We started around the same time last year and since then have had 4 breakups. Lots of fights, immaturity and issues from both the sides.
After the last one, I actually wanted to be completely over her and tried moving on, doing things that I can enjoy individually and even approaching a couple other people (I was excited about them).
But then she started talking to me again, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I hadn’t completely moved on at this point but I did realise my mistakes and my needs and boundaries too. I offered to try and be friends and take it from there but she wasn’t comfortable with that, she was either completely in or out which i can understand.
I did talk to her on multiple occasions during this time of didcussion. The way she handled stuff did seem very much more changed and mature to me. FYI, it had been just a couple weeks since our latest breakup at this point. She seemed really intent on changing, having communication and trying her best to make it work. But those were the promises we made the previous 3 times too.
On my side though, I was halfway in the process of moving on. And it seemed like an uphill battle to date her again. I had told my friends that I finally broke up with her in a mutually agreeable way (only the 4th break up was like that) and I felt ashamed to tell them I was dating her again. Another thought that has been coming to my mind was about being able to find someone better, more beautiful, more my type, more common interests. But I also am not able to get over the idea of losing her. I am a person who is just begging to learn to say no, and she is a very convincing individual, to add some context. Like I really see her trying and I want to get rid of these thoughts if I really want to give this a go but I haven’t been able to, and that sucks for the both of us.
And I have talked to her about these thoughts, told her exactly how I have been feeling and my fear of how it is not going to be different this time either. She said that we can give it two weeks to see if I can lose those thoughts. This is the end of week one and I am confused as ever about how to figure out my feelings for her.