How much stock do you put in “it doesn’t feel right”?

42 comments

1. Can you provide more context? What’s not clicking? How long have you guys been seeing each other? Is it attraction? It took me around 2-3 months of dating for me to click with my boyfriend.

2. I will say that people are quick to drop a situation these days without giving adequate time for the connection to blossom. There’s a variety of reason for this, but online dating culture and the illusion of endless options are one of the prime ones. If you have attachment anxiety, that is certainly another, so it’s good to be recognizing that.

   It’s helpful to keep in mind that love is a surprise, it never shows up the same way twice, so don’t look for cues from your past, especially if those cues have lead to a pattern of unhealthy relationships.

   Let something new unfold here. Even if it doesn’t work out, it’s worth it for the breaking of patterns and settling of anxieties. Make yourself available to any possibility and stick with what is happening, don’t preempt it with a theory about where it’s going.

   Connections take time to form. Love requires a nurturing and a patience to take root. If he’s a good guy, then see what happens, and don’t worry if it’s the love of your life because short term relationships and friendships have value too.

3. While I have gotten burned from doing so, I do think it is important to trust your gut if it doesn’t feel right.

   How would you feel if a man said he didn’t feel right about you but continued the relationship?

4. How long have you been dating? If it’s been a couple of weeks, I’d say it’s too soon to make a decision unless there are blatant red flags.

   If it’s been a few months, it might be time to head for the exit.

5. You probably don’t find him very sexy. It’s up to you if that’s okay with you.

6. Everything honestly. I have dated men in the past where they checked every box and it just felt terribly wrong.
   You can’t go by your head ‘it should feel right’, love isn’t a business deal, it’s about emotions.
   If my heart isn’t it, it ain’t gonna happen.

   I once dated someone and we lacked that click you described. Conversations felt off, we didn’t have the same humor and we just somehow operated on different wavelengths. It’s hard to explain but personally I need that ‘click’. It makes everything easy, calm, nice and we just get each other. It’s like chemistry. If it’s not there.. it’s just not there. I stayed with them too long also, I knew it wasn’t there from the beginning but I wanted it to be there and I wanted to fall in love, but you don’t control that.

   So after my experiences I’m always saying trust your gut. Perhaps give it a little more time to see if you just have to adjust to each other and so you can be sure. But I think you know what the answer is here. It’s either there at the beginning or not.

7. This is a difficult one. You touched on something important when you mentioned your previous relationships that “felt right” and how they were ultimately unsuccessful or unhealthy.

   I’m learning a lot lately about how what feels “right” often feels that way because it is familiar, and how we as humans are unconsciously attracted to that which is familiar. And familiar doesn’t always equal healthy, sustainable or fulfilling.

   I personally put stock into things feeling right with someone, and if something doesn’t feel right after a certain amount of time, I aim to bow out of those situations – my gut feeling has always been right in the end – and if something feels off there’s likely not enough common ground, comfort, chemistry or connection, and those things are important to me.

   How I intend dating now, is looking for those “right” feelings, but being alert to if it feels right for healthy or unhealthy reasons (I don’t want to be repeating old cycles of behaviour where I can help it).

   From your post you seem to have a good amount of insight. I’d listen to your instincts if I were you. Perhaps it’s worth a conversation with him to check in with how you’re both feeling, its no harm asking him how he thinks the connection between you both is.

8. I would consider that there is no such thing as soul mates, there are just people you keep working through things with, and people you end things with. Any person who is “the one” can also be “not the one” if you run into a bump, which every relationship does, and decide to not work through it.

   I feel like it’s hard to evaluate this though bc we don’t know how long you’ve been dating. 1 month? 4?

9. What specifically doesn’t feel right? What is missing?

   I’m a big advocate for trusting your intuition, but if your only relationships have been unhealthy, it’s possible that your brain is looking for that toxicity that it thinks is supposed to be there. When we’re used to unhealthy relationships, the healthy ones can feel boring at first.

10. >it doesn’t feel 100% “right”, as it might have in the past

    Well, it didn’t work out in the past when it felt 100% right either, right? I think it depends on what is it exactly that you are sensing. If it’s red flags about them possibly not respecting you enough or valuing you enough etc, then yes, listen to that gut feeling. But if you are after a Disney romance that sweeps you off your feet then no, abandon that metric, it’s unrealistic and toxic and leads us to accept love bombing and subsequent chaos. So analyse what is exactly this missing part and see how really relevant and important to a solid long lasting relationship that needs to sustain ups and downs of life it really is.

11. My personal rule is that if I don’t feel genuinely excited about the person – excited to see them, to know more about them, to understand their passions and meet their friends/family/hobbies etc – it’s destined to fail. There has to be excitement and a spark. Reading your post, I would personally not proceed but you do you, you know what is best not me!

    Edit: I also want to add, I’ve dated so many people who “checked boxes” for me- job, beauty, cool hobbies, kind, loved by their friends- and there was no spark. Chemistry is a funny thing or pin down; you don’t choose it, it chooses you. Don’t ever feel guilty about not having chemistry with an amazing person. By letting them go, you’re giving them the opportunity to be loved the way they truly deserve.

12. I guess try to understand why you’re feeling that way and whether the emotion is coming from a helpful place. My wife had a bout of anxiety when we were dating cause she felt it was moving too quickly and her first reaction was to break up with me. Fortunately, her friends talked her down from that and we’re now married. One the other side of the spectrum, a lot of women I know and dated have talked about having a Spidey sense for when a guy is bad news for them. The latter should be listened to and the former should be negotiated with.

13. Hey OP, I am the same age as you and have the same tendency to look for weak links in relationships to predict the downfall. In my most recent relationships I have tried to look past it when things “just dont feel right” but ultimately something ends up damaging the relationship and my heart isn’t in it to begin with, so its easier to do.

    Personally I am not able to really put effort into something where my heart isn’t “in it.” I have a very strong gut feeling about people and when I do not listen to my gut, it ends up wasting a lot more of my time.

    Maybe take some time off the relationship to check in with yourself and really get to ask yourself if its worth it or if its something you want to continue. I know, for myself personally, taking even a day or two without contact with that individual helps me reflect on whether or not I miss them and whether or not I want to continue.

14. I am in the same boat, OP. Been dating about a month. He’s attractive, a good guy, we have stuff in common and complement each other with our strengths. He keeps reaffirming he’s very into me, treats me well.

    Yet I often feel we don’t “get” each other, the conversation isn’t satisfying enough and I often feel a little lost about what’s going on with us/ what’s on his mind, although he is quick to reassure. I feel anxious and uncertain about us a lot, then again very normal for me.

    It doesn’t help that my strongest connections in the past have been with deeply unstable or emotionally unavailable people. So I want to give this a very good chance before potentially throwing something away that could become amazing. Half of me is saying ‘marriage material’, the other ‘bow out’ and it’s very confusing. Trying to just take it one day at a time, until the moment of clarity hopefully arrives.

15. Give yourself time to think long and hard about why you are not clicking. I know what you mean.

    I once met someone I jived really well with in the early dating phase. They were worldly, they made plans and honoured them, they showed interest; long, interesting conversations. But something was off.

    After giving myself time to think about it, I realised that they would talk about issues or concerns in a roundabout way. They were never direct about their intentions or what they wanted and why. For example, they had enquired in a roundabout way if I was sexually abused (!), probably because I was still figuring out if I was attracted to them but hadn’t made concrete moves yet. Other times it was little lies I uncovered because I have a good memory and they don’t. I guess I felt manipulated and didn’t feel openness and honesty.

    They weren’t a bad person at all and I’m sure they’d be a great partner for someone else. But these inconsistencies and the odd inappropriateness/poor social awareness put me off. I didn’t feel at complete ease with them and I went with my gut.

16. There will be people who you have chemistry with that aren’t a good match for you in other ways, and there will be people who you have chemistry with that are also amazing for you in other ways.

    Imho it’s the biggest mistake some people here make to think “Oh well, chemistry seems to be the real culprit, it was always there in these past relationships, so let’s give up on chemistry from now on because only shitty things come from it”. This is the wrong conclusion. It was always there because that’s what many people require to even move forward in a relationship, it doesn’t mean that everything else that was bad relates to it.

    The problem isn’t the chemistry you feel with someone because your personalities click, the problem is your anxious attachment that made you hold on to your past relationships with chemistry DESPITE the obvious other incompatibilities. Because to an anxiously attached person, nothing is worse than abandonment, and if there’s one good thing to hold on to (like chemistry) all the other yellow or red flags get ignored for too long. So it’s not that you felt chemistry because your past partners didn’t treat you right, it’s that you felt real chemistry, yet they didn’t treat you right at the same time, and that it confusing for anxious folks.

    So I say it’s completely fine to look for people who you have real chemistry with, you just need to work on your anxious attachment style so that you don’t fear the end of relationships as much. Because then you will have the strength to better look out for yourself and go “Ok we do have amazing chemistry but this person isn’t right for me anyway.”

    Anxiously attached people usually struggle with rejecting others, because their attachment style focuses on “How can I be the right person?” instead of “Is this person right for me?” If you can make this switch in approaching your relationships, you will be more confident in knowing what you want and demanding it for yourself.

17. Haha, well I just moved out of my ex’s place after living there for a grand total of three days. Had alarm bells going in (this is the fourth time we’ve been involved with each other), didn’t realise I’d be out so quickly. Gonna miss her kid though.

18. I think our feelings and thoughts are often at odds, And that acting purely based on feeling has merits in certain situations but for something like this, not so much.

    I also think that most people, without practice, are pretty bad at understanding and evaluating their emotions.

    Trusting your gut is good for survival instincts but in my experience, pretty shit in most other situations.

    TLDR: not much, at least until I’ve done the work to properly evaluate it.

19. If your gut feelings have led you to unhealthy and failed relationships in the past… then maybe ignore your gut feelings this time?

    It may be that the “feeling” you’re talking about is *trauma-based* and that’s why you seek out unhealthy situations. Therapy can help you learn why you have that pattern of previous relationships.

    I think you should give this new guy a chance.

20. Have you guys discussed values and expectations? If you’re looking for similar things and have similar goals, I say why not see where things go, especially if you’re physically attracted to them. Focus on really getting to know the person. I think the spark that you’re looking for could develop over time if everything else feels aligned.

    ETA: I agree with the rest of the comments saying we need more context. How many dates / how long have you been talking? What exactly doesn’t feel aligned? We need more info.

21. I also think a big part of this is just being older and wiser. That “spark” were all looking for doesn’t seem to happen much anymore, and that’s a good thing because chasing that is like chasing happiness, which is a fleeting feeling. Let it ride until you know for sure, one way or the other. Don’t cut it off just cuz it might not be perfect.

22. >Everything is moving forward smoothly, I have a crush on him, respect and appreciate him — but it doesn’t feel 100% “right”, as it might have in the past. It’s also worth mentioning that the relationships that supposedly felt right in the past did fail and were remarkably unhealthy).

    Here is your answer. Your “right” is likely wrong.

23. I am somehow surprised time and time again how gut feelings like this are always right.

    Idk how long you’ve been dating but simply put, if it’s been a month or more of you feeling that something isn’t right, it’s not right BECAUSE for whatever reason, it’s not making you feel good.

    If this is in the early stages of getting to know someone, that’s more confusing because you’re still figuring each other out. I recently posted about having “something is off” feelings in the first handful of dates, wondering if I should give it a bit more time. Ask all of the questions you’re wondering about, we have to look out for ourselves, no matter how awkward it can be! I asked all of the q’s I had, was not answered honestly, and still, it felt off. If that feeling isn’t going away, it isn’t right. Can’t live with that forever! We deserve to all feel comfortable and ourselves with the ones we’re with.

    I will say, take caution if this feeling is coming from comparison of past relationships. Something that appears to feel off might just be different from what we’re used to, and can really be the best thing for us. Worth taking some time to figure out what isn’t working for you specifically.

24. A LOT, always listen to your little voice inside!

25. The “we get each other” is only one of the ways that relationships feel good. And that kind of connection can take time to build, especially if you’re coming from different backgrounds. In the meantime, lean in to other ways he makes you feel good, and put in the work to not only get to know each other, but *understand* each other.

26. I trust my gut. Whenever I didn’t trust it in the past, it always backfired.

27. Make a list of things that are important to you in a partner and then see how many things this person checks.

    It’s maybe easier to make the list before dating someone. Hygiene, basic financial stability, does not throw out misogynistic comments, etc.

    If they hit the basics good human and basic adult requirements, relax a little and get to know them. If they don’t, your alarm bells might be going off because something big is not right and you aren’t noticing it.

28. Maybe you should be taking these questions to a therapist to sort out and understand your feelings.

    Are you not clicking? Or is it a new type of relationship for you and you’re not used to it?

    I’m not a fan of just ignoring your gut feeling. I think that it’s figuring out how to understand your feelings so you can learn to trust yourself.

29. A feeling is important, but do try and find out what it is, so you can define it better towards yourself and the other person. Who knows, it might be a solvable thing. Relationships arent magic, so this should be possible, and then perhaps you can feel like magic

30. I think saying “it doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t click” is fine if there’s awkwardness and bad conversation. But it doesn’t sound like that’s the case for you.

    Let’s put your gut aside and look at objective character traits.
    Write a pros and cons column. Looking at things objectively helps a lot with my anxiety because I can beat back the Anxiety Gremlin with Actual Facts.

    Also… I’m kinda confused that you say you like him but you’re not “clicking.” Isn’t clicking why we like someone? To me that comes across like you’re reacting to anxiety instead of reacting to his behavior.

31. Hello, am in a similar boat. Currently seeing someone exclusively and am also anxiously attached. What I do now is I journal frequently, especially when there are “intense” emotions. I write down what happened, how I felt, and why I think I felt that way. I then revisit them after a few days to see if it should really be a concern or not. The key question I ask myself is, “is this something I can live with for the long term?” If it bothers me, I sometimes talk about it with the guy am seeing or with friends.

    I’m still in the process of weighing things so I don’t have a definitive answer. However, this method seems to help me remain levelheaded. I also treat it as a process of getting to know myself better, and learning what I want in a relationship.

    Good luck!

32. My friends who are in long-term relationships keep advising me in a similar situation to give things a chance so I would recommend you do the same, if you don’t have a compelling reason to stop seeing him.

33. I posted here not too long ago asking about “how much stock do you put in feelings?” and it was removed, but this almost feels like the same question.

    I suppose, answering you and perhaps myself directly, that I agree with the sentiment of many of the other comments: give it time. Stay true to yourself and what you need, and then see how your feelings develop – or not.

    I’m a big fan of gut feelings, often our bodies “know” before our rational minds can catch up. If something feels off, that’s usually because something IS off: the question then becomes: is it you, or is it them?

    It might be that there isn’t a fit, that they’re hiding something, or that there is something you still need to deal with in regards to relationships.

    Either way, I’d suggest to not overthink it, enjoy yourself, but stay mindful of what your gut is trying to tell you.

34. I think it depends on how long you’ve been dating, and whether or not you’ve identified the things that made you mistakenly think bad relationships “felt right.”

    You said you’re from different countries/cultures, so maybe it’s that you don’t have the ability to be nostalgic together about the same foods and holidays? Or a comfort in being able to communicate in a particular language?

    I would make some lists: 1) things that make a relationship “feel right”, 2) ways the current bf doesn’t match up, 3) everything you like about your current bf.

    Many times, seeing the list written out can help you become aware that you are over- or under valuing certain elements.

35. Idk how long it’s been but if you aren’t certain about that person, spare them the trouble and leave them be. u/hiraething
    Recently I’ve found myself going through the motions over and over again with people blindsiding me with their disinterest.

    If it’s still early, cut ties now, so this person isn’t shocked at what seems like a sudden shift three months or four months or five months or longer from now.

36. We get older, holding hands turn into kissing and kissing turns into foreplay and foreplay turns into sex. Each one becomes the same standard. It shouldn’t feel the same as when you were younger. When you were a preteen, holding hands probably felt far more meaningful than it would now. You are getting older , that’s the deal. At a certain point, having sex becomes as meaningfuk as giving a hug used to.

37. Slow and steady wins the race.

    Most people with trauma feed on the passion feeling early in relationships. When the passion dilutes, you’re left with a feeling of emptiness and surrounded by toxicity.

    Then when you heal and/or mature, healthy relationships feel like a red flag.

    Your relationship sounds like a healthy one – something you’re not used to. It’s a slow burn instead of a gas explosion.

    Let the embers brown your marshmallow evenly!
    Dont put it in the flame and get charred!

    How many fire metaphors can I cram in before you realize you are allowed to take it slow and enjoy the ride?
    Idk about you, but I prefer slow cooked, juicy, tender meat to something I popped in the microwave for 45 seconds.

38. I too have a history of relationships that “felt right” but ended up being unhealthy for me and I just can’t trust those feelings anymore. These days I put more value into being curious about a person, taking things slowly and seeing how things grow and unfold.

    It has led to me learning a lot about myself and the more I date the more I uncover about what I actually value in a partner besides an immediate emotional connection. I hasn’t led to a solid relationship yet but at the very least I just recently ended a long term dating situation on good terms for the first time. I consider that to be growth and I think it’s a good sign that I’m on the right track.

39. Not much because my gut is a messy bitch who lives for drama.

40. I’m no expert as I’m trying to handle this myself. But here’s what I’m asking myself: “Am I excited to see him again?” “How did I feel after spent time together, excited or drained?” When you hear from him, do you automatically smile or is it more of a “oh it’s him.” This seems more quantifiable than thinking about whether there’s chemistry or not, or whether I’ve found my person or not.

41. I used to put a lot of faith in gut feeling, until I realized through therapy that I had attachment issues and was chemically drawn to people who were harmful for me. Now I consciously pick partners who display traits I specifically look for, and have been in my longest term relationship (just shy of 3 years) ever!

42. You have to be honest about what’s missing or what is giving you pause. Be brutally honest so you can honestly assess the pros and cons and why you feel the way you do.

    Feeling underwhelmed from the start may set you out to feel contempt and as if you’re settling later on. But don’t hold on to someone you’re not attracted to just to not be alone and hope things are better. It only gets worse and harder to leave.