Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/uc6prt/my_29f_fianc%C3%A9_28m_wants_me_to_get_rid_of_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Thank you for all the support on the post, as a Reddit user myself I did not see my story as interesting and didn’t expect it to get so much attraction. I tend to overexplain so if this gets too long feel free to skim but I will try to sum it up. My fiancé is a paramedic, works 4 days on 3 days off, and he just got back this afternoon so I was able to talk to him in time.
I am really bad with communication but I sat my fiancé down and explained how important both him and my cat are to him. I won’t go into depth cause that’ll take awhile but he admitted he underestimated my bond with her. He also admitted he lashed out with the ultimatum and doesn’t expect me to give up my cat under any circumstance but he does wanna come up with some schedule, so she will not be allowed in the bedroom without some sort of supervision. We are also gonna replace the closet doors with something she can’t push open with her head as that’s how she resorted to finding his stuff once we hid it.
He is an active Reddit user and somewhere along the line I let my post slip and after some convincing, I showed him. He was not upset and he appreciated both comments on his side and on my side. I didn’t even realize people were siding with people, I assumed everyone was neutral but I guess it was obvious and I missed it!
As for the abuse, he never hurt her. Aside from being a dick for awhile until I stopped him, he didn’t abuse her. I understand where the comments are coming from 100% and obviously on some dumb Reddit post I can’t convince anyone cause like I said in a comment, tale as old as time saying “he would never hurt anyone!!” about a man, but rest assured after our conversation I know he wouldn’t hurt her. I talked to the vet over the phone about this and it’s definitely just jealousy on my cat’s part.
I want to clear up the misconception in the comments that I let her ruin his stuff for 6 months straight. No, I have taken an active interest in stopping her. After knowing someone, cat or human, for 12 years you learn their hates, loves, likes, dislikes.. She hates leashes and specifically walks. Whenever she does bad I put the leash on her as a warning. Another offense.. Full blown walk. I’ve walked her at 3am just to prove to her I’m serious. Her attacking his stuff stopped more and more and now it happens maybe once or twice a month. Obviously it happening at all is bad but a decrease from nearly everyday, to rarely happening at all is improvement.
Another thing I wanted to mention was the comments about how she’s just a cat, cat’s aren’t family, people over cats, etc. I understand why many don’t see their pets as their family but I do. My cat was all I had for awhile. My parents and I went no communication went no communication from 2014-2016, I was unable to work and was on disability so I didn’t get out, I didn’t have friends… All I had was my cat. Trigger warning for suicide next. 9 years ago I was going to end my life and I won’t go into details but I heard my cat’s “hungry meow” and I realized I could not leave her. I’m only here today because of her. She is my family the same way if I had a kid, it’d be my family. My fiancé and I have both agreed on no kids, I don’t think I could handle a human with my autism and it’s a fear of mine I’m not willing to face, and he grew up with many young siblings so he doesn’t like kids. My cat and I have been through more than most young couples in college have been through, to put it in perspective. Cat cancer scares, injuries on both of our parts, we’ve watched shows together (though she may not understand it!), all in all she is my family and if you don’t see your cat as family, no biggie. But I do. Respect that.
Finally, my fiancé pointed out and I agreed that many of you fail to take my autism into account in this post. I don’t mean that in a “treat me better I’m disabled!!” kinda way, but autism does shape how you interpret things, act, feel, etc. A few of you with autism who commented really made my day so if you have autism and mentioned it in the comments, just know I definitely saw them and appreciate it! I don’t understand Reddit’s voting system, and how I interact with people often comes off as rude even when I just tried to make a statement. That’s something I won’t apologize for since I mentioned my autism right off the bat and I’m not obligated to educate people on my existence. I’m not neurotypical and my fiancé knows it, he’s known it from the start and a lot of the comments just seemed like they weee treating me like I’m neurotypical and have the same advantages and disadvantages neurotypical people do. That also effects how I get along with people and as some pointed out, many people with autism find connecting with people without autism to be very difficult and often find comfort and connection in animals. That’s how I am with my cat and my fiancé has known this from the start!!
Other stuff was said that I’m definitely missing. If I forgot something and you’re wondering feel free to comment here, I’ll reply and answer when I can! Thank you for all the replies and honestly this was the first post of mine to get removed due to too much attention so despite the circumstances this kinda made my day. Have a lovely night !
14 comments
I just read your other post, good luck with the cat. I brought home my new baby, and my fur baby cat started to act out by:
1. Sh*tting on the floor
2. Sh*tting in the bathtub
2. Sh*tting in the dog’s bed
3. Sh*tting on top of the cooker
He was OK after a few months though so hopefully yours will be too!
I’m glad it worked out positively and that you two came to a compromise!
I’m glad communication saved the day. The only thing I’d like to add is: isn’t it dangerous to go for a walk at 3 a.m.? While I know not everywhere is a shithole, it’s still better to avoid taking that risk if you can. Try to find some other constructive ways of punishment, if you must.
Oh, that is good news. Well done, OP.
OP, I had a big, hulking terror of a ginger cat when my fiancé and I first moved in together. He’d scream whenever my fiancé hugged me, and once shat in the bed RIGHT NEXT TO MY POOR GUY when I was away overnight. My fiancé was understandably livid and was very much “no more cats ever” at that point.
Well, that was a long time ago and today we have five cats, and my other half is the most devoted cat dad I could hope to find. You’ll get there. It can take cats a surprisingly long time to adjust to changes in their lives, and it sounds like your cat is super devoted to you, so it doesn’t surprise me that she’s being a bit of a dick.
You might want to check out r/CatAdvice if you haven’t already, and see if the community there can offer you some constructive help. Good luck!
I commented on your other post and had a pretty harsh assessment of your boyfriend. Based on this post, I’m going to suspend judgment that he is abusing your pet.
However, some animals can really pick up on negative energy and project that back.
I’m going to make a couple of suggestions that may help bring some peace to your home:
1. If her diet allows, have your boyfriend give her a treat at a specific time when he is home. The routine will help with consistency and she will come to know him as the “giver of treats” when he is home at that time.
2. He probably isn’t all that fond of her, but getting to know her better will help them bond. The best way to do that is through play. Carve out 10-15 minutes of play on days off. You can break this up in 5 minute increments. Have him play with whatever she likes best (flying a bird, sparkley toy, or throwing a foil ball… whatever she loves) – she will come to view him as the treat guy and he plays with me!
With small time investments, they can completely change their dynamic.
I’m very glad your fiance is reasonable and that you managed to find a way to keep both of them in your life. Good luck in the future 🍀
Try felinway. We used the plug-ins when merging cats and it really helped tone down the cat angst.
I knew someone whose cat peed on her stuff when she was pregnant. Our theory was that she smelled differently and the cat was showing her disapproval.
That’s good you two have come to an understanding. I also could never contemplate giving up my cat for anyone. Ever. Him stopping hissing at her will definitely help but he’s got to be the bigger person (she is after all a cat) and actually try win her over, slowly.
Also have you tried feliway? Peeing on things is a sign of stress and a feliway diffuser can go a long way to calming cats down. I found it really helpful when we got the dog and when there was a big Tom cat prowling around trying take over our yard
Thank you for updating. I am glad you guys can come to a compromise.
Him physically chasing around and hissing at a 13 year old cat IS psychological abuse. Don’t stand for it if you catch him again, its not ok and it will make her problems with anxiety worse.
And if your bf reads this he needs to know he should not “lash out” with ultimatums he doesn’t mean. Thats not a fair way to treat your partner.
Good luck OP, congrats on coming to a compromise and I hope it works out for you.
Most cats hate change and will do things in retaliation. One of my cats (Porkchop) was the go to target for my dog (Pita) whe she was a puppy. Pita would push her around, chase her, and pull her off of tables. Both my cats are very passive (pita has been scratched once in her life by my other cat when pita was in her face being a pest.) So it took awhile to teach Pita, porkchop was Not a toy.
Anyways during that time porkchop would do her business anywhere but the litter box. She targeted the couch downstairs and Pita’s bed.
We cut the basement off from the dog with a gate my cats could jump over. Which SLOWLY stopped porkchop spiteful acts of peeing and pooping ( we had to replace our couch because she ruined it).
I want to point out tho (for my case at least) that my cats and dog do socialize now. They’re not bestie but Pita will give porkchop ‘kisses’ on her head or nuzzle her lightly which she seems to tolerate lol.
I know this seems like I told this story for nothing but I truly think your partner can have a relationship with your fur babies. If you have a feeding time get your bf to do it and use treat to gain trust with your cat. Cats are stubborn so it might take a bit before you see results.
Good luck! I hope your 2 love ones in your life can make peace and co-exist. Remember to have patience!
Sounds like bf would benefit from trying to befriend the cat. Feed it, play with it. Etc. also maybe put his stuff into plastic bins with lids until you can mend their relationship.
Pets are one of those things where people have such a wide range of levels of emotional commitment that it is really hard for one person to gauge how important a pet is to another person so it’s good you talked it out