The phrase refers to the idea that if a man is interested in a woman in the early stages of dating, he would show her and put the effort in to make the relationship work. If he doesn’t, the woman should move on as, ‘if he wanted to, he would’.

How fair/true is this idea?

34 comments

  1. If she’s using this as an excuse to not participate in making it work then that’s probably why he doesn’t want to

  2. Seems accurate enough. If a person is really interested in a relationship, they’ll put in the work. It’s not gender specific at all either, it goes any which way.

  3. If she is not communicating her needs and leaning on the “if he wanted to he would” nonsense, things are going to end badly for both of them!

  6. Stupid excuse to avoid risks.

    If you want a relationship with someone, you should put as much effort as they do.

    Ppl who think like that run the risk of getting desperate later on.

  7. It’s not fair because it’s an oversimplification of the thinking that goes through most guys’ subconscious before they make a move. It would have to be more like “If he wanted to and she communicated clearly that she was interested and the repercussions wouldn’t be severe in the event of a miscommunication and she gave him plenty of opportunity to make a move, then he would.” In my experience, the women who push the mantra in your OP are just saying that so they don’t have to lift and finger and then can blame the guy when nothing happens between them.

  8. I mean, it goes both ways. If he’s not getting feedback from his efforts, he’s going to stop wanting to.

  9. As long as you’re putting in the effort you want to see then yeah it’s true. However if you’re just standing there being a prop with organs then gtfo. Also just consider the fact that maybe he wants to do something but can’t because of anxiety, uncertainty, depression, financial constraints, etc.

  11. I use this for all things in life, including my own interactions. Everyone has more time available to them than they think. If you wanted to make time for someone or something, you would. Remember that for your own interests and important people, and remember the same about them toward you. If you wanted to, you would. If they wanted to, they would.

  12. Pretty fair and it applies to women too. If someone is a priority you make time and put in effort. Why bother with someone who is half hearted? Especially since there is always someone else out there willing to make time and put in effort.

  13. Even learning what constitutes healthy “effort” in a relationship takes a considerable amount of trial and error. Men are given lots of advice by other men and women, a large portion of which is ineffective when applied. I always tried to make my relationships work using the knowledge and resources I had accumulated at various points in my life. At each point, despite significant effort and personal growth, I failed repeatedly to live up to the standards and expectations that varied wildly between encounters with different women. No amount of wanting to do the right thing made me any more capable of doing so.

    Only sustained, long term trial and error, followed by reflection, coupled with being lucky enough to find a highly compatible partner, was enough. It took me 27 years of actively trying to become a better partner before I was able to build a healthy thriving relationship. Had I met her even a year earlier, I would not have been the right man. Give people time.

  15. Excuse me, what?
    No, its not true nor fair.
    There are plenty of things that anyone would want to do but numerous factors holding them back or preventing them from doing so. I dont see why in the situation of love it would be a different matter?

    -I want to move away from this place, but i dont have the money.

    -I want to go on a vacation with you. Meanwhile you’re afraid of flying, so you cant.

    -You want to start your own business. But have no idea what kind or how to start.

    You could want plenty of things that you cant do because you dont have the courage, or are afraid, dont have the money, have no idea how to start, etc.
    So that argument is totally useless and wrong.
    And the reason why it is u fair is because people attach unrealistic standards to it as if its natural.

    Like if he really loved me, he would (insert something you want him to do like change or buy you stuff you never asked for).
    I dont think i have to explain how that should be considered unfair.

    For a relationship, you should be willing to communicate, change for eachother and have understanding for eachother.
    Its fair to say your partner would be willing to do stuff for you but its unfair to force expectations on someone with by just saying “if he wanted to, he would”

  16. It’s true if she’s applying it the same. If he’s the only one putting in effort a lot of guys are going to very rapidly lose the “he wanted to” bit.

  17. Depends on what you mean. No guy with any experience is going to chase a girl who doesn’t show interest.

  18. This goes for everyone, not just men. I’ve met women who just put zero effort in from the start and it just make me feel unwanted completely and it’s not worth pursuing because if they wanted to, they would put in effort. Same goes for men.

  19. I think it’s a big pile of poop! What’s wrong with saying to a woman, “If SHE wanted to, SHE would.” I know MY WIFE did!

    We met and married in the Marine Corps. She and I were running/gym buddies and that was it, or so I thought. After a couple of months of that, one night she yelled at me, “Are you ever going to ask me out on a date???” SHE wanted to and SHE did! Three weeks later she was calling me her boyfriend, five months later we were engaged and eight months after that, we married. This past October, we celebrated our 44th wedding anniversary!

  20. Complicated. From my experience its me showing all the effort and her showing next to zero as I make things as easy ss possible so romance can blossom. After I take the first few steps and show her what Im offering I’ve yet to meet a women that will even show half the effort I do.

    When that happens I put her on the back burner as another chase me if you want me and don’t bother anymore. No point in wasting my time if she isn’t willing to at least meet me half way.

  21. There’s truth in it, but there are limits.

    It’s often used by women who expect men to bend over backwards for them while not putting even half the effort.

  23. What is your specific context? This is a vague platitude, so it doesn’t really mean anything.

    In some cases it is justified, and in other cases it isn’t. People have diffetent expectations about what “would”ing is.

  24. That is a slippery slope in some cases. You will might have to sacrifice more and more of your life until you are not worth having around.

  28. It’s not fair, & it’s a load of bs. A man may want lots of things but is held back by fear of rejection, lack of money, lack of time due to needing to work multiple jobs to survive, etc etc etc.

    If you’re interested, & you’re unsure of his feelings?

    USE. YOUR. WORDS.

  29. Completely sexist. Women expect men to put in 100% effort, 100% of the time and we’re called misogynists for expecting our efforts to match our efforts

  31. He’s interested if he spends time with you outside of the bedroom. And, if he’s gotten to point of sleeping with you and you’re asking these questions, then it’s clear you’re interested in him.

    He pretty much has what he wants from the relationship. If you want more, it falls on you – not him, to prove you are worth the investment. If you’re making his life better and not adding a bunch of demands, drama and expenses he’ll make the extra investment without any coercion from you.

    Just make sure, before you sleep with him, he has the same end-goals for a relationship that you do (kids, marriage or w/e).

    And take his concerns very seriously. When he says things like, “I don’t like this or that” or “This behavior is bothering me” etc – he’s setting a boundary.

    The easiest way for you to get silently categorized as forever fuck-buddy is failure to respect his boundaries.

  32. True both ways and 99% of relationship complaints come from people who don’t undertake this.

  33. I had a girlfriend 30 years ago who never had time for me. When we started dating, she had lots of time to go on dates. Then one day things changed. She was always working late and had plans on weekends.

    Then she tells me one day that she had been out with a friend the previous night.

    Now, under normal circumstances, that wouldn’t have bothered me at all. But because she hadn’t had any free time for me for weeks, it didn’t sit well with me.

    I ended up breaking up with her because no matter how busy you are, you always make time for the people who are important to you. And if someone important to you isn’t making time for you, you’re just not important to them.

  34. When on the “knowing” phase, the person may be shy and it may goes by as less effort, but already dating? Fair, both for men and women.

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