Our day to day is good but we have underlying issues. Over the past year, my partner has been navigating mental health needs. I’ve been on the receiving end of name calling (selfish, narcissist, lazy). When I set a boundary or try to express my feelings in response, it backfires. The story spins that I am overreacting and hanging on one moment to create a narrative in my head. There is little to no empathy, no reassurance, more of a “you should seek help” response. There is a breakdown of communication that keeps cycling. I don’t feel heard, their mind is made up that they are right and won’t let me speak. I’m starting to shut down. What do I do?
I feel gaslit. I feel they are struggling and projecting this onto me. They are exerting dominance and making me question myself regularly. Leaving isn’t an option – we need to get through this.
1 comment
Leaving is always an option. The only thing removing it leads to is a toxic dynamic intensifying to the point of outright abuse.
If they are struggling they need to seek professional help. Currently communication has completely broken down, with them relying on aggression and harsh language then dismissive language to throw situations back in your face, deflect and derail any actual reflection. The more they reinforce that tactic the less likely they will meaningfully improve. A therapist should be able to give them healthier emotional regulation strategies or perhaps help them interpret and deal with the core issue driving the symptoms.
Reality is it should only take pointing out to them that even if you were somehow being unreasonable that doesn’t change that their inclination towards aggression and reactiveness would be reasonable to get them to reflect. I worry that you’re aware that will fall on deaf ears, though.
But if this continues, if it just cycles over and over it will become a feedback loop especially if and when you break. You’ll either stop resisting, and they will just use you as a punching pillow or you’ll react aggressively and become the kind of person you don’t want to be. Do not underestimate this or the potential for it to become a trauma bond.