My (40m) wife (40f) of 14 years had what I consider a mid-life crisis last year. My D-day was in November, we are currently separated in different apartments but not same complex, and we have three kids (8,9, 12 y/o). I am trying my best to keep things between us friendly, but I still have trouble because the basic thoughts that should run through anyones head when making a decision just don’t go through hers. I asked her after d-day if she thought about our kids and what her plans and actions with her AP were going to do to them. She said “no” and this has haunted me for months. She cares for them as a mother does, but what they are currently going through and what they will go through have only been secondary to her selfish desires. I was so in love with this woman. I had thoughts of forgiveness, but she has no want to return to our marriage. She does not care that she has torn our family apart and seriously affected the kids. She only wants to be with her AP and live happily ever after. And I just recently discovered her AP is also married and has little kids. Tearing apart two families for selfishness. I never imagined my wife could be a monster and I am crushed knowing our family has been destroyed. Family and friends don’t know many of the details and only offer the same thoughts and advice since they know me. On the anonymous internet, I was wondering what strangers would say.
15 comments
At this point, there’s nothing to say to your wife other than what’s necessary to have a cordial co-parent relationship. Focus on protecting yourself and your children in the upcoming divorce. You’re trying to be attribute rational thoughts to someone who’s being irrational. Your wife had made decisions that will greatly affect hers, yours, and your kids lives, and while it sucks that you had no control over what she did, you have control over your own reactions. Focus on the items you can influence and leave her to the mess she’s gotten herself into.
Start the divorce process and get all your ducks in row now. Co-parenting planning, finances because this situation is going to get worse before it gets better. And the likelihood is this going to end very badly for her when her AP sees the realities of having to incorporate you kids into this life he dreams of having with her and dealing with his own family at the same time and I bet in her mind she see you as fallback position when it fails and you need to take that life line away so she sees the reality.
Your WW is in the affair fog. A place were unicorns and rainbows exist.
You didn’t mention if the OBS is aware of the situation. If not, then tell her as she has the right to know I would also expose your WW’s affair to all friends and family. Make sure she knows there are consequences to her actions before she gets to spin her narrative.
One day she will regret it. No matter what, never look back.
Statistically it would be a SHOCK if she ends up living “happily ever after” with her AP. My guess is it will all come crashing down once the excitement wears off. This situation sucks and I’m sorry you’re going through it.
It sounds as if you are still debating if you should play the pick me dance. It’s one thing she did this. It’s another that even after all this time she doesn’t care much at all about the consequences it has on her children. Almost just as bad that she doesn’t care about you or his children either.
It’s time to stamp her am evil worthless human and force yourself to boot strap up and live for you and your kids. Get custody, put her on child support. Do all the things you can purely for you and them. She doesn’t deserve your consideration anymore. Don’t teach your kids to play the fool for worthless people. Yes, keep any conversations about her with them cordial and polite, but do not lie to them about mommy cares and mommy still wants what is best for you. Clearly she doesn’t.
Tell the other guys wife. That’ll blow shit up for them and may introduce a little reality to your wife’s thought process.
Please tell me you told me APs wife.
From a stranger to a woman’s life victim.
I can’t believe you want her back, after her extreme actions of selfishness. Let it be over first. Then, after the the dust has settled, find a new love.
They’re in the honeymoon stage & likely won’t last when real life hits, then she’ll come running back to you. I’d be ruthless in the divorce, someone who blows up their family and kids lives doesn’t deserve much in my book (man or woman). You’ll have to be there for your children emotionally as much as possible, they’ll appreciate you for that. Good luck.
Line up your legal ducks in a row and strengthen your finances for your new reality.
You can choose to forgive and take her back, but that takes two to tango.. I t seems like she has made her choice and is moving on. You probably should too.
Have the kids go to therapy to help them process what is going on.
I read an article in Psychology Today that said 20% of marriages have adultery in them and the perps were three times as likely to commit it again. They will like cheat on each other again, karma is real.
There’s a lot more to this that you’ve left out. That much is obvious.
In my opinion, file for divorce and have her served ASAP. It will either awaken her from affair fog to realize what she is about to lose and possibly opt for reconciliation, or it will confirm that she is lost to you and you can begin moving forward. Given your description, more time with no action will accomplish nothing.
When the divorces are all done and the two of them are living together, all of the magic and danger will drain out of their relationship, and they will finally realize what they did. Expect your phone to go off or a knock on your door on that day.
There is no way they will ever be able to make their little fantasy work long term. For many reasons really, but mostly the knowledge each of them will have that the other is a cheater and may leave at any time. This will haunt them and steal the safety from their relationship. It’s doomed from the beginning.
Be ready to tell her to fuck off when she contacts you.