Mainly, what I’m looking for is advice on how to carry myself in light of this problem, and, being the pessimist I am, understanding worst-case scenarios as this continues.
My girlfriend (27F) and I (26M) have been together for almost 5 years now. We live together, with a couple of pets we both love. Through the years we’ve had very little problems aside from some insecurity/jealousy I was bringing into the relationship in early on, baggage from relationships I’ve had in the past. For the last 3 years though, I’ve been much better and it hasn’t been an issue at all.
The last year or so, though, we’ve been extremely busy working to save money for our future. We both started putting in 40+ hour workweeks. This resulted in less activity in the bedroom due to our mutual exhaustion. As I got more used to my new career, however, I now have leftover energy when I’m home. Even for the typical male, I admittedly have a high sex drive, and with my leftover energy, that’s how I want to use it.
However, my girlfriend is not the same. Even before she went on antidepressants recently; exhaustion, headaches, and anxiety would result in many occasions of “not tonight”. In honest conversations, she’s admitted she gives sex much less priority in her life as I do. This is fine, of course, because I love her, and I have a perfectly working hand when I need to relieve stress.
Since she started taking antidepressants, though, it’s now been a streak of times, where I’ll try to initiate intimacy only for her to shut down, ignore, or continue watching short-format content on her phone. When it’s successful, she has difficulty getting into it and “finishing”, blaming it on her medication. She has complained about this, and is returning to her doctor at some point to see if she can get the prescription altered to remedy this.
The other night, I was getting close to her, and she accused me of only cuddling her when I want sex. I had to reflect on this, but don’t feel this is the case. Rather, the cuddling makes me want it. I assured her of this, but she still seemed upset about it. Apparently, my libido is causing her a sort of performance anxiety that’s paradoxically worsened the issue.
So, now for the advice I’m seeking:
Has anyone dealt with this before? How did it eventually turn out? I can’t help but feel we’re losing the years of our life when we’re still young and attractive.
I’ve been considering trying to clear my mind of sex being a possibility between us going forward. You know, just not trying to initiate it anymore. Would that be a good idea? Would it be sealing the coffin?
Thanks for any advice. The account I’m posting from is a fresh secondary, as she is aware of my main. The last thing I want is to give her more anxiety about my thoughts on this, I just need some advice from anyone versed or experienced in situations like this.
TL;DR: GF of \~5 y now has little to no sex drive, medication part of issue. Unsure how to carry myself going forward, what to expect, and whether or not I should stop attempting intimacy entirely.
4 comments
You have your needs, and they are valid. Admit to her you have those needs, and will not agree on sexless relationship. Honesty is best way here, as it gives you chance for improvement.
Speaking of improvement, she should change her meds. Not all of them cause this issue, and people react to different meds differently. I would suggest trying Bupropion based medication, although it does have it’s own side-effects.
I think y’all need to sit down and discuss what you both want your sex life to look like given the current situation. Who initiates, when, what acts are on the table as an option, etc. You need a definitive agreement instead of just discussing your sex drives. And emphasize what you said here that you want to be with her but you aren’t sure what she wants.
I have a bunch of problems that are not conducive to sex and I initiate on good days. But also good days are/were limited and there’s other stuff I want to do in my life besides have sex. It’s not necessarily that you don’t prioritize sex, it’s that you have to sacrifice stuff you really want to do constantly so the way you think about it is very different than healthy people who can do whatever on a whim.
Over time I have found things to help with my medical shit, but I don’t think I will ever be 100% and have the sex life of a couple with 2 healthy people. I don’t know your partners issues but it’s pretty unlikely that someone dealing with chronic stuff is going to get to a point where they are 100% functional forever. Even if you find medication that works perfectly now things ebb and flow, especially with mental health. And even if you are super improved, your mindset doesn’t change over night when you’ve spent years of your life living around your issues.
I don’t think you should throw initiating out the window forever. You both just need to discuss the situation FREQUENTLY as things change. And don’t approach it as “I wish we had more sex” approach it as “what can we do to have the best sex life possible for both of us right now”
> She has complained about this, and is returning to her doctor at some point to see if she can get the prescription altered to remedy this.
If she takes this seriously and turns “some point” into a concrete appointment, this would be something I could seriously recommend toughing out for a while.
It may be an uncomfortable topic to broach or may feel too minor to worry about in the present, but neither of those could be further from the truth. Sexual side effects are so common with anti-depressants that the doctor won’t even blink and probably has a laundry list of solutions to try.
Furthermore, the single greatest reason for her to be proactive in addressing this now is that the impact these side effects have on her and the knock-on effect they have on your relationship will only complicate treating the depression itself.
*edit: I can tell you from having been on the other side of this, it is tough to roll the dice again once you have found something that actually works for depression, even with the side effects. You really have to reframe it as having found a fallback solution in case all other options fail as well as having established a baseline for you to know if other options you try are working well enough.*
First off, everything that you are feeling is valid. Most people consider sex to be one of several important components of a relationship, your needs aren’t being met and it is probably making you feel like you aren’t as connected to one another.
I’d like to give you both some ideas, if that’s alright. I have been on several antidepressants over the 10+ years I’ve been taking them and my partner and I have struggled with this issue in the past. Maybe some of these ideas can help you too 🙂
**Switching Meds**
She should talk to her doctor about potentially switching medications to help with her libido. But I want to caution you both: this might not be the solution so don’t get your hopes up. Starting a new medication can mean a new set of side effects, or it could not work as well as her current meds. It takes several weeks (even a month or more) for the side effects to subside and to notice if the medication is helping her depression or not. It can be really hard on her to change meds, brains are tricky things so be patient and understand that she might need to go right back to her current meds if the new ones don’t work as well.
**Initiate plenty of non-sexual touch**
You might not realize it, but if your cuddling usually leads to you wanting to fondle her it can be a real turn off. Hug, spoon, kiss her on the cheek and forehead, and give her physical contact without it ever getting intimate. I’m not saying that you aren’t doing this already, but try to do it more so when you start to cuddle her she doesn’t immediately think “I hope he doesn’t want to have sex right now”.
**Talk about expectations**
This is just good advice for everybody, but have an open conversation about sex. Whether or not the new meds improve her libido, talk about expectations for the future. How frequently would you both like to have sex? What kind of sex do you each enjoy (oral, manual, PIV, solo, etc)? Make a list of your desires and fantasies! What do you like? What does she like? Get into all the juicy details together.
What about Sex Lite™? A term I just made up to refer to everything but sex: making out, grinding, over the clothes kind of stuff. Maybe she would feel more comfortable if you both have the power to initiate this kind of intimacy but only she has the power to bump up the make out session to intercourse? Would she feel more welcome to kissing if she knew that she didn’t have to turn you down if it escalated to wanting sex? Just an idea 🙂
You can have a schedule for sex and it doesn’t have to kill the mood. It can be framed as something to look forward to! During the day you can flirt with each other, tease with a picture, talk about how excited you are… And of course you both have the power to say no, just because it’s scheduled doesn’t mean it’s guaranteed but maybe having a schedule can make sex a bigger priority.
In conclusion (sorry this is so long lol), I hope this gives you some conversation starters. Communication can make or break a relationship, you both need to be able to vocalize what you’re feeling in a gentle, respectful way AND listen to what the other person is feeling without taking it as an insult. Start every hard conversation with, “I love you and I care about our relationship.” ❤️
Edit for formatting