I’m going to try and keep this as short as possible but there’s a lot to it so thank you if you make it all the way.
Myself (23F) and my boyfriend (23M) just started having sex for my very first time 2 days ago. I was super excited and know I put the action on a pedestal of sorts because we’ve been exploring what my asexuality looks like, but nonetheless we discussed reality and expectations in the days and weeks leading up to it so that I wouldn’t be confused or alarmed. For basic background, his last relationship was with a girl who has had a kid so it’s supposed she’s “looser”. That being said, for my very first time, I didn’t finish, I wasn’t even close. We blamed my headspace and that I was focusing too much on working through the pain and excitement about finishing… despite the fact that it took him maybe 5 minutes. The second time which was the same day and after talking about it more and addressing communication from me, I was extremely close, but he finished just before I could, and then I was left stranded… again (and it was maybe 7-8 minutes). Now back to the last girlfriend, he’s told me forever that they could last for well over an hour before either finished, and that he very quickly learned to put her first as a sort of competition with himself, but yet can’t last 10 minutes with me. I was hesitant the third time because the first two were just not happening, but he proposed that we have just “fun sex” and enjoy the journey rather than the destination, thinking that would help us both, we tried, and despite my attempts to make it funny and engaging, he seemed solely focused on the action and once again left me stranded after 5 minutes. At this point I’m 0-3 and having to comfort his bruised ego while I’m once again blamed for my lack of communication, and stifling my real hurt feelings. For some reason I thought the fourth time would be different because I figured how to communicate my preferences but you’ll never guess what happened.
I’m 0-4, sad, frustrated, guilt-ridden and dissociating because this was an important step in my self discovery within the asexuality spectrum but now I’m also having to nurse the feelings of a man who told me he knew what he was doing (instead of showing my true feelings) in order to make him more comfortable and reassuring that as long as it’s fun it doesn’t matter (though I know the destination matters to me).
If anyone has any kinds of positive critiques or suggestions pls lmk, I’m at a loss and it’s ruined my whole week at this point because now I don’t know that I want to try it again just to be left stranded for a fifth time.
TL:DR Had first time sex with someone who has experience, still has never finished and am at a loss of what to do or feel.
4 comments
What part of the ACE spectrum are you. I personally am demisexual, so I’m only able to have sex with people I have an emotional attachment to, and even then I need to have very strong sexual chemistry, or desire to even have sex most of the time, let alone get off.
I’ve only found that in my ex (?)
Your frustration is natural. Because he is not giving you attention that is neccesary to reach your destination. And I find it lame from him to not even try to finish the job. Ask what would you prefer and try actively to make you cum. Because girls require more work than a guy and you got a tongue, fingers and of course setting up the mood with compliments, funny remarks and so on. So he might have a frail ego from what you said and needs a hard whip of telling him he sucks, which might make him run and break the relationship or telling him with a light ultimatum that you dont want sex anymore since you can’t reach orgasm and don’t find a point in doing it, if he isn’t going to improve his attitude is better to dump him, cause he doesn’t give enough of a damn.
Take care of your own emotional state before taking care of someone else’s. He can’t be blamed for not lasting long enough for you to finish nor can you be blamed for not being able to perfectly verbalise what you enjoy most in sex on your first tries. However he is definitely wrong to not even try to give you orgasm after he has finished and you are wrong for not telling him directly and honestly that you want it. I know it’s not romantic and can be hurtful but truth is the nessesary foundation for any stable relationship (sexual or not).
There’s… a lot going on with this. Why are throwing shade at someone with a kid?
The whole idea of trying this like it’s a sports game and not a symphony is misguided.
Others can cover other points but the best thing you can ever do for yourself is to place yourself in charge of your own climax, and idk, that may take practice too. Then you can start directing your partner, and after that it should become more spontaneous.
He’s clearly not a great lover yet, but everyone starts somewhere?