TLDR
Gf of 3 years has to move out of her parents house, wants me to do so too with her but I’m conflicted about it.
Me and my gf of 3 years, both live with our parents. she is a student and I’m working a full time job, we live a few minutes away from each other.
She was basically told to find her own place since she can’t stop arguing with her parents about politics and veganism (her parents take everything personally in those fields, and she can’t hold herself from taking baits on those topics), bottom line she has to move out.
She told me she wants me to move out as well and if I don’t we are over, because she says it won’t workout between us if she rents alone or with roommates.
Thing is, this is a very big deal for me for multiple reasons.
– I make a very decent wage but I hoped to save as much as I can while I’m young and making money to afford my future house and what not, and it’s expensive to start renting a whole apartment and bills etc.
– I wanted some more time at home with my family before moving out, idk if that’s me being childish but I just feel like that’s what I want
– big commitment. Yes we are 3 years together but I’m not sure about this relationship enough. I love her, and I enjoy our time together, but moving out with her feels like we are either getting married or breaking up, and even though she always talked about getting married at 25-26, now she says otherwise and I think it’s just so we stay together even if it’s not what she really wants..
I cant imagine us separating or my life without her right now, and I also know that there are a bunch of reasons in favor of moving in with her (privacy, our own place to do whatever we want, etc) but it feels like having a gun pointed at my head – “make a decision”.
I know it’s maybe egotistical of me, that I only stay with her because it’s easy and comfortable for me at the moment, but it’s easier said than done to just break up while everything is supposedly fine, and I don’t wanna break up yet (yet as in – we maybe can last forever even if I have my doubts, not as in I’m someday for sure breaking up with her.. still figuring it out)
I need more time to assess whether or not I want to be with her for life or not, and I know it might not be that big of a deal but like, moving in together and only moving out if we break up, is that not a big saying?
This is hard to explain..
I hope anyone could give me some advice and how you see this situation, not a common one I guess? Idk.
Thanks 🙂
25 comments
> Yes we are 3 years together but I’m not sure about this relationship enough.
To me this is the part of your post that stood out the most. She’s asking you to commit on a deeper level (which is normal and not unreasonable three years in) while you are unsure about her to begin with. You are on two completely different pages and I think you need to do some serious introspection about what you actually want here. You are well within your rights to not want anything serious, with her or in general, but she needs to know exactly where you stand. I suspect she doesn’t know how you truly feel and to be completely honest with you, it sounds like you may be stringing her along. Time to be completely honest, lay your cards on the table and respect her own right to choose if this relationship is still right for her or not.
Hi there.
You’ve hit the first real test of your commitment to her after three years and don’t want to do it.
So be kind and respectful and let her go.
>She was basically told to find her own place since she can’t stop arguing with her parents about politics and veganism
Ha, this is such a refreshing thing to hear. You see so many posts on this subreddit about parents who won’t throw their entitled kids in their 20s (and often 30s) out, despite the fact it’s *clearly* time for them to go.
It’s nice to hear that some parents do look at the screaming, squealing 20+ year old who really should be in their own place if they want to behave that way, and actually do the rational thing and throw them out.
For your part, you’ve dated a woman who is prepared to say this – “unless you pay to subsidize my lifestyle, I’m going to break up with you”. What this appears to have made you realize is that you weren’t *that* hot on dating her to begin with, and so the threat to end things has fallen really flat.
For what it’s worth, if you refuse to move out she isn’t going to force you. I don’t think she’ll follow-through on her threat, and it sounds to me like you wouldn’t care either way.
So, whilst I don’t think it says great things about your character (or hers), I can only suggest you call her bluff – tell her that you’re not going to move in with her. None of the outcomes of that action seem like they’d be particularly troubling to you.
It sounds like there are deeper issues in the relationship that need to be addressed before making such a big commitment. Have an honest conversation with your girlfriend about your concerns and see if you can come to a compromise that works for both of you.
If you’re not ready to move out, you’re not ready to move out. Her choice then becomes either wait for you, or don’t.
She’s right. If you’re still wanting to stay with mommy and daddy, you’re not ready for a committed adult relationship. She was going to break up with you over it eventually, but her circumstances have changed and she’s giving you one chance.
It seems like you just want her for sex and comfort anyway, just find another girl.
If you aren’t sure of her after three years then break up although it’s inconvenient to you. Otherwise you are stringing someone along.
3 years and you’re still not sure? Maybe you should stop wasting her time. It’s time to be an adult and commit to your relationship with her, or let her move on. It seems like a reasonable time to start building your life together if you actually want to be with her.
Stay put. You have a wonderful game plan and good reasons for staying home with your folks right now. If her own parents want her OUT——-I am sure more in store than theseee Few things were about. They would need to take her butt to court to get her evicted anyways. Tell her how you feel. If she doesn’t like It——Then you decide if she is worth taking a further ride. I see a gun and more at your head. Her tugging your kind heartstrings. I also see a big mistake if you pack one bag. Good Luck.
You’ve both tacitly declared the state of the relationship- sounds like one of you just needs to call it
Moving in with someone is a huge commitment. If you have any doubts don’t do it. I think it is extremely smart to stay at home and save as long as you can. That gives you a best egg for when things come up on the future. Your girlfriend giving you an ultimatum about your relationship and moving in together is way, way out of line. Her doing that would have me seriously rethinking the whole relationship anyway. Stay strong and make the decision that is right for you.
I dont know too much about what kind of person she or you are, but it sounds like to me youre not 100% comfortable or ready to move in with her. Personally I wouldnt want someone forcing me to do sth I wasnt 100% comfortable with, nor do I think a relationship will last if I forced others to do things for me that they might mot end up being happy about.
Think of it this way, if you did move in with her rn, while youre having these doubts, do you think its possible that you might resent her for making you do this? Will you take 100% of the responsibility and blame if you find you didnt like your situation anymore and regret moving in with her? Or will some part of you blame her as well? If you do blame her your relationship will only get worse and bitter. Of course, you could also discover you end up liking it, in which case its no problem, case closed. But you have to look at the risks of both decisions and decide which one you are willing to be okay with potentially happening to you.
The other thing I want you to think about is have either of you thought about alternatives that will make both of you happy? To do that you first have to understand what it is she actually wants out of you moving in with her, and why she wants them. She’s stressed and panicking about her living situation, and youre stressed and panicked about her ultimatum. If she is willing to talk, sit her down and ask her why she feels your relationship wont survive if she lived with flatmates/alone. Is it a money issue and she wants you to help her financially by sharing rent, or is it because she’s concerned she wont have enough time to spend with you trying to work to pay rent on her own? How would you moving in with her help your relationship prevent a breakup? Are there other ways you can address these issues? If it’s okay with you and your parents, ask if is she willing to move in your parents house at least until you feel ready to move out.
Be clear about your doubts and thoughts, let her know you dont feel 100% on board with the idea of moving in just yet and if you do move in together out of her pressuring you, youre worried it might affect the health and longevity of your relationship. Youre telling her no not because you dont love her, but because this is your way of trying to perserve the relationship by not allowing the chance of a future bitterness being created, caused by one person feeling like they were forced by the other to make a major uncomfortable change. Reassure her you do love her, that you not being ready to move out is not a reflection of your commitment to her in anyway, it’s out of what you think is best for the stability of your future. At the same time, make sure to listen to her worries and fears and be empathetic of them, and try to find something both are okay to compromise on. However it goes both ways, if she refuses to understand from your pov, I’m afraid you should re-evaluate whether you want to be with someone who doesnt respect your concerns and disregards your worries.
She doesn’t “have” to move out. She just wont quit arguing with the people supporting her. Her ultimatum to you should give you a clue how living with her will be like.
Its hard to save for a house while paying rent. She us a full time student, and will absolutely expect you to pay all the bills.
So I say go ahead and move in with her because some of us have to learn the hard way. Make sure you get a month to month lease. And try not to get her pregnant.
Your GF is trying to make you pay for her problems.
I don’t see this as a relationship test at all….how does her getting kicked out by her parents become your problem? Why does that mean you need to alter your entire life plans?
Besides if she is so disagreeable that her parents can’t stand living her why do you think you would?
My guy fear of being alone should not be the reason you stay in a relationship. Sounds like this is a ridiculous end to your relationship.
I think you should refuse to move in with her, and probably break up. If you’re not sure you want to marry her after 3 years, you don’t. More than that she’s a full time student and you work full time and she’s demanding you move out with her and completely rejecting the idea of living alone or with roommates for no stated reason. I can only assume she plans on you paying the bills, because I don’t see how she can.
You could absolutely date her while she lives alone or with roommates. She’d trying to manipulate you into getting an apartment together because it would be a lot cheaper to split it, there is no reason it should lead to a breakup. I would just stay solid on your boundary that you do not want to move out right now. How she responds to that will determine whether you should stay with her or not.
She’s giving you an ultimatum about your relationship because her behavior has made her current living situation untenable. That’s a red flag, honey, don’t do it.
Also, you should live alone before moving in with somebody, that way you have a chance to learn how to do it without the complications of having to please a partner. The is a learning curve.
Go with your first instinct – they’re usually right. Don’t move in with her.
Why is your gf not mature enough to not be able to keep herself from arguing with her parents about politics and veganism?
yea I actually kind of agree with her.
you’re both making some fair points… saving up is very nice.
but also I believe in dating with intent. 3 years is a very generous timeline to move in together. you need to escelate the relationship if you want to keep it.
If you aren’t sure after THREE YEARS then stop wasting her time and peace out already.
I went through a similar issue with my bf at that age, dumped him, and moved in with roommates. It was a good decision on my part.
Idgaf if someone told me that I’d leave. Especially if her parents are providing free rent and food and she just can’t suck it up. Like just be in your room all day or go for a walk or get a job or go to school. So many things can be done to avoid conflict. She’s not mature and not an adult. You need to leave her especially if breaking up is her first option. She doesn’t love you for doing this along with pressuring you
This is really hard, but I think if you give into this, you are setting a precedent that you will comply with when push comes to shove, and that’s not really truly good situation.
I’m not saying to separate, but I feel like having such strong stances on whatever that you can’t live with your parents than that does not bode super well for future disagreements you might have together… which is 6 say the least.
Yeah break up with her. She sounds so insufferable. Always arguing about politics and veganism to the point her parents kicked her out. You don’t want that craziness to live with you.
I think it’s really odd that she feels like she can be with you when she’s arguing with her parents all the time, but throw people who don’t know you in the mix, and suddenly you can’t make it work? Like if anything I would think that roommates who don’t care would make it easier for you to spend time together so I’m not sure what it will matter?
The only thing that makes sense is she either she thinks you are serious and she expects you to help her out, or she wants you for a piggy bank. Since it’s an ultimatum, I am inclined to think the later. She’s probably seeing the writing on the wall with her parents and she desperate to get something lined up that fits her needs more, and that’s you pay the bills.
Anyway, You’re 22, not 16. If you don’t see her being long term, it’s better to just let this slide. She already set out the terms, all you have to do is nothing, and she’s gone. Based on your writing it doesn’t sound like you’re all that serious about her. Like nothing is wrong, but you’re not really all that excited about it, the vibe isn’t there. Between the decisions and you not being crazy about her, and that she might be toxic in her own right, might be better to just stay at home and let her be.