[19m][20f] I shattered my relationship with my insecurities and trust issues, need someone with more experience to weigh in and help me

I consider any form of cheating as a deal breaker, physical or emotional etc.

LONG story: Gf had a friend from Tinder, they hung out once (6 months before we got together) and apparently it was awkward ASF and they never hung out again. One day I asked her if she had spoken to him or if they still talked and she replied “no, we haven’t really talked in months”. Well long story short I end up checking her phone for a different reason and discovered he texted her 2 weeks after we got together and said “if you’re ever in Atlanta, you should visit me” – to which she replied “HELL YE I WILL” and another week after that he drunkenly texted her how much of a great friend she is and she replied “huh what” and that was the last time they spoke. And that was the end of the conversation. The last time before that they spoke the day before our first date and she was telling him how excited she was to hangout with me (also the next day we started dating after the date because we really hit it off)

Well, I check her phone because of a misunderstanding (which was my fault) and discovered those texts. Anyway (she doesn’t know I seen those) I point it out to her his chat icon on insta and she’s just like “oh that’s my friend so &so, we used to hangout”. Well then because of the misunderstanding we had last week she ended up deleting the chat without me knowing, and so I make her read back everything to me and she skipped over the ” if you’re ever in Atlanta you should visit me” , and I freaked out and told her how inappropriate that was and she ended up blocking him and apologizing to me. ( Also when ever I asked what happened to the chat she told me truth and said she deleted it because we were together for only a month and said she didn’t know my boundaries so she got scared and deleted it, but had no I’ll intentions.

This made me overthink and check her Snapchat while she was away. I then discovered someone added that wasn’t appeared on the Snapchat feed so I accused her of adding and deleting the chat to which she says she has never done that because she “understands it hurt my feelings last time and she wouldn’t wanna put me through that again”. I have seen her Snapchat glitch beforehand and have someone who was already added appear on the recently added but not show up before, but the snap score wasnt there, but added? . ( But this guy had a snap score, but when I check their conversation history and seen 0 interactions between them). I then downloaded her data and seen *delete and add” for that user, but, the initial friendship was from 2021 so I think it may have been a glitch, or maybe he readded her and that’s why it appeared??? And reappeard on recently added without the chat box? Well come to find out it was an old highschool acquaintance – who used to date one of her friends in highschool, but she says she thinks shes never spoken with him or texted him before. Whilst looking at her data I also discovered she blocked 6 guys in the first month we were dating… But I only knew of 4 of them..

My gf have been together 8 months and after we got together I found a something written that said “I’m glad we me, we started talking again” but it had a different guys name, i know it was written before we started dating but it still kinda hurt.

Then a few days later I found the dudes Instagram and they weren’t following each other but I found a like on a post of his ( from 10 days before we got together) and I kinda flipped out on my gf and told her a bunch of things, I said she was a lair, accused her of possibly cheating, and how I was probably just a little rebound and how she probably was just using me, and that she better not have messaged him at all while we’ve been together…

As long as it was before we were together I don’t care, she says that she unfollowed him before and hasn’t talked to him ever since we got together or was just in the talking stage.

But now I’m accusing her of talking to him and deleting the chat while we’re together because I’ve never seen the chat with them.

I have have no evidence she texted him, I don’t even remember seeing a text chat from him. But it was 10 days before we got together so I accused her of deleting the chat so I asked to see her Instagram data to which she replied “yeah”, ( she was at work ) then when we see each other she was like ” you didn’t even listen OR consider how I felt during all those awful things you said” and bursted out crying lecturing me on how badly I hurt her feelings and how I need to be more considerate and how she didn’t like me comparing her to my ex and how she was mad at me and how “toxic” it was to request this of her. I told her it was sus that she would call it toxic.

She then explain why it’s disrespectful to her even though we have an open phone policy for this. Said it reminded her of her dad and mom’s toxic relationship of what I did.

We get home and basically she locked herself in the bathroom and vomits cause she so “stressed”. So I threatened to message the guy if she didn’t let me see and she came out and said I was being unnecessary.

And I was like oh so you must be hiding something then we had a huge conversation about how she doesn’t want to be toxic and wanted me to be the man she married one day, but what I was doing was toxic and she was scared of that and explained she lost a bit of respect for me and that she doesn’t wanna break up but for me to reflect on my actions and treat her better for what I did and how I should just trust her. I then said yeah I trust you and she was like ” no you think you do, but you really don’t or else you wouldn’t be asking something toxic like this.”. I never ending up looking at it because I started to feel bad and we had a heart to heart.

She always is eager to give me reassurance and is always calm about it to, but she says I can ask her for reassurance as much as I need. Says she’s never hurt me, or ever have done anything that can be deemed as trustworthy, and we talked about it and she said everything I’ve assumed has been untrue and it hurts her feelings and just wants me to think logically instead of emotional. I told her today *I don’t know if I can trust you” to which she replied calmly ” that’s okay, it’s gonna take time but I love you so much and we’ll get there one day ” and anytime I overthink a situation think to myself “is this something that she would to me?” And breathe and calm down.
Recently we both agreed to see relationship counseling and sorta restart the relationship in a healthy manor with new boundaries and trust one another out look to give the benefit of the doubt because that’s what relationship is about, trust.

We’re immature and young, her last boyfriend was when she was 16 and and says this is her first mature relationship ever since and it “A big change she didn’t expect and difficult”. We got together when she was 19. I was getting out of a hard relationship and 6 months after that ended with me we met and decided to date. She says we’re both immature and just need to growup and mistakes are inevitable, but claims to have never done anything to ever hurt me.

She’s also aware I’ve been to Reddit multiple times for advice but says Reddit doesn’t understand the ins and out of our own relationship and it’s probably not the best place to go, regardless of it defending her or my actions.

TL;Dr I just need advice