding that. However, I wasn’t finished speaking. (Continue).”
The politeness paired with highlighting the social no-no they’ve done works well. It’s not offensive but it definitely makes your feelings clear.
I know what you mean- I grew up in a family that talked over each other to be heard and when I go home to visit I fall into that again. But creating a culture where that’s not done takes two sides.
It’s perfectly normal to dislike people talking over each other. I have a feeling that the history you described means you might be overreacting to normal conversations though. That’s ok too because some of us REALLY dislike that cultural habit🙈even though sometimes we have to participate in order to be heard.
I was the only woman in a meeting with a CEO of a major company and a bunch of other men. Like you described there was a bunch of talking over one another but they were asking questions about my area of expertise. As in no one else at that table had the required information. Of course they basically ignored me so I just got louder and louder until I was basically shouting when the last one finally stopped. I would hate to have to go through that again, but it worked. In future meetings they took time to ask for my input.
I’ve also seen people use standing to make their way. You can stand up to get their attention to speak or while you’re speaking standing up will draw down those who are speaking over you.
Good for you for taking your situation in hand! I know it’s not easy 🌼