My wife (42F) and I (41M) have hit a real rough patch in our marriage and I’m not sure our union is going to survive it. About a year and a half ago, my wife came to me and suggested we start seeing a marriage counselor. At the time, she said it was just to work on communication and to help us how to parent our very challenging child, a 4 year old boy. I didn’t understand the gravity of our situation. The pandemic and raising a child has been excruciatingly difficult. We retreated into our own corners instead of towards each other.
Over time, the therapy became more about our relationship and how my wife’s emotional needs were not being met by me. It all came to a head last fall and my wife told me she was having a hard time spending time with me, even being in the same room as me. Simultaneously to this, my wife has been doing her own individual therapy, discovering how as the child of an alcoholic, she is codependent and does all the emotional lifting in our relationship, and, basically, doesn’t want to do it anymore.
Through much of our therapy, I wasn’t receptive. I went through the motions, but wasn’t really invested. It was only when my wife told me she didn’t want to spend time with me did my dam break and I really started to understand how much I screwed up for so long and coasted through so much of our relationship, how much I took her and our relationship for granted. I have been defensive in so many of our fights and gas-lit my her and diminished her.
My wife and I have a new therapist that we’re working with, but the going is rough. Our relationship interactions are challenging, she still feels a lot of anger towards me for how I have been dismissive of her feelings for so much of our relationship. She’s also angry at many people in her life for treating her poorly and at herself for being a people pleaser for so long, not advocating for herself.
I’ve been reading the Gottman 7 Principals for Making Marriage Work, and too much of it is like a gut punch; highlighting many of the things we’ve done badly for so long. I have my own issues that I’ve been working through, and didn’t really want to explore before — I grew up really bullied, a loner, and not much experience with deep relationships. I’ve been exploring all that with my therapist and understanding myself how I haven’t before.
I’ve really been trying to do all the work and do as much right as I can for our marriage. We still love each other but despite that the damage may be done and we may not recover.
I don’t really know what I’m trying to get out of typing this, just to say… do the hard work and don’t fight it or stick your head in the sand.
11 comments
I’m sorry to say that your marriage is most likely already over if she can’t stand to be in the same room with you. You need a miracle to turn things around at this point.
While it might be hard to change deeply rooted patterns quickly, you need to make a Herculean effort to be the husband she always deserved to have a tiny bit of chance to save your marriage. Unfortunately you wasted your opportunity to make small meaningful changes. They won’t be enough now so if you value your marriage spend every second actively making things better.
Do everything you can and then double it. It’s close to impossible to overcome repulsion. Don’t be satisfied with normal amounts of improvement. You need to make her life so much better that it should feel unreal. You have wasted her goodwill, don’t expect her to extend you any more.
Don’t give up. Every marriage goes through bad parts. Right now you need to show her you are trying to change and not just tell her. Does she do the house work? Pick up some of the work. Get her some flowers, or make her favorite meal. Surprise her with lunch. If you want this to work you need to work 2 or 3x harder. Good luck man.
>I really started to understand how much I screwed up for so long and coasted through so much of our relationship, how much I took her and our relationship for granted.
How close are you to realizing how much you have taking yourself for granted as well?
I am assuming you are far from living your best life, with or without your wife/family in the picture. Am I right?
>I’ve really been trying to do all the work and do as much right as I can for our marriage.
Doing it for the marriage isn’t sustainable, you have to do it for you. What do you want and what are you doing to make that happen?
If your answer is “I want to save my marriage” I am here to tell you that isn’t what you actually want. If you want to save your marriage you want your wife to respect and desire you, the marriage is a product of that. You still have to dig a little deeper here to develop healthy and sustainable goals. You do not control your wife or anyone else, using others perceptions of you as a goal is rarely productive and more often then not going to lead frustration.
You want to save your marriage = you want your wife to respect and desire you = you need to be a person people respect and desire. The last point is the most important, and even more important is you get to define what that means to you. When you are the only one you allow to judge your self 2 things happen; 1. You quit seeking validation, 2. You are forced to be accountable to yourself. That second one is hard as fuck but I think you are almost their already.
It doesn’t sound like it’s over, but it sounds like you guys have a lot of work ahead of you, and it’s not easy, and it takes time. Good for both of you for getting the help you need to become better people and grow. Good for both of you on identifying your needs and what you require to get them met. If it was me, maybe I’d consider a break, not a divorce, where you don’t have to work on the marriage but you can work on yourself, do the therapy, etc. with an agreement that dating/sleeping with other people is off the table. Maybe even go back to dating each other, start over there too, get to know the new person each of you has become. Despite what people say, love doesn’t conquer all. It’s not some saving force, and just because you love each other doesn’t mean it’s meant to last. That said, if you guys still want to try to make it work, that’s something you have to be on the same page about but it sounds like it could be doable.
I almost thought my own husband wrote this. Except neither of us are in therapy. I’m feeling the exact same way as your wife towards my own husband. I’m nearing the end as well. Unless my husband can make dramatic improvements that will last, then I’m done. Trust me we really don’t want to end things, we’re just done dealing with the constant BS of the situation. GL if you can make those improvements asap.
First, I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
Second, I agree with your assessment of Gottmans 7 principles. It was a hard read. On top of that I had just gone off my SSRI, which left me a horrible mess.
Best wishes to you
The 7 principles for Making Marriage work is such an amazing, but convicting book. I’ve mentioned it to all my married friends as it’s been so difficult and helpful for my marriage.
It sounds like you’re afraid your marriage is over, and I just want to encourage you not to give up-it sounds like you and your wife are still working at it. It’s possible (but not certain) that where you are now is rock bottom, and maybe you both can still climb out of this valley if you continue to do the work.
The biggest thing is you’re awake to how your relationship has been broken, so this is actually the closest you’ve been to fixing it. I’m rooting for you both to find healing together!
So you did agree to the couple’s therapy but didn’t cooperate?
I’m sorry you’re struggling. But the fact that she’s still willing to go to counseling with you and have conversations is a good sign. At this point she needs to see actions from you. Do things to show her you’re listening, trying , and learning. She mentioned the emotional load. For me that means meal planning, grocery list making and shopping, organizing of the calendar/plans, things like that so I’d suggest doing some of those things to lessen her load.
First, you recognized your short comings in the marriage. You understand you need to correct your behavior and be present in the marriage. Your wife is very resentful. This has built over the years as you know. It is hard to surmount resentment and be at peace. But at least you are putting you best foot forward. The hard part to read here is she can’t stand to be in the same room as you. In short, she has detached from you and this marriage. It may be for good. But, you put in you best effort and show lasting change perhaps you can turn this around. It can be done. I been there just like you. I made the changes and kept these changes. My marriage is on good ground and getting better. Good luck!
Marriage is not over yet. Don’t throw in the towel now.
A long period of difficulties will take a long time to recover.