Bf and I have been dealing with intimacy problems for a while. I am demi-sexual, and my sexual desire is almost entirely response driven- I need to get revved up to be in the mood. We talked about it again today, and he was asking me why I don’t find him attractive.. he seems to think that’s how I feel, since I don’t really initiate sex with him. I tried explaining to him that I need stimulation to get going, I need to get that drive going with some stimulus, I don’t always just “feel horny”. None of that seems to be acceptable to him, as he says “Well, that puts everything on me”. I suppose it does in a way, but how exactly am I supposed to change that about myself? I tried showing some articles to him, to get him to understand, since he seems to think I’m “making that up”. He won’t read them, and has since told me he’s going to start seeing someone else, since he can’t get anything out of me. I thought we loved each other, and were willing to work with one another.. What am I supposed to do?
TLDR: Bf doesn’t want to get me in the mood, says he’s going to start seeing other people.
6 comments
In short, you seem sexually incompatible. My understanding of demisexuality is that you need an emotional bond to have a sexual attraction to someone (feel free to correct me with sources to read from).
He’s well within his right to find someone he is more sexually compatible with, as are you. You say you are trying to get him to understand you but it sounds like you’re only looking at it that way. Your argument is “this is how I am, what can I do? You should be understanding to me” but can’t the same argument be said for him? He wants someone who can initiate too?
If you want to make this work, you have to make as much effort understanding him, just as much as you want him to understand you.
Leave him and find a partner who isn’t a lazy & entitled prick in bed.
One of his emotional needs may be feeling desired by his partner or at least feeling like his partner is making an effort to make him feel desired some of the time. If you initiate, do you end up feeling it as you guys get into it? Can you get revved up feeling like you are giving him pleasure? If not, this might be too much of an incompatibility thing.
The best thing you can do here is let him go.
OP I’m like you. Demi and mostly responsive. I feel like the biggest problem here is his actions/words. He’s killing any bond and your ability to be emotionally vulnerable with him by making “threats” going to find someone else – and I’m sure similar sentiment leading up to this. Plenty of couples are matched responsive and spontaneous desires so I wouldn’t just chalk it up to being incompatible. He does need to make an effort to understand how your body works and being unwilling is the bigger flag here. If you can get to this point (or want to bother after his threat??) you can find yourselves more balanced. My SO knows what I need, I know his language too and when we provide for each other, my libido goes into overdrive. We can maintain intimacy in a way that makes me feel in constant responsive desire – if that makes sense.
Find someone who you are compatible with. Him too.