Im a 19yo girl, and am trying to move out soon for school. The problem is sometimes it feels like I am the only thing in my dad’s life. From the moment I wake up he is there to greet me, make me breakfast, and immediately tries to make plans to hang out with me. He has stated many times that I am his best friend and he needs me because I’m the only one in the family that listens to him. Him and my mom dont get along and constantly argue and my brother is never home, so many times it’s just me to entertain and keep him company. I want to have my own life, style, and plans, but if I dont want to talk to him or hang out with him for say more than a day he gets very sad and offended. He says that it feels like I’m not part of the family anymore and almost cries at times. He has also told me he never wants me to live out of the state or go into a profession that he doesnt approve of. He gets very upset and goes into rages at times if I mention not wanting to get married/have kids by the time Im 30 and at very little things too. I feel like I am always having to be the peacekeeper, calming him down and keeping himmhappy. It just feels like I am going to be trapped trying to live with his clinging to my side or if I cut him off completely he will be left depressed, alone, and miserable which I dont want either. How can I maybe start to build independence and detach myself from him before I move out?
6 comments
Damn I’d kill for parents like this. That cared and wanted to be involved. Wanted to make me food and listen to me. Wanted to spend time with me.
Really tough that your answer is to get away and cut him off because of it. That’s gonna be a hard pill for you to swallow again in 10 years.
That’s one octopus dad.
He has no other interest in life then you.
But this is HIS game. It has nothing to do with you.
The way he kind of ivys allover your life is strangling. That is so very unhealthy.
He kind of uses you as a surrogate for a relationship with a grown up woman. Yikes.
If you can afford: move out.
If xou can’t: get a job, dave some money. And be gone. North Pole if need be!
You can’t be responsible for how he reacts or his overwhelming emotions, you can only be responsible for your own feelings. You don’t have to play peacekeeper if you don’t want to. Let him feel uncomfortable, let him get upset.
Google “greyrocking”, it’s a technique to respond neutrally to manipulation and anger like this. If he gets upset or angry for not responding, there’s nothing wrong with putting your phone away until he calms down. Figure out something comforting to distract you when this happens (a comfort show, a hobby, going out with friends, whatever works).
Is this a former helicopter parent who doesn’t know what to do with their time now that the kid is too old for flyovers?
Tell him that you’re 19 now and while you love him and appreciate his attention, you want to focus your time on doing things with your friends. You’ll always love and appreciate him, but here is a list of groups that do things related to hobbies (bowling, baseball, whatever…).
Also, move out. He can’t move on to post-kid adulthood if he wakes up every morning, sees you at the kitchen table, and wonders if he should be cutting your toast into smiley faces or something.
Surprise him with a puppy! When I first went off to college my Mom would cry daily and call me 4+ times every day. I convinced her to get a puppy and she started putting all her energy into the puppy and it worked out well. The dog is still my “sister” to this day, but I’m ok with that. Haha
If he is unhappy in his marriage and life, turning yours into a means of avoiding doing anything about it is only prolonging it.