TLDR: I don’t know if I’m genuinely in love with my boyfriend and just healing from past trauma or if I’m not that into him.
Okay, backstory. I had a bad break up in mid December with a guy (24M) I was really, really into, sparks and all. It only lasted for two months, but I never felt like that towards anyone before. It didn’t work out (and it’s for the best, he ended up treating me like crap in the end even though in the beginning it was great), but I finally realized I have anxious attachment and always go for unavailable, avoidant men. I decided that needs to stop.
Fast forward to the last day of January. I randomly meet a guy in a club. He’s 9 years older than me and a polar opposite to the people I used to date in the past. We start going out, he’s very secure, open about his feelings, situated, looking for something serious and acting accordingly.
We started being exclusive quite early on and on paper this new relationship is everything I want. However, the ‘spark’ I felt with my ex isn’t there. It’s a much more quiet kind of affection from my side, whereas he seems to be head over heels in love with me.
My new boyfriend is a great man, I respect him and find him handsome, charming and funny. I like spending time with him and I feel great when I’m around him. I see this relationship going somewhere and I feel like there’s a future there. But every time when the relationship gets a bit deeper, I also paradoxically feel a need to flee.
This weekend, he told me he loved me. I’m not there yet, but I reciprocated anyways since I think I just need some more time, but I definitely think he said it too soon (we’ve only been dating for two months). Also, I felt a need to run when he said it, even though I rationally know that that’s might just be a trauma response rather than a genuine need to be away from him. Either way, I can’t stop overthinking my feelings for him.
I don’t know why I act this way, since I craved this type of commitment from a man forever and now that I finally have it, I feel like it’s not enough. Like I crave the unhealthy love bombing type of connection I experienced with my ex more than a healthy long lasting relationship.
Am I the avoidant here, just needing more of a slower pace? Am I still hung up on my ex a bit? Or am I just not into my new boyfriend, mixing up a feeling of security with true romantic feelings? What do you think?
4 comments
This is a perfect question for a therapist.
Are the “sparks” you’re looking for by any chance the “sparks” from drama and chaos within the relationship? Some people mistake lack of drama for lack of attraction.
If you don’t feel any chemistry for this guy, that’s different. You won’t be more attracted to him in 6 months. It’s also very likely that you started dating too quickly after getting out of the other relationship.
If this is a pattern for you, where you need “sparks and drama”, a therapist is a good idea.
Here’s the thing with abusive relationships. The lows are really low, but it makes the highs feel soooooo high. When you’re operating inside a more functional relationship, you don’t get those euphoric highs because there’s nothing fucked up going on to drive you up that high. Unfortunately, for people habituated to abuse, they can find healthy relationships boring or unfulfilling. I’m *not* saying abused people deserve to be abused more, just that they’ve had particular behavioral reinforcement and can struggle to break that.
Your desire to flee every time there’s additional commitment is a hallmark of avoidant attachment. Likely, because you are not being confronted with an avoidant person every day, your anxious attachment isn’t activated. It’s common to have disorganized attachment, which is basically traits of either end of the spectrum emerging based on the situation. I see you don’t have access to therapy which sucks, so I recommend the book Attached by Heller and Levine. It may have some information to help you and be a jumping off point for you.
I was like you at your age. I think its ok to tell him you are at a slower pace. Tell him it freaked you out a bit, that you like him, and you want to tell him you love him when the time is right. Tell him about your attachment style. Tell him all the nice things you’re telling us- funny, respect, etc.
Hell i still feel it sometimes, getting close to someone and wanting to flee. But for me its because i have a hard time believing anyone would actually like me and want to stay. Up to you to find out why you feel like fleeing, is it insecurity or your gut giving you red flags.
Also 1 month is enough wait time for a 2-3 mo relationship.
Edit- i met a really stable, emotionally secure person. I feel sparks and secure, i just have to let myself fall into the security, fall into the trust. Is there a spark your afraid to feel? For a long time i was convinced i was only into it if the feelings werent reciprocated. I was wrong. I not only feel sparks, security, I’ve never liked someone more than i do now.