So my (19F) boyfriend (18M) struggles with a lot of mental health issues. He experiences vivid hallucinations and struggles with severe anxiety and depression. The thing is, it means I’m never allowed to be mad at him for anything. I know this may sound selfish or mean but it’s really frustrating when everytime you address something he did to hurt you, it triggers a hallucination or a depressive episode.
I’m starting to doubt the validity of his mental health struggles, because it feels like the only time he’s not okay is when he’s done something bad. An example of this is when I found out he was texting to his friends about me in a really dehumanizing and derogatory way. His friends then exchanged photos of me and joked about how I look like a horse, and he chimed in saying his ex girlfriend is a horse, I look more like a camel.
I tried to explain to him that it hurt my feelings, his response was that camels have long eyelashes and that’s what he meant. When I didn’t take that as a compliment he then started crying and saying that he doesn’t want to live knowing he hurt me, so i dropped the subject and pretended to be happy until I got over it.
I moved cities now, so we’re long distance. Last night I saw that he was still following this specific insta account that posts girls in underwear. We’ve had a conversation about this account before… I told him back then that it made me uncomfortable, he said he didn’t follow the account, and that sometimes his friend logged into his ig and it must have been him. For some fucking reason I believed him, and assumed he’d simply unfollow the account.
Last night I saw him following the same account and I can see that he’s liked pictures as well. I screenshot it and send it to him, while we’re on a video call. He initially gets angry, asks why I’m looking to start a fight etc. I respond by saying all I want is for him to unfollow the account. He ends the call, I leave him be for the night.
This evening he texts me, not making any sense. Making a bunch of typos, so I’m concerned and I call him. He’s drooling saying he took a bunch of pills because he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore. I get his sister involved as I live 6 hours away from him, she gets him to puke, all that comes up is bile. We call and I’m apologizing for even bringing it up, and he appears suddenly perfectly fine and alert.
I don’t know how to explain it but it feels like a switch has flipped in me, I no longer want to be with him. I don’t believe anything he says and I feel like he’s lying about so much just to get away with things. And I know I shouldn’t think like that but god it’s just fucking exhausting having to pretend that things don’t hurt me just so he can be okay.
I guess I’m here because I want an outsider’s opinion; would leaving him be a shitty thing to do?
TLDR: I feel like my bf is faking his mental illness to get away with stuff he does, would it be amoral to leave him over that?
18 comments
Leaving him would not be a shitty thing to do. When does it stop if you don’t leave him? When you get married? When you have kids? You’re not a trained mental health professional. You’re 19 and you’re not equipped to handle it. If I were you, I would alert his sister that you are planning on ending things so she can keep an eye on him but I would go no contact after that.
No, leaving him would be a good thing to do for you. You are most important here. You are not obligated to look after him or feel guilty about leaving because of his mental health, because it’s HIS mental health and not your responsibility unless you choose to make it your responsibility.
Maintaining his mental health is not your responsibility. Staying with him is damaging your own mental health and your feelings matter just as much as his. If he threatens to hurt himself when you break up with him, call 911 and tell them what he’s saying and that you think he’s in danger. And then walk away and block him everywhere.
You can’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
Leave him and don’t look back. There’s no award for loving broken people. You can’t fix him and you get nothing in life or afterwards for martyring yourself at the alter of his dysfunction.
It’s ok to end a relationship when you no longer feel you have a partner. He needs help in a way you are not able to provide and now his struggles are affecting you. If you’re worried he will hurt himself in response, contact his family or a friend and tell them you are worried about their safety. Be specific about timeline of when you look out for him or what he might try so they can be close or intervene sooner. It’s ok to end things when your partner’s mental health is now negatively impacting your own.
Honestly, it’s a great thing you’re long distance now. At this point, he is doing these things to manipulate you and hurt you. You need to prioritize your feelings and safety. Tbh I would just warn his sister if you feel like being nice, then dump him over text and block him everywhere. Good riddance. His actions aren’t your responsibility.
For me it seems like he is just manipulating you. He also didn’t take any pills, he faked it to not face consequences for what he does. He know when he plays the “i want to die”-card, you forgive and forget him everything. It works so well in the past. He was writing you and made it so obvious that something is “wrong”, so that you ask. And if you take pills, and puke, up to one hour you will find something of them and not just bile. Why i know it? I need to take a handvoll of medications daily and sometimes i puke. I wonder what his actual plan was. That you drive the 6 hours in panic? Or call next day and talk about a fake emergency stay? And that he was afterwards totally fine is another proof that he faked it. What about all the pills who were already in his system and made his text so full of typos? Wow, fastest recovery ever.
Break up. If you want to feel better, tell his family that you break up and he comes with “i don’t want to live”. But don’t feel bad. Live your life. And block him after you break up. His guilt-tripping and manipulating will be awful (mixed with aggression and insults).
“ His friends then exchanged photos of me and joked about how I look like a horse, and he chimed in saying his ex girlfriend is a horse, I look more like a camel.”
This relationship is done. Done.
It does not matter if he has real or somewhat fake mental health problems, if he can’t manage basic respect, the relationship is done. He doesn’t get a free pass to abuse you for any reason.
You do not need to stay with someone just because they are mentally ill. Mental illness is not something you can use as emotional blackmail to keep people close to you. Feel free to alert his family after you break up, then cut off contact. Between the emotional abuse, boundary violations, and loss of trust, this relationship is already dead.
If he calls you threatening suicide again don’t call his sister. Call an ambulance. If he’s serious, he gets the medical and mental health care that he needs in a timely fashion. If he isn’t serious he can explain that to EMTs. Either way, you have done everything you need.
DTMFA
Sounds harsh, but you aren’t responsible for him or his actions. Leaving would be best for *you*. He very well may be faking it to guilt you.
It’s best if you remove yourself from the situation. Don’t feel bad about it either. Most people would not be able to handle something like that.
Your 19. Leave him.
You need to advocate for yourself.
You aren’t happy in the relationship and you don’t have to stay in it. You can’t take responsibility for his choices. If he’s faking it – good riddance! If he’s not, you aren’t the one that can help him. He needs professional help. And he isn’t alone, his sister also knows.
Please do yourself a kindness and cut off all ties so you can learn to live again.
Dump him!
Dump him! He is manipulating you!
If you are not happy you can leave him for ANY reason. You do not need to jusify it , its not an obligation to date anyone. If he threatens to take his life over it call the emergency services and LEAVE.
His behavior sounds controlling and abusive and dangerous to himself. Don’t blame him for the breakup he’ll make excuses/offer change, just say you don’t love him and don’t want to be with him. Then leave and warn any of his family/friends to keep an eye.
Why would breaking up with anyone be a ‘shitty’thing to do?
You are not a nurse or his Mom, why do you feel obligated to stick around.
You DON’T LIKE HIM anymore.
Well, he’s clearly trying to manipulate you and he’s found that threatening to kill himself always works! The minute you mentioned you were long-distance and weren’t actually there for his supposed attempt…. He’s not suicidal; he’s a manipulative piece of shit. When you break up with him expect a ‘mysterious’ text from a ‘friend’ telling you he’s dead or something along those lines and then lots of trying to persuade you to say that you regret breaking up and if only he was still here you’d get back with him.