I feel I fucked up.
Throwaway account.
I’ve been with my lady for 11 years now. We have a solid trust in each other, and I feel extremely safe in this relationship for the first time in my life. Anyway, about 7 years ago, I stupidly walked myself into a sexual conversation with a girl I messed with a little back in 2007. During our conversation, she told me that we “should’ve had sex.” The problem with that was I wasn’t even attracted to her in that way during the time we fooled around. I was just horny. Didn’t really enjoy it.
Back to the subject. This girl said we should’ve had sex, and I foolishly said I wanted to do this back then. Then, I was just describing what we could’ve done. Again, I was feeling horny. Why I didn’t just go to my gf, I don’t know. My only excuse would be because I got caught up in getting attention from another person, and I was also having severe problems with my OCD that I was drowning out. NONE of what was said was anything I really wanted to do. NONE of it.
No pictures or videos were exchanged, and had that come up, I would’ve been out of it fast. I never told my gf how big of a piece of shit I am. I have felt guilty anytime I’ve thought about it since. Not only was it scumy saying shit I didn’t even mean, but that I did it to my gf. She absolutely did not deserve that at all. It kills me more because she has literally been the best person to come into my life. Why I would even remotely risk anything is beyond me.
I’m venting here. Downvote me, call me a pos, I have it coming putting it on here. I want to tell her, but then I’m torn at how it would make her feel. I’ve NEVER physically cheated on a person before, but I’ve had moments like this in the past. The only difference was that when I did it in the past, I was in very unstable relationships. This one, not unstable in the slightest, other than me. I haven’t done that since, and I immediately unfriended the girl and haven’t spoken to her since.
*edit* The worst thing that was said on my part was a hypothetical scenario from when we fooled around in 2007. I never said, “I want to do this or that right now.” It was all past tense.
tl;dr – I sexted another girl, didn’t tell my gf. Feel absolutely horrible.
26 comments
That’s a long time ago and although it isn’t great, I can’t see what good bringing this up to your partner would do, as long as you’ve been on the straight and narrow since. I would try to stop obsessing about it and resolve to use the guilt you feel about it as a good reminder to stay away from those kinds of conversations and situations in the future.
>I was also having severe problems with my OCD
You still are. You need to talk to your therapist about this.
you make quite a few different (and frankly irrelevant) excuses for yourself here. Take accountability. I think your guilty conscience is too heavy to move past what’s happened therefore you have two choices- take your chances and tell your girlfriend or end the relationship.
there’s really nothing else to be achieved here as this situation isn’t sustainable
It sounds like you’re really regretful for what happened and have learned from your mistake. While it may be tempting to confess, consider how it will impact your partner and your relationship. If you decide not to tell her, use this experience as a reminder to always prioritize communication and honesty in your relationship moving forward.
I am at a loss if sexting counts as infidelity even. You know your gf better than us. Would she count it as infidelity? Are you giving someone else, what she claims?
Or is it rather that you can’t forgive yourself? If the other way around, would you want to know? Would you want her to confess? Or would you think, that there was nothing to confess actually?
Maybe best to let a few days pass and think about, let the steam go down and decide then how to proceed. You seem a bit agitated. That’s no good condition to make decisions.
if you gonna tell her you are just going to ruin your relationship with her she won’t trust you anymore. I think the best decision would be do the best for her and stay loyal don’t do that again.
Honestly, if you didn’t fuck the other girl and didn’t exchange nudes or anything then it’s not that bad. I mean you still cheated in the back of your gf but atleast you feel guilty and remorseful for what you’ve done and you want to make things right by telling her.
That’s just my opinion but you shouldn’t tell her. By telling her you will ruin a relationship of 11 years and she might go into depression or something plus even if she forgive you she will never be able to trust you ever again. As long as you never repeat the same mistake and give it your all to make your gf happy then that’s good enough. You are already being punished by accumulating guilt all this time and you will keep doing it, thats the least you can do.
I disagree with both telling her and with ending the relationship. I believe that you have made a mistake, we all make mistakes. If this were something that happened just recently, I’d say fess up and let her decide. Since the real issue is your guilt, I firmly believe that this is simply your cross to bear. Telling her will only hurt her. No good comes from it at all.
You made a mistake, but didn’t cheat. You know you did wrong, so do better going forward. No need to tell her, and no need to keep dwelling on this, other than as a lesson to treat her better every day.
I’m going through something similar and I feel so much what you’re feeling. I don’t understand why we do or say the things we do. Sometimes we just do stupid things without thinking.
The main thing is that nothing happened, thankfully, so you can move on from this knowing that even though you said something, at least you didn’t DO anything.
Your gf might get mad if she’d heard you say this stuff, and it might be hard to explain if she found out. Try to focus on the future with your gf. I don’t know, I don’t really have good advice. But I hope you are doing better.
This is coming from a guy been married longer than most of you here are old. So factor that in.
Hopping I have all this right.
The physical relationship happened before you got together with your current lady. The wish we would have conversation happened 7 years ago.
You need to take a deep breath and relax. As old school as I am I can’t see this as sexting, let alone cheating. “I want to take you to the park, bend you over a bench , rip your clothes off and savage your bung hole”. That’s setting.
“I wish we would have had sex” is reminiscing about a relationship that happened BEFORE you met your lady.
That said , you do need to make sure this person is blocked, contact deleted, whatever to ensure you don’t hear from her again.
Work with your therapist and get this behind you…where it belongs. Enjoy life with your lady.
Give yourself some credit. You were talking about a hypothetical situation and a hypothetical outcome. You did not act on it. It is perfectly normal to have sexual thoughts from time to time. I’m sure your girl has thought of Ryan Reynolds from time to time. Learn to forgive yourself, and learn from the experience. With PTSD and OCD you have enough to worry about. Like they say in Frozen, Let it go…
I think the worst part of this is that you didn’t tell her 7 years ago when it happened. That would be the nail in the coffin for me. Could have resolved it then, but 7 years of hiding it is huge.
What changed? Why haven’t you felt guilty enough to say anything for 7 years, but you do now? Cause I think it matters not just why you tell her, but in how you tell her (and yes, you should tell her. She deserves to make up her own mind about this, not us. Tell her).
Not nearly as long as you but I did the same in my 3 year relationship. I ended up telling him, apologizing, and worked through it in therapy. I did, however, exchange videos and pictures. He said he isn’t angry anymore but obviously to not talk to the guy anymore or it will get messy. We also have a baby involved, yeah, we all fuck up in some ways but maybe just own up to it? You’ll probably feel better.
Whatever you do DO NOT TELL HER. It will break her and make her feel unworthy. The fact that you didn’t go any farther and realized how wrong it is makes you a good partner. As humans we have temptations we cannot be 100% perfect all the time. We all make mistakes. That’s what life’s about tho, making mistakes and learning from them. Don’t beat yourself up too much. It could’ve been way worse but you didn’t allow that to happen.
Here is what you do. Do Not Tell Her. This could wreck her for a very long time.
Instead make sure you properly treasure her and let her feel loved and make her feel special to you.
Just make it up by being the best life partner in her life and that would atone for it.
Of course stop repeating the same mistakes. Make a decision today to hold your relationship with her sacred and make a promise to yourself not to let her down again.
You feel bad for it because what you did was shitty. It doesn’t mean you’re a completely bad person, but you betrayed your partner. To me it *IS* cheating. Just accept that you messed up and never repeat your mistakes.
You made a mistake. This you already know.
Forgive yourself – I say this because you genuinely sound sorry – tormented even.
Once you can forgive yourself – think again about what this will do to your current girlfriend. Having this discussion may forever alter your current relationship.
Is it really worth the possible outcome?
Unburdening yourself only to burden your girlfriend is not fair.
Leave it in the past where all mistakes are made!
And just don’t repeat your mistake.
Eh karma will work it’s way around, she’ll probably meet and leave you for a super hunk.
>NONE of what was said was anything I really wanted to do.
This feels like a lie but ok.
I’m disgusted people are telling you not to tell your gf. That *is* a cheater mentality. You did something to break your gf trust and are hiding it from her. There is always a chance she could find out about it and she deserves to know it happened. Period.
You’re thoughts are racing, and you need to get a grip.
You did nothing wrong. You didn’t even really *think* about doing anything wrong. It was kind of an emotionless game.
You didn’t even cheat emotionally. You’re in the clear here.
My concern is that your guilt will cause you to confess. And a “confession” from you would over-exaggerate what actually happened, because you feel guilty.
Talk about *this* in therapy so that you can step away from the guilt you’re carrying.
Unleash all this on here or therapy.
RELAX! You are fine. A lot more worse things has happened in relationship.
You didn’t let things get escalated more. So props to you there!
And please don’t tell this to your woman!
It’s gonna cause unnecessary problems…
You haven’t done anything to an to feel this terrible.
You didn’t really cheat on her. Calm down.
“You didn’t really cheat on her.”
“Is telling her really worth the outcome”
“The fact that you didn’t carry on makes you a good partner”
I knew these comments would be full of horseshit as soon as I read the post. A partner with dishonest intentions the moment shit goes south for him and POS cronies with likemindedness to egg him on.
Jesus, I hope she finds out.
I am so shocked that so many think you shouldn’t tell her. She deserves to know. If you respect her, you should tell her. She has currently been with you under the false pretense that you have been 100% loyal. She deserves informed consent. It will be hard, but she has a right to know. My partner did this to me, and we are moving on, but I’ll tell you, the worst part of all of it is that he never would’ve told me if I hadn’t caught him months later. Please tell her. My heart breaks for her right now. It would be controlling and manipulative to let this continue. Don’t decide get any longer. Wouldn’t you want to know? You don’t know how she will react. She may leave, and that’s her right, but you two may also become stronger because of it. Don’t let your fear of losing her take priority of her right to informed consent.
I’m not advocating lying or hiding things from your SO or cheating by any means. I appreciate your want to be honest and transparent. But ask yourself where that need is coming from. Is that you feel bad she’s in a relationship she’s been lied to in? Or that you’re sick of living with your own guilt, sick of it keeping you up at night, and want to tell her for your own relief? Because, sure, you can tell her, she’ll be broken, you’ll feel relieved. Sounds like that benefits you but not her. I think as other have suggested, for now, try talking to a therapist and working through your own hurt, decisions, why you did it, how to feel secure to not do it again, etc. That’s something both you and her would benefit from.
Why have you been with this lady for 11 years and still call her gf? Why not marry her or let someone else marry her.