Lately it feels as though dating and relationship subs are filled with dilemmas involving casual dating and FWB situations. Pretty often the situation sours when one person finds that their partner is distancing themselves or dropped them for a “better option.” And when they go online to post, people always chastise them for “catching feelings” and saying that it’s their problem for developing attachment in a casual situation.
The thing is, it also feels like a lot of people these days don’t want to invest in anything beyond casual dating so it’s the most commonly available option, even when people claim they are looking for something more. It’s also seemingly the safest opportunity because you can secure someone’s attention, time, sex, etc. and not have to worry about being considered a jerk if you decide to abruptly leave them (“You knew it was casual from the start!”).
As long as you call it casual/FWB, you’re allowed to walk away at any moment with your reputation still clean. If you had been in a committed relationship and suddenly dropped your partner because a “better option” came along, you would risk being called sleazy, unfaithful, maybe even a cheater. Nobody wants to feel like they are a cheater or would betray someone close to them–but there are so many aspects of the casual dating culture that seems to enable and normalize this type of behavior, by telling people that you want a “get out of jail free” ability to leave/”cheat” if you find better options.
I don’t know if this is a fair way to view these situations. I’m just a little appalled seeing so many people on Reddit accuse hurt OPs of being at fault in these situations.
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Normalizing freedom of choice seems like a good thing. Forcing yourself to stay in a relationship for fear of societal judgement is a trend that can die with our parents’ generation. People, especially women, are less likely to settle for bad relationships these days. No one should be making decisions about their own lives based on worries about their “reputation”. (Who even has a reputation besides famous people, anyway?)
Counterpoint: if you don’t want a casual/FWB relationship, don’t get into one. If you start one expecting the other person to change, you’re the one being dishonest.
If you wanted a FWB but you catch feels and don’t tell the other person, you’re still the one being dishonest.
If you want commitment, don’t settle.
I’m more traditional, I don’t do casual. So men that only look for casual sex will not get far with me. They will get bored if that’s what they’re seeking.
I’m also clear with what I’m looking for, example: marriage minded, long term, potential kid, etc.
I don’t feel it’s the seeker of these FWB problem, it’s the other person, they need to do more vetting, if you see guys/girls that don’t want what you want, next.
If you want a committed relationship, maybe wait to be exclusive till you have sex, etc.
I’m shocked sometimes when I get messages from guys that are like…hey I’m not looking for X and X but maybe we can get drinks???
I dont even respond. People need to stop “taking” what they can get, and wait for something they want.
I’m not sure what you’ve seen on Reddit, but casual dating should be ok. People need to have the option of not committing at first bc you don’t know what you’re really committing to yet.
Cheating isn’t ok, but it’s going to happen regardless of dating trends. It’s complicated, but some examples are: Using people. Fear of change. Your culture doesn’t approve of divorce, but the marriage truly sucks. Ending casual dating wouldn’t fix any of that.
Cheaters have always been around. Always will be. I do see more people being ok with people deciding to not be in exclusive relationships. I’m ok with that even though it’s not for me. If anything, making some people think they need to commit to one person will cause more cheating bc if they can’t get any unless they’re in a relationship what do you think they’ll do?
It’s a fine lifestyle for people who want to live it honestly.
>Am I the only one who feels that casual dating is normalizing unfaithful/”cheating” behaviors?
I think it prevents/stymies anything serious from ever developing.
As someone who’s strictly monogamous and LTR-oriented, I don’t ever get involved in any situationships or casual dating, and I don’t date anyone who does (including multi-dating). Wildly incompatible approaches to intimacy, they are usually emotionally unavailable (even when they claim they are not), and the thought of someone being emotionally and sexually intimate with others is a total turn off.
No. I am not casually dating myself, nor I have much experience with that anyway. Still, it is normalizing casual dating as agreed between parties involved. Not cheating or being unfaithful.
Any sort of relationship is, or at least it should be, between what the partners agree upon. Whether it is casual dating, hookups, polyamorous relationship, marriage, polygamy or whatever.
You don’t want to be in a casual/fwb relationship? Don’t be in one.
I feel the opposite. I used to feel locked in and trapped going into a new relationship, like it was all or nothing from the start. Now, starting as casual dating I can let things grow organically. I feel like now, when I find the one, I’m all in and I feel affair-proof because I’ve found someone that fits so well.
Tried the casual thing in my mid 20’s…it was disastrous. It doesn’t seem to be an issue until intimacy comes into play. Society has downplayed the value of individuals bodies while they get paid a ton to do it. Ladies and gents, value yourselves and create a new standard of morals for your generation. Otherwise it will continue down a path of materialism that feeds off of individuals ability to care for one another. In my opinion there’s nothing wrong with finding things aesthetically pleasing, but there is something wrong when it’s only to please others off the presumption it will keep people competitive in a meat market.
>As long as you call it casual/FWB, you’re allowed to walk away at any moment
You’re always allowed to walk away at any moment.
>with your reputation still clean
Breaking up with someone because you no longer want to be with them is not a stain on anyone’s reputation.
>If you had been in a committed relationship and suddenly dropped your partner because a “better option” came along, you would risk being called sleazy, unfaithful, maybe even a cheater.
No. If I break up with you and start dating someone else, I’m am not unfaithful or a cheater. That’s an egregious overreach. It’s also not sleazy (corrupt, immoral) to break up with you if i want to date someone else.
Honestly, the language you’re using here is overboard in a way that sounds like you are trying to shame people for having and ending casual relationships. They aren’t cheaters or sleazy.
I’m not sure what your real end goal is with this post, but the way you’re going about it is objectionable either way.
>As long as you call it casual/FWB, you’re allowed to walk away at any moment with your reputation still clean. If you had been in a committed relationship and suddenly dropped your partner because a “better option” came along, you would risk being called sleazy, unfaithful, maybe even a cheater.
Yes.
>culture that seems to enable and normalize this type of behavior, by telling people that you want a “get out of jail free” ability to leave/”cheat” if you find better options.
You don’t have to accept the get out of jail free card. If you do accept it then it’s not cheating because they have a get out of jail free card.
>people always chastise them for “catching feelings” and saying that it’s their problem for developing attachment in a casual situation.
It should be no one’s fault for catching feelings in a casual relationship – it’s pretty likely to happen. It’s not their partner’s fault either. They just need to stop seeing each other and it’s the person who caught the feelings who needs to make that change happen. It’s no one’s fault but it’s their responsibility.
Depends on what your “relationship” goal is. When I was dating my profile basically said my goal was to find a LTR, but in the meantime I’m open to casual dates….
In a two year period I had over 200 dates, then finally found a woman that I wanted to be exclusive with and have been for the last two-plus years.
If you are being honest with yourself in what you want and your dates do the same there is no harm done. Sure you are going to catch feelings for someone that doesn’t ultimately meet what you want, and ending those are hard, but ultimately are the right thing to do to move towards your goal.
For those of you that think the one relationship you’ve had that goes bad…get a tissue and a hug and move on. You have an endless supply of love if you want to use it!
I think technology and social media has disrupted the dating market and because of that we’re seeing an increase in more ruthless dating practices.
The “dating market” now seems so polarized between two extremes. It’s extremely difficult to navigate.
Personally, I love the idea of a relationship starting off casual… and us enjoying eachother’s time, sex, and company so much that it progresses into a serious relationship more organically.
It never seems to happen like that though.
I’m a bi woman, and on the men’s side… If you start out a casual partner, 99/100 times that’s exactly where it’s staying. Not to mention these dudes refuse to get tested (yes I use condoms), don’t want to reciprocate oral, don’t want to even get to know that woman on a personal level.
On the F side, it’s the exact opposite. One date, and if the woman likes me she wants to lock it down asap. Talking about a future when I don’t even know her that well. I just want to gradually build a connection.
You’ve got half your pool of options desperate for a relationship that they care more about the checklist than you, and the other half that are very excited to use your body as a living fleshlight and then kick ya out the door.
Lord help us.
The combination of OLD suggesting there are always better options and the expectation that you have sex before you decide to see someone regularly makes it extremely easy for people who just want casual sex and nothing else. But it seems a lot of people will run that risk rather than allow themselves to develop feelings for someone they haven’t already tested out sexually.