He is gay and I am bi and we’ve known each other for 6 years now. I was 18 when we met and in an incredibly bad state – I was an addict and a prostitute, living with very bad people. He saved my life.
We’ve lived together since we first met (I literally moved onto his couch the second time I met him). He supported me financially until I was able to get a job (he got me all of the [legal] jobs I’ve had). He introduced me to his friends, who are now mine too and his family, who are incredibly kind to me. He is the only person I truly trust and he was got me through everything. He has always defended me (even when doing so ruined relationship, which happened a few years ago). I’ve never understood why he is so incredible and I will never be able to repay the debt I owe him (and he would never let me). In the beginning I assumed he wanted sex but he didn’t – we never had sex until yesterday.
Over the years there have been instances where we could’ve had sex – where I wanted to and tried to and he always said no. He said he didn’t think of me like that, I think largely because he was scared of being like the people I hung around with when I was younger – older people that took advantage.
But we had sex yesterday. We were both a little drunk and had just got home from a party at a friend’s house and it just happened. I truly thought that he had changed his mind – that he realised that I was not the damaged kid I used to be and that I was truly okay with it and wanted it. And I did want it, I’d wanted it a lot for a long time. I was so happy.
When I woke up this morning he wasn’t home. I had a text from him about how sorry he was and how it should never have happened and he doesn’t know if he’ll ever forgive himself. I don’t understand. I wanted it. He is the best person I’ve ever met and he’s the only person who has ever actually, truly and selflessly cared about me. He said he can’t come home yet because he feels sick with himself for what he did.
He is treating it like he SA’d me. He did not. It was fully consensual.
I’ve tried to call him and reassure him that it’s okay but he won’t pick up because he said he feels awful. He asked me not to tell any of our friends because he thinks they’d look down on him (I don’t think they would). So I don’t know who to talk to because we share all our friends.
I really thought that last night was going to be the start of something but now he doesn’t even know if he can face me. It kills me to know he’s hurting. He didn’t do anything wrong and I’ve texted and voice messaged him this. I don’t know what to do. I want him to be happy.
Even if we never have sex again I don’t care, I just want him to feel better. How do I talk to him? How do I reassure him? Any advice would be very appreciated, I am lost.
Tl;Dr me and my best friend slept together and now he feels guilty
4 comments
He may still view you as his dependent or in his care in some ways. Are you paying 50% of rent and other household expenses?
If no, he doesn’t want your 50% to be paid with sex. And, if no, that’s a place for you to start in order to be a peer/partner instead of someone in his care.
Sounds like you need to talk to him and really get to the bottom of why he feels like what he’s done is wrong. There might be more to it than you are guessing. Ask him to explain so you can understand and tell him you want a chance to share your thoughts too. It will need to be an ongoing conversation.
If he’s willing to work on repairing what he thinks is broken, maybe you two can sit down with a therapist for a couple of sessions so he can see you’re in a good place. They could act as a “voice of reason” to help navigate the conversations.
Be willing to accept that he might not come around. But that he can still be a great person in your life. Good luck OP.
He’s known you since you were eighteen and in a bad place, he may be afraid that he’s accidentally groomed you. It’s completely normal for a young person to feel tremendous gratitude towards an older person for taking care of them the way he did you. He may feel that you want him out of that gratitude and isn’t comfortable with the power imbalance of you owing him.
Give him some space and let it work it out himself.