Hi all! I’ve made a few posts from time to time, however, I’m looking to see what everyone thinks of my situation! I’m in my late 20s (almost 30) female. I got out of my last relationship last year and took a break before finally getting back into dating. I met my previous boyfriend organically, so when I began OLD in October of last year, it was completely different than what I had imagined (as it was my first time ever). I knew I wanted a LTR but realized how little I knew what I really wanted and didn’t want (probably also due to the only one dating experience I had prior to this). Fast forward, I was on and off the apps the first 2-3 months of OLD as it got quite stressful. But OLD definitely taught me very well what I wanted and didn’t want, how to draw boundaries, and what areas I had to improve on.
Now it’s been over six months, I think I’ve improved a lot. I re-vamped my profile back in January & February to really tailor it towards what I want, who I am, and the fact I want a life partner. After meeting so many matches, I really know what I’d like which is to find the one who I can share a life with and possibly have a family with in the near future. I’ve also worked on myself a lot since January and focused on things I’d like to do. I definitely think I’m in a pretty good spot now with everything.
I don’t have too much trouble matching on these apps, but more so, trouble with finding someone on the same page as me and I have a tiny bit of attraction with. I have a few dealbreakers and an idea of what I want in a partner but am quite open minded about seeing people to see if we’re a good fit. However, since I changed my profile to look for life partner and such and with time, my likes went down dramatically. Also, since I’m only open to dating asians at the moment, I keep reaching the end of my pool here sooo many times.
I don’t invest as much time as I did from October – December in looking (as at that point it become a full time job haha), so it’s more of a side task now. But getting minimal results, it’s somewhat discouraging. I’ve been going out more to try to meet people but I also want to try things I enjoy and not simply go out to do activities I think there will be single guys at. I started volunteering (because I enjoy it) and just doing activities I enjoy! But none of them give me many chances to meet single guys ah!
So… my question is, what do you guys recommend? Will me continue waiting on these apps and going on with life really give me the chance to meet someone or should I try harder again? But how? I’m a bit torn… as I love my city and want to stay here because my family and such are here. If I move cities there are definitely more options, but I don’t exactly want to move just to date someone š. Just looking for feedback, thanks so much š
9 comments
The simple fact of the matter is you’ll get as many answers as there are anecdotes. I live in a small town and never thought I’d find love yet I’m a year into a relationship with the woman of my dreams. There are plenty of people who will say that moving was the best thing they ever did. People in small towns here complain about the lack of matches, people in large towns complain about having to dig through a never-ending mess.
Some will say making your profile too specific means you might miss the person who is perfect for you just because they didn’t match on something you didn’t realize you didn’t really care about. Some will say that making your profile too generic means you’ll waste so much time on guys who aren’t for you you’ll miss the guy who is.
There is no one-size-fits-all answer. Whatever you decide, the most important thing to do is to keep your heart open and your hopes high.
A decrease in matches is actually a good thing because it means your profile is working to filter out the obvious incompatibilities. You may have less quantity, but you will see an improvement in quality.
As far as running out of options, may I ask why you’re only open to dating asians? If that’s not a hard deal-breaker for you, I always recommend being willing to explore outside of your normal preferences because you may be pleasantly surprised.
If it is a hard deal-breaker, can you expand the radius that you’re searching? If you’re willing to drive a bit for the right person, it could open up some new options.
>Will me continue waiting on these apps and going on with life really give me the chance to meet someone or should I try harder again?
That’s totally up to you. I recommend setting boundaries around the way you use the apps so you don’t start feeling burnt out. Set aside a specific time each week to swipe/match and then go from there.
Other than that, keep doing what you’re doing and putting yourself in situations that give you opportunities to meet people. Focus on you and enjoying your life and stay open to the possibility of meeting someone amazing!
Iāve revamped my profile too. Have one at Hinge but get only a few matches per week but they do not respond to any messages. A few good conversations go well and then completely disappear. I have no idea why. I met two women very recently on Hinge with similar interests and had great conversations going for 2 weeks and then slowly faded. In the other case, the girl didnāt respond back after a week of talking. No clues š
So good luck out there finding your partner š
Unless you live in an extremely not-diverse place, you do not need to move to find a partner. There are compatible partners for you in most cities. Look at how horrendous the dating scenes are in the huge cities – more options does NOT actually help, at all. The issue is that apps make us artificially pickier and worse at identifying truly compatible partners.
Pretty much every part of your experience as you’ve described it is universal. Maybe do a profile review, other than that it sounds like you’ve reflected on how past dates have worked and know what you want. You just have to keep at it.
The long term relationship happens at random in my opinion. When I look for it itās never there. When I donāt look for it I find myself in it. Weird world we live inā¦
I’m in a similar spot tho turning 28 and male. I’ve been on apps long enough and with each interaction I learn something about what I want and don’t want. Now that I have a grasp of that, the bigger factors come into play for me such as distance and if they even like me back haha. I can fix distance over time since I WFH, but matching with someone that is super compatible, but lives in EST where I live MST is just hard but not impossible to keep the interaction going. I have ample amount of free time each day to foster a long distance relationship but I haven’t met someone who could reciprocate. I open the apps everyday, but I don’t expect much. I will use them because I do get matches every once in a while and it’s a common way to meet people nowadays. Just continue life and make good decisions to achieve your other goals (health, finance…) and just wait until that someone shows up. That is my plan at least.
when I first started online dating after my last LTR ended, I was getting like 5-10 likes a day on hinge. it was overwhelming, and a lot of them weren’t people I’d want to date. so I narrowed my preferences, went on dates and narrowed my preferences some more based on what I was learning, and pretty soon it felt like there were no people in my city that I could actually see myself with. and the preferences were perfectly aligned with the advice you’ll see on here, I automatically deleted anyone who didn’t list a job or had a sparse profile or didn’t list that they were looking for a serious relationship. but honestly, I considered moving to a bigger city in my region because my pool felt so small. until I met my now partner on hinge. I’ve told this story here before, but my partner is someone whose profile made him seem nothing like what I was looking for. he came off very gym bro talking about beer and skiing, two things I could not care less about. but I had some free time, so I agreed to go on a date with him, and found that we had so much in common and could talk for hours! it’s very easy to keep narrowing your pool on the apps thinking it’s going to help you find the perfect match, but the lesson is that people are more than their profiles, and you don’t need to move to a new city to find people to date.
Depends on what app youāre using, you could potentially be filtered out for setting your dating expectations to ālife partner onlyā. Many people I know are looking for LTR that eventually lead into marriages, but donāt put ālife partnerā and will instead put looking for LTR – myself included. Thatās because Iām not in a rush for marriage – Iād like that in 3-4 years with the right person, but itās not like my next relationship HAS to be my life partner. Ideally it is, but if itās a bad match, Iām not going to force it.
Even though Iām looking for marriage, Iām hesitant to swipe on people who state that theyāre looking for life partners only. It makes me worried that they might want to move too quickly or commit too quickly while Iād like to still take my time with dating and vetting. I met my now boyfriend on OLD last October and weāre doing great – he didnāt even fill out the āwhat youāre looking forā section, which initially caused me to raise an eyebrow but weāve had many conversations and weāre both committed to this for the long run. He just didnāt fill it out because he was open to taking things slow. So if youāre filtering out anyone who didnāt say life partner, Iād re evaluate that.
I mean, this sounds like dating. You try and try and try. And you settle with someone okay, wait to find your perfect or good-enough person, or have trouble meeting them. It ain’t easy out there and it’s hard to find your person.
Also, you want something specific. You also want to date within 6% of the dating pool, as Asians are only 6% of the country’s population. It’s going to be tough. In the US, generally guys are supposed to initiate. Same with a lot of Asian countries. If this is your dating style, you may be waiting on others, which it isn’t as proactive waiting to be seen than it is initiating. So if you’re able to initiate more, you may have more luck by being more forward.
In person is always better imho. It’s easy to dismiss people on the apps and to gloss over great people because you didn’t like their profiles or because of one or two things you don’t like.
But really, all you can do is keep trying. That’s all any of us can do.