My (31M) girlfriend (31F) of one year lied about sexual past and now it’s weighing on me
I met my current GF online. When we started dating she asked if I had slept around or not. I said no I don’t have a huge list of girls and I am not a fan of random hookups as I see sex as something intimate. I told her I had a few one night stands and a very long term relationship, and never felt good inside afterward a random hookup so never continued it after the fourth or fifth one.
She told me she likes that attitude as in this city she felt most guys are just trying to have sex. She volunteered info that she had had a few sexual partners after 3 long term relationships but not for a while.
We had another chat where I said I would struggle myself to date someone who has had a lot of sexual partners (30+) as I view sex as a very intimate activity. I told her if some girls who have shown interest in me and explained I did not have sex with them (in response to a question if I had had sex with a particular girl). She told me she agrees with that perspective and only has sex inside a committed relationship. She told me she views one night stands as not having respect for oneself. I told her I was around the 15 mark. We agreed that it’s not bad to behave like that, as long as people are honest and consensual. I told her I was glad we had that in common and she said she was too and don’t worry she hasn’t racked up the numbers.
She also asked me if I had ever cheated very early on (1st date). I told her I hadn’t and she said good she hadn’t either.
Over the course of about 6 months she contradicted herself about 5 times about guy “friends” she has fairly recently had sexual encounters with. These were guys she proactively told me nothing has happened with. One lives in the building and she still chats to some of them. I saw a list on her laptop of guys she’d been with and I only saw one year but there were around 10 so the list must have been 50 or so. I also found out she had used tinder extensively for casual hookups. Finally, I found out she cheated quite a lot in previous relationships. I told her that this is messing with my head because I feel she lied to make me respect that aspect of her when she should have either zipped it or been honest. She told me it’s not a lie if that’s how she views it now and why can guys sleep with 50 girls and she can’t. I carefully explained that I hadn’t and I had told her I don’t feel guys or girls should necessarily be doing it in my own value system but people can do what they want. However, I feel it’s disrespectful to proactively have brought it up and then got the answers from me and lied. I also asked her to please not text guys who are currently making it clear they are interested in sex with her (one invited her to a sex party another was asking her to sleep at his place) and she told me she can text whoever she wants.
I’m very uncomfortable and I don’t know if it’s the lies, the feelings of having been manipulated, if I am just insecure, or we just aren’t compatible.
TL;DR partner proactively brought up various topics about sexual past and asked me about mine, only to find out her answers were lies.
21 comments
For me it would make me question character because of the lying, but also because of the numerous cheating. Body count doesn’t at all matter to me. It’s actually very disconcerting to me that many men on reddit are so insecure about a woman’s sexual history that many claim they wouldn’t even date her because of this.
Anyway. One year isn’t much if you can’t move on from the lying.
> She told me it’s not a lie if that’s how she views it now and why can guys sleep with 50 girls and she can’t. I carefully explained that I hadn’t and I had told her I don’t feel guys or girls should necessarily be doing it in my own value system but people can do what they want. However, I feel it’s disrespectful to proactively have brought it up and then got the answers from me and lied.
Yeah… let her go.
It’s fine for someone to sleep with as many people as they want. It’s not cool to lie about it when trying to have a heart to heart conversation about values when starting a serious relationship.
> I also asked her to please not text guys who are currently making it clear they are interested in sex with her (one invited her to a sex party another was asking her to sleep at his place) and she told me she can text whoever she wants.
She has made her priorities clear.
A leopard doesn’t change it’s spots. She continues her pattern of lying. She’s telling you what you want to hear but the evidence speaks for itself. When she cheats on you, you won’t be able to say you didn’t see it coming.
Honestly, it sounds like you two have different values and perspectives when it comes to sex and relationships. It’s up to you whether or not you can move past the lies and if you’re willing to continue the relationship, but it’s important to have open and honest communication moving forward.
Well here’s the thing. You’ve made your position very clear on this issue. If she had told you the truth, it sounds like you would be incompatible anyway. Either way, as someone with different values to you, she’s not going to be a good fit for you.
I am a little confused about this part, though:
> I saw a list on her laptop of guys she’d been with and I only saw one year but there were around 10 so the list must have been 50 or so.
First off, did you have permission to go into this list on the laptop? If you didn’t, then why were you on there? That in itself is a sign that a relationship has majorly deteriorated.
Second, how do you figure that 10 hookups in one year equals 50 total? That math is just not adding up in my head and sounds like a random conclusion you’ve drawn.
And third, it doesn’t sound like she ever gave you a direct number that is now contradicted as an outright lie. It sounds like maybe you were under the impression that she had slept with less people than she actually had, but I’m unclear what the outright lie was. Maybe your post is just missing info and you have proof of a lie. At the very least, it sounds like she severely misled you.
That being said, again, it sounds like no matter what, you can’t reconcile what you thought you knew about her with what you’re learning about her, so that means this isn’t the girl for you.
You will get many responses to women’s numbers. But what I will say is lying is lying. If it matters to you, then so be it. She is still communicating with men who want to sleep with her. She doesn’t see anything wrong with that. Dude do yourself a favor and walk away from that one. She is already showing a lack or respect for you and settings healthy boundaries with others while in a relationship. You also have a different view in sex.
First, you have every right to feel off about the lie, how she’s reframed it to appear honest to herself. That’s weird—especially her also being in regular contact with someone she’s slept with before, who likely wants to sleep with her again. Past sexual partners aren’t an issue so much; it’s her eel-like dishonesty that spells trouble.
Sounds like you could find someone with better matched values.
Second, who cares how much sex she’s had?
By what standard are you equating sex and morality? Healthy sex is healthy sex. It’s not salt or sugar where too much (within reason) is bad for you. Biologically, you have a nil argument, and number tallies are arbitrary: someone can make 5 bad choices; another can make 50 good ones.
Moreover, it’s their past, not yours.
She’s allowed to enjoy sex with whomever she likes without having to worry about your future judgement, the sudden feeling of her being inferior just because she’s not as uptight about her sex life as you are. Which is most likely the reason she lied, by the way. She liked you and you suddenly give her an indulgent dissertation explaining in detail how far beneath you she is. You weren’t to know, but pretty easy to see she was only trying to meet your arbitrary high standards.
She has a right to her history but does not have a right to lie to you about it, especially when you made your feelings clear. You are clearly morally incompatible. It is best for you both to move on.
> She told me it’s not a lie if that’s how she views it now
Wow lmao, I am almost impressed at how brazen this justification for lying is. I view myself as Chris Evans’ wife so I guess it’s not a problem for me to break into his house and sleep in his bed since reality is whatever we want it to be in the moment.
Your girlfriend is a bold-faced liar and doesn’t even feel bad about it. Why would you stay with someone like this? It doesn’t matter how many people she’s slept with, but SHE’S the one who made it a huge deal within your relationship without prompting. Someone who lies so easily, thoroughly, and for no reason is not a person you’ll ever be able to trust.
You can trust her exactly 0%. Anything that happens after this moment it’s on you as much as in her as she’s made herself abundantly clear.
I actually feel like 15 is a lot. I can’t imagine 50+.
I think she was gouging where you stood on every matter before answering because she wanted to date you. It doesn’t excuse the fact that she lied to you, which is a huge issue in any relationship. She also manipulated you into dating her with the lies.
If you can’t trust her, you shouldn’t be with her. And you have very good reason not to.
It doesn’t matter what she’s lying about, she’s lying habitually, and you can’t believe anything she says. You can’t build a relationship with someone you can’t trust.
This is not the right woman for you if you’re the jealous type.
It would be one thing if she lied because she wants to put her past behind her and do things differently in future. But it sounds like her past is still very much a part of her present, with the way she’s texting other dudes, which means your relationship is doomed. She doesn’t respect your boundaries and she doesn’t actually value honesty (just tells you what you want to hear). She *does* have serious issues, though…
It seems pretty likely that she’ll cheat on you eventually, if she hasn’t done it already. Get out now.
Do like the frozen song says and let it go
I think it’s the lying that would bother me. She just telling you what you think you want to hear and it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not.
She’s lying to you and gaslighting you when u question her
> She told me it’s not a lie if that’s how she views
That’s exactly a lie of omission, where her made up definition is of course different than your question.
She intentionally lied, on something she knew was important to you.
My ex bf before my husband was with 50+ when I was with three before him. I had the info and made the decision to date him, because I can’t change the past. But he didn’t lie and trickle tell the truth.
We eventually broke up because he was cheating.
20+ years later, I can tell you with certainly. People view sex differently, some it’s a casual thing, some it’s not. The harder issue is being with someone that views it casually… cheating or open relationships are much easier for them mentally.
BTW, my biggest issue is she’s refusing to not talk to guys that want sex. Either she’s already cheating or keeping them in her back pocket
> she lost it and slapped me. I asked her again yesterday if we could try again and she said if I bring it up again we are over and I need therapy.
OP, this woman hit you and then told you therapy was needed. This is an abuser, get away. It will get crazier every minute you linger.
Wow, so she’s probably already sleeping with those other guys she texts. Seems like she’s very sexually liberal and decided to lie about her numbers to get you to like her/seem more compatible. She basically trapped you and now she’s “laying it all out there” for you:
1. Turns out she has goals to sleep with a lot of people. Wanting to sleep with “50 guys” like she thinks men do is her sad way of justifying sleeping with 50+ people.
2. She won’t respect any boundaries you set (aka stop talking with dudes who want to sleep with her).
On top of these things, and being manipulated, she also keeps a running list of guys she slept with? Holy shit my guy, seems like sex is her whole life. If you need to keep a written list of the guys you banged it probably means there’s too many to keep track of, and she keeps a list like some sort of weird trophy/tally. Wouldn’t be surprised if her and her girlfriends have a competition going…
You should just walk from this person. The foundation was built on lies and manipulation and it can’t get better from there.
Better luck next time OP I support you. It would be one thing to bring it up and be honest it is something else to bring it and then lie to fit the narrative