I’ve been a fairly shy person growing up. But always struggled to make friends. I was bullied quite a lot in secondary school, I went to an all girls and all girls were good for is spreading rumours about me. Then I finally settled down with a group of people. Who I had to suppress my personality with. They weren’t very active. And talked about things openly it was just see each other at school and that’s it. I was further isolated outside of school as they’d literally never meet up. And if I was to make plans they’d very likely be rejected, as they barely acknowledged me throughout those 5 years.
Then came college. I was running on the constant advice people would give me “it gets better” or “you’d find your people”. And it was the most humiliating 2 years. All the “friends” I had made new ones and moved right on. I’m not going to lie, I was very anxious and scared the whole time and would close myself off to avoid rejection.
Today. I’m 18 years old and have made no friends in all my life living in the same place. It’s deeply embarrassing for me. And I have no idea what to do. Now my main concern is no one would want to be friends with someone who has none. But I am desperate none the less.
2 comments
First of all you’re quite young from an adult perspective, so you have your whole life ahead of you. Childhood friendships often fade anyway, so the fact that you don’t have many of them from your past is immaterial to your new life going forward.
What IS important is learning HOW to make friends, and becoming the best person you can truly be. And you don’t want to become stuck in the past or any perceived childhood failures.
From personal experience I can tell you YES, you absolutely can change. You can become an extrovert (if you want that). You can become a social butterfly (if you want that). You can become charismatic and fun to be with (if you want that).
I added the caveats because some people truly don’t want that much interpersonal connection. They’re okay with a couple of close friends and some solo hobbies.
But if you want an active fun social life, or if you want a moderate one or even a small one, that IS all possible if you know WHAT to practice. People sometimes spend YEARS practicing the wrong things, and then blame themselves when they don’t succeed.
Thing is, no one TELLS you what really matters.
Here are some things you need to succeed (and I’ve written a whole book on this topic so I’m really just scratching the surface here):
**1. Self-confidence.** NOTE: this is based on you, things that YOU do and your own self-perception. It is NOT based on prior experiences or others’ opinion of you.
**2. Social energy.** People connect based on positive emotion, that ‘clicking’ experience we get with people. You need to learn how/when to bring this and what it looks like.
**3. Humor.** Essentially a playful attitude and a willingness to take life with a light-hearted approach. Does NOT mean telling jokes or trying to entertain people. Just being more FUN.
**4. Positive Outlook.** Doesn’t mean your life is perfect and I’m not referring to toxic positivity. But the ability to be essentially positive in most social situations — while supporting friends in their downer moments and allowing yourself that too — makes for an easier time getting and keeping friends.
**5) WARMTH** Ability to create a sense of welcome and ease in an interaction. This can be done with anyone from total strangers to friends. There’s a specific method and you can practice it. I call it ‘creating a circle of warmth.’
None of these things are impossible to learn, and they’re ALL able to be practiced OUTSIDE your social life so you can get good at them.
Now would be the time to start!
whether you have many friends or no friends, its all the same when meeting new people. Making friends isn’t based upon how many people you know so don’t worry about that so much.
My advice: Join a Jiu-jitsu gym in your area.
Most martial arts gyms have a free trail that you can do so its free to try. Why Jiu-jitsu? Jiu-jitsu is very common and as a beginner you have to a have partner to guide you through the next steps unlike kickboxing where you could possibly be doing punching combos with the entire class which is less personal. with jiu-jitsu you would have a one-on-one partner. martial arts gyms are super friendly and welcoming to anyone who wants to train.
Secondly, change your mindset. Don’t focus on “what if’s.” and focus on “Even if’s” to help you not worry so much about the anxiety of meeting people. practice saying “Even if” before anything your worried about when it comes to meeting people.