I have been a long time lurker and never thought the things I’ve read would happen in my current relationship. I always thought I would breakup with a guy who keeps sexual photos from exes, or is weird about the topic but now I am not sure what to do.
Some background, we have been together for a year. In the past, a few months into our relationship he told me he had a short clip of him and his ex having sex and that he came across it in his phone and it turned him on. I felt really uncomfortable with this and asked if he could please not look at that again while we were dating. I was okay with him keeping it because we were so early on in the relationship and I understand men like to keep those things.
Now one year in our relationship, last night my boyfriend was showing me something from years ago on his phone. As he was scrolling through the photos I saw a screenshotted snapchat of a girls ass in a thong. I have never before felt my heart drop like it did, it physically hurt. I asked him if he could delete this. He did. I also asked if he could delete the clip that he mentioned earlier in the relationship. He did it but was very cold with me for the rest of the night and didnt want physical contact.
In the morning, I asked him if he wanted to talk about it. He said I was controlling and unfair, that the content was from years ago. I said I dont think there is a need for that stuff now that we are in a serious relationship. He said its important to him for memories, but clarified that he doesnt jerk off to it. I argued that memories are very different from sexual memories, as he brought up that I have a photo of my ex and I from prom in highschool posted on my social media. He admitted that he wanted to keep it for selfish reasons. We argued some more about it and came to the point where we realised there is no resolution and to move past it.
But I can’t move past how he reacted. It really hurts my feelings that he was so upset with me because it seems he wants memoirs of the sex he has had with other girls. He seems perfectly fine now and I am trying my best to put on a happy front but in private I just want to cry.
I am scared that this is a sign he’s not done adventuring sexually. Which is fair because we are so young, but I really love him and would like a future with him. In the past he has also asked about threesomes and wanting to get a happy ending massage which are other signs that make me worried. I do think he feels serious about me but I think in future he would feel like he missed out, and has commented that a lot of his friends have had many more sexual encounters than him. At the same time he makes comments that make me think he feels he has lived a fulfilling life and would be happy with just me?
How do I move past this and think about it differently? Is it wrong of me to ask him to delete those photos?
TLDR: Asked boyfriend to delete sexual photos/videos from years ago. He did it but was very upset and called me controlling. I feel hurt and scared, not sure if I can continue the relationship even though I really love him.
6 comments
Is disrespectful knowing your feelings especially. His ex, unless she’s one of those gals that has no self-respect, wouldn’t like it either. If the videos are more important than your feelings, can you live with that? That’s up to you, nobody but you can know how you feel.
If it bothers you, all you can really do is break up. Asking him to delete anything isn’t going to solve anything. It doesn’t change who he is as a person. He’s the type of person that likes to keep photos like that. Making him delete the photos doesn’t change this, it will only make him feel resentful and like he’s being controlled by you.
Rather than ask him to delete them, just ask yourself if you can live with it or not. If you can’t live with it, then break up.
I hope you haven’t sent him any nudes, because now you know what he thinks about them.
So he’s making comments that contradict each other? That he’s interested in threesomes and happy ending massages (i.e. sex workers) but also that he’d just be happy with you?
> I understand men like to keep those things.
This is a myth. No men as a whole do not keep nudes from exes.
Also him telling you it turned him on is him pushing hard on your boundaries and disrespecting you.
Don’t date this dude.
Also a guy who is serious about you doesn’t mope about deleted nudes and doesn’t ask to visit happy ending massage parlors. If you are looking for a loyal and monogamous relationship, this ain’t it.
You had every right to ask him to delete it. What he did was disgusting. When a relationship ends so does the consent to keep photos and videos sent during that relationship and any person with a shred of decency should have deleted all of them the moment the relationship ended. The fact he kept them and was using them to get off while being with you is cheating. And then he has the audacity to call you controlling. What you should have done was inform his ex he still has her photos as well. Your bf is a slime bag. You feel awful cause you know that. As you said you’re both still very young. Do you really want to spend your life with that douche?